Old Red Rag

         “Lets go Nat’” Dad shouts before walking out the door. I scream, “I’m coming!” I hear the door shut behind him. Crap. I throw on his old high school swim jacket. It smells like chlorine, has three holes, is a really worn out red color, and a bunch of swim patches from all the meets he’s been too. It’s my favorite jacket. I wear it to swim practice almost everyday. I run out to the car with one flipflop on and the other in my hand. I throw open the door, jump in and exclaim, “Petal to the metal, dad we got to go!” Somehow we manage to make it before 6:15. The cars still moving when I jump out of it. My dad yells something at me but I don’t listen. I quickly scan my card and dash over to the pavilion where we warm up. Autumn beckons me over to where the squad is stretching. Phew! They’ve just started. “Hey,” I say a little out of breath. Sofia smiles and continues talking with Catalina. Catalina turns around and waves with a big smile on her face. The smile fades fast and it makes me wonder if it was ever even there. A look of pure disgust replaces her smile. She walks over quickly and with the amount of power and confidence every girl wants to walk with. “What the hell are you wearing?” She asks sounding so disgusted. I respond with my usual tone of sarcasm, “Catalina I wear this jacket all the time.” She rolls her eyes and whines, “Oh my god. Obviously I know that. I’m just saying you have such a gorgeous figure and you never show it off.” Too many comments come to my min for my own good. I decide on ignoring her. Autumn whispers in my ear, “She’s not wrong about your figure, but I like the jacket. It suits your style.” I smile and mumble, “Thanks I guess.” Catalina has always been like this. She can be a jerk. Everyday some comment on how I dress or look or act. But she’s said worse so I should be grateful this comment was one of the nice ones. We finish warm up and Catalina whispers just loud enough, “God that rag is so hideous. It’s probably the only jacket she owns. Poor soul can’t even afford a pimple patch for that hideously infested chin.” Sofia tells her to stop, but Catalina just says, “You’re not disagreeing.” I try to brush it off. Who cares what she thinks. I focus on getting ready for swim. We swim hard that day. Usually coach is work hard play hard, but today he was all work. I didn’t mind too much though. Kept my mind off of certain people. I get ready to leave swim when Autumn yells, “Wait up Nat!” “Yah what’s up,” I ask. Autumn looks everywhere but my eyes and hesitantly says, “I really think you should talk to Catalina about the way she treats you. You claim it doesn’t bother you but I’m your best friend. Trust me I notice. Just text her. You don’t even have to call.” I want so badly to say no. Avoiding problems is not something I usually do. Usually I dive headfirst into the problem and take charge in finding ways to solve it. But when it comes to problems with people my anxiety triples and my leadership skills disappear. I hate having to confront people. Especially if I think the person doesn’t realize what they’re doing. I don’t want them to hurt by getting the impression that I think badly of them. Unfortunately it’s time I unbury this hatchet and try to sort things out with Catalina. “I will,” I say uncertainly. Autumn looks me straight in the eye and says steadily, “Promise.” I grin and respond, “Promise.” I get home and immediately put in both air pods and enter the bathroom. My parents bathroom has always been better for thinking so I turn their shower on the warmest it’ll go. Their window is already open so I just turn off the lights and sit on their rug in the bathroom. My air pods are blasting The Lumineers and I’ve already got my phone out; I’m in the zone for an argument or an intense conversation. I shakily open my text with Catalina. How do I even begin this? Start off with the truth I think. So that’s exactly what I do. 

“Hey Catalina idk if maybe I’m being to serious but your jokes and stuff are kinda starting to get a little mean. It just feels like ur always judging my outfit and the way I act or the choices I make. You might be trying to help but its starting to really bother me. I don’t think ur mean or a bad person. I think ur genuinely a good person w good intentions and that’s why I wanted to be calm bout this yk? I luv u sm and this past year w u has been sm fun but lately a lot of drama has gone down and its all starting bc of ur comments. Please don’t be mad at me or anything ig I’m trying to warn you or smth so you can stop before anything worse happens idk but the main reason is ur comment today bout my jacket and financial situation (which yk isn’t true) rly fricken hurt and on top of so many other comment. Thanks for listening and I luv u.” 

She responds a minute later with “Ok thanks for the info.” I send a screenshot to Autumn and she responded, “Idk how but once again you managed to keep ur cool.” I laugh and go eat dinner with my family. I walk into my dark room and immediately put in my airpods and blast music before I even turn on the lights. I check my messages and see Catalina texted. I open it and nearly fall onto my bed. 

“Heyyy Nat im so fortunate to have a friend like you that is so fake and such a hypocrite. I barely started any of this years drama and u can keep ur hateful little comments to yourself. U wonder why I say such mean things to u??? maybe its bc idk UR DATING MY EX ik yk we dated just bc I didn’t tell u doesn’t mean u didn’t hear it from anyone. Theres no way u didn’t. u act like such a good girl w all ur “good person w good intentions” crap but if u were rly a good person u wouldn’t be dating my fricken ex. Maybe before u start analyzing how mean my comments r to u analyze ur actions. Maybe you should stop running ur dirty little mouth (or should I say hands). I can’t even believe u pretend to be my friend. Have fun in hell btw”

I want to evaporate. Or turn into liquid and drift away. My whole body feels like liquid. I sit down on my bed. Before I even realize it I’m crying. Waterfalls coming out of my eyes. I didn’t even know she had dated him. Maybe I had been in the wrong? I cried for 45 minutes straight. My shirt and bed sheets are wet by the end. What if I really am hurting Catalina with my actions and I hadn’t even realized it? I wrap myself up in my dads old jacket. The only thing that seems to provide me comfort ever. It’s been through break ups, injuries, fights with parents, bad grades, poorly placed competitions and now friendships fights. I lay down in my bed hoping it’ll swallow me whole so I won’t have to respond to Catalina. Or even worse see her at practice. The rest of the night is a blur. At some point my mom comes in to check on me. She’s worried but I tell her I can handle it. Everything’s fine. I’m fine. Morning comes and I wish I could push the sun back down. Finally I decide the only way to respond is with the way I feel. And right now I can’t even believe I didn’t notice I was hurting her. I can’t believe I hurt her. 

“Im so sorry. Im sorry. I cant believe I hurt you that badly. Im so sorry. I would never intentionally hurt you. I didn’t know that y’all had dated. Im sorry I should have checked with you first. Im so so sorry. Please don’t stay mad at me.” 

I watch the sunrise all the way above the horizon. Its gorgeous and so pure. Usually these things put me in a state of euphoria. But not now. Not with all of this. I hear my phone ding and a part of me dreads the answer. I swipe up and open the message. 

“Im so glad u have seen the errors in ur ways now we can put this behind us. Thankfully I don’t hold grudges even tho u did smth rly bad to me I wont hold it against u. im a good person like that. Cya at practice tonight. I still suggest u don’t wear that old red rag but its up to u ig. Byeeee” 

I tell my dad I don’t feel good. I can’t go to practice tonight. He’s annoyed but he lets it go. I think to myself of the real reason I can’t go. I’m not emotionally strong enough. I’m not strong enough. I’m not enough. I wrap myself up in my dads high school jacket also known as “old red rag” because even through all those hateful comments she made about it I can’t get rid of it. I need it. It keeps me somewhat strong. It makes me feel like I can one day be enough.