Self(ie) Portrait

For the third time, Reilly’s phone slipped off the table and hit the floor, with a dramatic thud that seemed to say “you failed!” once again. She sighed, picked up the phone, repositioned the selfie circle light attached to it, and checked the timer on the photo setting. Carefully this time, she leaned her phone at an angle she thought would make her face look skinny. 

She swiped the mode to “Portrait” setting, and mentally prepared herself for her best smile in 3,2,1…..

Finally! A picture she can work with. She had been setting up her Facespace account for days, and the picture of herself was the final touch. 

She had worked meticulously creating her profile. Her hometown was boring, so she filled in a more exciting one several towns over. Her job was nonexistent since she was only 14 and couldn’t drive herself to one, but she filled in “Accountant”. Why not? Seemed like a cool job. And she was getting good at making a perfect account here, so “accountant” was fitting. 

It took two years for Reilly’s mom to finally agree to let her have her own Facespace account. 

“You’re too young! You see everyone you know in school anyway!” she’d tell her. Over and over again. Reilly was tired of the same excuse. 

“Mom. ALL of my friends have had their own accounts for YEARS now! I’m THE most uncool kid in school because you’re so overprotective!” Reilly had argued back. But, to no avail. The answer was always no. 

Reilly’s mom told her the Internet was a dangerous place and blah blah blah. Reilly knew how to be safe, not give out personal information to strangers, all the things her teachers have been telling her for years. They even had a program at school about “The Dangers of the Internet”, and Officer Richard (who was Gary Richard’s dad), came in and presented an entire PowerPoint presentation on the topic. It took up Reilly’s whole Algebra class so she felt it was definitely worth it. 

When she went home that day, she told her mom about the program, and promised on her dead goldfish Barry’s grave that she would be safe online. Still, the answer was always no. 

Until now. 

Reilly stared at the picture she had just taken. The Portrait mode had blurred the background of her bedroom wall and poster of a kitten with a donut. That was probably a good thing. She made a mental note to get “cool” posters. 

The picture still wasn’t right. She opened it in another app, PicEnhancer. She set the filter to brighten her skin, darken her eyelashes, and shrink her nose. There. She stared at the new image of herself. Something still seemed off. She saved it, then opened it in another filter a user had created. It was called Moonlight, and gave a darker background, making her face stand out more. The blurred kitten and donut were completely indistinguishable now. Her hair looked lighter against the dark background. Better. 

Reilly tapped “save”, then saw another filter on the home screen to the app. This one was called Starlet, and made puffy full lips. She adjusted the shade of her lips to a light red, and adjusted the flush of pink on her cheeks. While she was there, she dragged her cheekbones higher. She felt a little giddy with excitement. Her picture was starting to look so amazing! She wondered how many friends would like her picture. And if Nick would comment on it. He said “hey” the other day when they passed in the hall, and Reilly felt her heart begin a gymnastics routine in her chest. She managed a “hey” back, complete with an almost imperceptible head nod of casualness. She was trying to sell the nonchalant acknowledgment of his existence, and in doing so, tripped over nothing just as he rounded the corner. That was a close one. 

She was finally ready to upload her picture and activate her account. She felt a rush of adrenaline as she uploaded her picture into the Profile Picture spot on the page. Done. 

Wait. 

She scrutinized her picture. No. Not good enough yet. 

Her chin looked ginormous in this photo. She went to another app, FaceErase, and shaved off the bottom part of her chin. In lifting her cheekbones earlier, her chin started to look disproportionally bigger. But now it’s fixed. Only…only now her right ear seems off. With another swipe over her phone, she minimized the size of her ear. That made her eyes look bigger. And that looked so Disney Princess! She swiped again and made her eyes bigger, and changed the color from her boring grayish blue to bright, almost turquoise blue. Just a little more darkening to her lashes and brows, and there! Perfect! 

Reilly hit “replace” on her profile picture and added the new and improved version of herself. 

She gazed at her picture, and thought how stunning she looked. 

She wrote her first post. Then deleted it. Then rewrote it. Then deleted it. She wanted to sound equally cool and unphased by the whole thing. She wanted to avoid sounding like she JUST started an account, even though she did. She thought of something brilliant. 

“Hey new account here, had to. You know, locked out of my other one. Add me here!”

Now people would think she had to start this one because an old one got hacked, and they just didn’t know she had one before. Then the “friend spread” would happen. Facespace would start suggesting her page to friends of friends until she grew her list to a respectable size. If she requested friends, they’d see she was just trying to add after being locked out of her old one which was totally cool. 

It was starting already! Notifications on her profile picture liking it. Friend requests on her list. And oh! A comment! 

Reilly clicked her picture and read the first comment. It was from Amy, in her science class.

“Gorgeous grrrl!” 

Reilly smiled. She felt gorgeous.

Another comment! 

“So pretty!” From Megan, who rides the bus with her. 

Reilly decided she could get used to this. She stared again at her picture and grumbled because it was time to go to school. She’d have to keep her phone in her locker til lunchtime, which would be pretty much an eternity. 

***

In homeroom, Reilly looked around wondering who saw her new profile picture and account. The first bell rang, and she gathered her books to make her way to English. 

“Hey. Saw your new Facespace account,” Nick said from somewhere behind her. 

Reilly turned and immediately turned four shades of red. 

“Oh! Yeah, I uh, had to make a new one. So annoying,” Reilly said, kicking at a rock that wasn’t there. Obviously, since they were in school. Stop being weird, she told herself. 

“Yeah, it looks pretty cool. But, I almost didn’t know it was you. I mean, like, the picture and all,” Nick said, his eyes narrowing a bit and seeming to look closely at her. 

Did he mean he liked her picture? He’s talking to her now, so it definitely got his attention. Maybe he realized how beautiful she was after seeing the new picture she created?

“Well, I guess I just wanted to say…you know, the Internet is dangerous, Reilly. You might not like who you see. 

“You mean ‘what’ you see?” 

“No. I mean ‘who.’ See you around,” Nick said, as he walked away noticeably shaking his head. 

Reilly stood there, as the late bell rang. She didn’t go to English, but rather to the bathroom. She stood at the mirror, and looked at her face. At her small eyes. Her big nose. Her short eyelashes and crooked brows. She thought about what everyone else sees when they look at her. 

Reilly walked to her locker. She took out her phone, and saw she had 52 new notifications from Facespace. She opened the app, went right to settings, and deleted the account. 

The internet IS dangerous. And maybe not in the way Officer Richard presented.