Manage the Dam

Rain pelted the concrete sidewalks and asphalt roads. Stop lights flicked to green, causing people to lay on their horns in the few minutes the car in front takes to get going.

There was standing water in the road, but not enough to be too dangerous. Roads are backed up with traffic caused by a crash further down the road.

People run with their umbrellas over their heads, shielding them from the drops that threaten them more than they already are.

Facing a busy intersection, a block of apartments stuffed next to each other sat. A consistent and rhythmic amount and spacing of windows mixed with the bricks that they were made out of make it impossible to distinguish between the four separate buildings.

In the third, there was a light glowing from one of the old windows. It shone brightly against the thundering night but wasn’t as bright as the lightning that struck nearby.

As the sound roared through the air, inside the small studio apartment, Alex jumped.

Her hair was a mess. She had tried to gather it into a bun, but couldn’t get it straight.

At her desk, snapped pencils were laid about. Paper was scattered all over the surface, and the laptop, which was opened and placed to the side, had so many tabs, you could only see the logo of the website.

She huffed as another piece of lead from her pencil snapped. She jammed her pencil into the sharpener and tried to ease her aching head.

Looking back at the paper, she grunted. The numbers and words on the blank sheet were becoming nothing but quick blurs and nonsense. The rain outside thudded against her wall, and was hell on her pounding brain.

She rubbed her temples and closed her eyes, she always struggled with math, but back then, she had people to help her.

***

She was in sixth grade and was at the kitchen table with tears in her eyes. She stared down at the math work, percents splayed across the page and jumbled together.

She let out a wet huff as her lips pulled down. She just– She didn’t get it. Half the time it felt like a guessing game. Her teacher had just skimmed over the topic, and now she had a test on it tomorrow.

As her thoughts spiraled, someone spoke: “Hey, pumpkin, what’s going on?”

Alex looked up to see her father standing next to her. His blue eyes shone softly as his red hair curled around his head. She let out a whine. “I don’t get it!” She cried as she slammed her hand.

“I– The teacher didn’t explain it and– And we have a test tomorrow– And this overdue, and–” She stopped as warm arms wrapped around her, soft hushes fell from her father’s mouth.

She leaned into the hug and allowed herself to be held for a bit longer before the two pulled away.

“Now, short stack, what are you struggling with?” She could only huff. “Percentages– I just… How can you tell when something is 33 percent or when something is 25 percent… I don’t get it.”

Her father hummed as he looked at the paper. With kind and comforting eyes, he grabbed her pencil and smiled at her.

“Don’t worry, darling, I got you. Let’s work through this together, okay?”

She nodded as she sat up and paid attention to her father’s words.

***

Alex opened her eyes and came back to the prescient day, a pain stabbing through her heart. She got a C on that test the next day, but she didn’t care then. She didn’t fail, and her father reassured her that they were in this together.

Yet, now, Shadows loomed and crept around her. The silence hung heavy.

She tried not to shiver and look over her shoulder, she was trying not to get the urge to light every light in her apartment. She was in college, and now, she can handle being alone. She could be strong. She could hold herself together.

Or at least, that’s what she was telling herself. On her desk sat a picture of her parents, they were older when they had her, yet age wasn’t what took them from her.

It was a night much like this that did. With the rain thudding against the road, making it slick, the night hanging in the air, making it too dark to see.

People are too stupid to realize when they’ve had enough to drink.

Those were the unfortunate options that resulted in the collision of three cars. Her parents are in one of them.

Her parents were taken from her that day, and the drunk driver got out with a bruise.

Her pencil snapped again, and she let out a shaky breath as she let it go, and ran her hands through her hair. Her body trembled and threatened to break apart. She held back tears that were threatening to spill. The water outside had risen to a flood.

The silence crept through her like a disease. Infecting her mind where the accident had left a hole.

She never liked the silence, it was a trait she gained from her mother.

***

She was at the start of high school when she walked into her home. She listened as her mother’s humming flooded through the halls.

She walked into her mother’s studio, where the woman danced around with an apron over her closet that was splattered with paint.

Her mother’s little space was loud. It was cluttered and filled to the brim with photos of their family, easels with paintings, paint on the walls, and brushes all over the floor.

She was an extravagant woman who was unapologetically herself. She never let anyone put a damper on her light. It was this big, bubbly, yet confident demeanor that her father says drew him to her.

Alex took a seat up against the wall and watched her mother work. It was comforting to her, to be in a place so bright, so cheerful, yet all she had to do was sit.

She loved how loud her house was, and she hoped it never would end.

***

Alex rubbed her eyes as she whined. Her mother– A woman so full of love, despite her age, and so caring it almost hurts to see her support people who choose to hurt her. Yet it was so satisfying to see her snap back.

Thunder banged and her room lit up, she flinched as she bit her lip. Her mother was a good woman– And yet the world had taken her light from her.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. Why did her parents have to bear the brunt of someone else’s stupidity, when they were just trying to make it home?

Her breath hitched. Tears fell from her eyes. Anger stirred in her heart. The wind beat against her home and walls of water came slamming.

The words in front of her were starting to make less sense by the minute. The logic flowed from her brain and left her in a spiraling pit that wouldn’t let her get back up.

She bit down on her lip as she tried to quell the bubbling feeling of drowning in the sea of lonely shadows. Glancing over at her laptop, she confirmed the fact that no one in her group had responded to their part of the assignment, meaning she would have to do it alone.

A shaky breath escaped her. Alone. That’s how she has done a lot of things recently. She used to like it, but now it is miserable.

Yet, she had to be. She is in college now. She could handle it. She could hold herself together, and she didn’t need to count on anyone, because what happens when they leave?

She backed up her chair and got up.

She paced the small area that seemed to be getting smaller, she walked around her tiny apartment and weaved past the cat toys and scratching tower.

Yet everything just seemed to make it worse.

Dishes were piled up on the counter, clothes led around on any object she would have thrown them on, and notes were strewn around the floor.

Her throat was tightening at this point as she tried desperately to just breathe. The rain slamming against her walls was getting too loud. Hugged herself, because who else was there too? No one. No one at all.

She didn’t understand the assignment– The words had started to swim on the page. Her headache was violent and she was starting to feel ill.

Normally she can call her parents. Her father was always good at math. Her parents always knew what to do. She lived alone, but she never had to be–

She remembers something. When she was standing right in this room.

***

She stood in the middle of the studio apartment, glancing around nervously as she tried to seem proud. The sky outside was cloudy, and her nerves were going through the roof.

Her parents walked into the living room, and she waited with bated breath to see their reactions to her new home.

Much to her relief, her mother’s bright demeanor shone brighter than ever before, and her father looked around with proud tears in her eyes.

“Oh my– Baby!” Her mother squealed as she walked over to her and wrapped her in her arm. “It’s beautiful! I’m so happy for you!”

Alex chuckled as she wrapped her arms around her mother. She was taller than her now, but the power in the hug felt all the same. “Thanks, mama,” she murmured.

Her mother pulled away and cupped her face. She looked into her eyes. “Now, don’t you be a stranger, okay? Just because you’re off in college and on your own doesn’t mean you’re not family. Got it?”

She nodded before she glanced at her silent father.

Her father looked at her, tears welling in his eyes. “All grown up now, are ya, pumpkin?”

She chuckled, “Dad…” She walked over to him and wrapped him in a hug, which he returned for a while.

When they pulled away, he placed a hand on her shoulder. “Now, it’s just as your mother said– This is going to be hard at first, but you can call us. We’re in this together, remember?”

Alex could feel tears of her own as she responded. “Always.”

***

Lightning struck nearby and flashed through her windows, making everything else bright. Alex jumped slightly and stumbled as it hit her like a tidal wave.

They were gone. They were truly gone.

The world spun around her as she stopped holding herself together. A loud, raw sob ripped from her throat as she fell to her knees right then and there.

She placed her hand against the floor and tried to stabilize herself and her world, both of which were shattering.

All her life, she had her parents by her side. All her life she felt their presence– Now they were gone and the only things she had left were memories and photos.

Yet she didn’t want those– She wanted her mama and dad. She wanted to feel their hugs, she wanted to see the light in their eyes. She wanted the silence to be replaced by humming. She wanted stress to be replaced by comfort.

At their funeral, she hadn’t even cried. She had stood there with a stone face, standing strong like they had done for her all of these years.

Now she was falling apart, and there was no one she could count on to pick her back up.

Lightning broke across the sky. The clouds sobbed their rain and an angry wind beat against anything it could. The rain seemingly tried to drown the world out, to make it flood so that there was nothing but the storm left.

She slammed her fist against the floor as though it had scorned her, hot tears ran down her face. It wasn’t fair. None of it was. Why did she have to lose someone that day? Why did the fates take the two people who wanted nothing more than the world to be good enough for her?

Why was the world not good enough for them?

Another ugly scream ripped from her throat, and she felt as if exhaustion crushed her bones. The shadows weighed against her, pulling her down until she couldn’t get up again.

The world seemed to spin until it was just a blur. Her hands hurt from trying to break the floor. She heard horns outside of her place complaining as traffic rampant up.

She needed to get out of here– She needed to leave. She didn’t want to be here anymore, not with the memory of what once was around every corner–

She felt something against her. Bapping her as the sound of something vibrating caught her attention.

She turned over, ready to scream, when her body immediately softened.

She looked at the fluffy white cat that had been trying to get her attention all this time. Cotton’s bright blue eyes looked up at her as her pinked nose sniffed Alex.

She couldn’t help but let out a painful laugh. Her throat hurt from the screams of agony she let out, her lips still pulled down at the corner as tears fell from her eyes.

“Hey, baby,” she said, her voice choking with sobs, “Sorry you have to see mom like this, hun.”

Her heart seared with pain and she let out another sob. Her cat got to the floor next to her chest and sat next to her in a loaf form. Her hand wandered and started to scratch the little creature’s head.

Tears ran down her face. Around that point, her phone, which was in her pocket, dipped.

With shaking hands, she grabbed her phone and watched as another message popped up.

It was her friend, and the message read: Hey, girl! Crazy weather we're having, right?

Listen… We haven’t been talking recently and I’m worried. Do you wanna call?

After a moment of silence, as she read through those texts over and over again, she felt her body grow weak. Desperation crawled in her throat.

The rain outside was back to thundering now. Heaving pelts against solid ground that was now weakened.

She didn’t respond to the message, she only called.

“Alex?” Her friend asked. “Is everything okay?”

With those few words, she knew she didn’t have the strength to hold back.

She launched into a rant about everything, and she broke down once more, but this time with someone on the other end there to console her as she cried, and she just spilled everything to her friend.

Around her, the world seemed to ease. The chaos calmed to a simmer, and the storm turned to just a lot of rain. The wind calmed and the thunder ceased.

As she spoke the words that have been on the tip of her tongue for a while now, she finally felt some sort of relief.

As she let out all of her woes and the tidal wave of feelings she kept hidden behind the dam, the waters started to calm. The tides stopped sucking her in. The waves turned to ripples.

Outside, the rain turned to a drizzle.

It was still there, looming in the corners, in the shadows that lurked, and in the silence that hung. The storm wasn’t gone, not yet, and it was sometimes hard to tell if it would ever end.

Yet, by letting the dam spill, it finally became manageable once more.