Burning Flame

It's not fair.

The way my heart beats so loud that I can hear the pounding in my ears.

It's not fair.

That crooked smile and curly hair.

It's not fair.

The way my whole body trembles when you say my name.

It's not fair.

It's not fair because you are not mine and I am not yours.

But you kiss me like I am.

Teeth and tongue and low moans.

My guilty pleasure is you.

You kiss me like you'll never see me again.

It's the best feeling in the world until I'm driving back home to the one who is mine.

I feel guilty and I promise myself that was the last time.

You are my addiction.

I tell myself that I got my one last hit that I needed so now I can finally quit.

But I cannot quit you.

Hands and arms and fingers.

You touch me and everything within me ignites.

Our souls collide and sparks fly.

I need your touch more than I need air to breathe.

You are everything that I want, but everything I can’t have.

Secret kisses and hidden touches.

Wanting each other, but we cannot show it.

We promise each other it's the last time, but when we have the chance; we jump.

We jump into the deep end.

Drowning in passion and wanting.

I try to swim back up to the surface, but I can't.

I'm stranded in the sea of you and I can't find the strength to get back to shore.

Guilt and confusion.

We lie to the ones we love.

They would break if they knew about us.

I never knew that you could love two people at once.

I love him and you love her, but we share I love you's too.

The kind of I love you's that make everything within you collapse.

The life-altering,

all-consuming,

devastating kind of I love you's.

You whisper it in my ear when they aren't around.

But I want you to shout it from rooftops.

And I want to hold your hand at the mall.

And I want to go grocery shopping with you.

And I want to argue with you over what's for dinner.

I want all of the little things and big things with you.

I want to be good with you.

Bad with you.

All of the things with you.

With him.

I feel crazy.

Insane.

I hate you for making me feel this way, but I love you for making me feel this way.

It’s not fair.

The way my heart aches for you.

It’s not fair.

Those big blue eyes and light brown hair.

It’s not fair.

The way my cheeks flush a deep red when we exchange glances.

It’s not fair.

It’s not fair because you are not mine and I am not yours.

I burn for you.

Like I've never burned for him.

I feel safe with him.

I feel comfortable and warm like Christmas morning; wearing fuzzy socks and sitting around the tree opening presents with family.

It’s different with you.

You somehow make me feel cold and warm and hot and frozen all at once.

You make me feel like one of those trick candles.

The ones my parents stuck in my birthday cake when I was nine years old.

I made my wish and blew and blew the bright orange flame, but it never went out.

The flame just slightly swooshed to the side with each blow, but always came right back.

I remember getting so frustrated because the flame wouldn’t go away.

I welcome the persevering flame now.

I welcome the persistent burning.

It makes me feel alive.

I know I am not a good person for loving you.

And loving him.

I know I can’t have you both.

But I do.

I have him most of the time.

I have you sometimes.

When you aren’t with her.

When I’m not with him.

It reminds me of when I was little and it was my dad’s weekend to have me.

I remember sitting in my light pink car seat while my mom listened to Sugarland on repeat.

She would pull into the grocery store parking lot and my dad would already be there to collect me.

My dad and I would have the best two days and we’d meet at the grocery store again so my mom could take me back.

I had my mom most of the time and my dad sometimes.

I had more fun with my dad, but I felt safer with my mom.

Maybe I can blame their divorce and the constant back and forth for the reason why I’m so messed up.

Maybe I can blame you for making me feel things I’ve never felt before.

Maybe I can blame him for not making me feel those things.

Maybe I can just blame life entirely and how unfair it is that it brought you into my world.

I was fine before you.

I was happy and content.

I was okay with my comfortable and warm Christmas mornings.

You came and turned my entire world upside down.

You sent everything within me crashing and burning.

I love it.

I hate it.

It’s unfair.

It’s unfair.

I can blame just about everything.

But the truth is that it’s my fault.

I can’t help how I feel, but I could have stopped myself.

I didn’t have to learn your touch.

How it feels for my entire body to be electrified; lit up like a sky full of the brightest stars, just from the feel of you.

I didn’t have to learn your kiss.

How it feels for my knees to buckle and my heart rate to skyrocket just from the simple touch of your lips on mine.

I didn’t have to learn the language of your body.

How it feels to know exactly what excites you the most.

But I did.

I’ve learned everything and somehow it’s still not enough.

It's not fair to him or to her.

So I tell myself every day that I’m going to stop.

But I know that I won’t.

I can’t.

The flames will continue to engulf me.

And I’ll continue burning.

Burning for you.