Gratitude

I think about last night, my heart racing. Tyler has always been here for me through everything. He does everything for me. He keeps me grounded when I'm anxious. He keeps track of how I'm doing. He makes me happy. He makes me feel good. But what do I do for him?

I sit on my bed in the dark thinking through every time I should have done something for him. I should hold the door open more often, give him more compliments, and buy him more gifts. Maybe I could even buy him flowers!

I lay back on my bed and try to think of ways I can fix this so that I won't stay awake freaking out about it when I get a text. I take my phone out, the bright light stinging my eyes in the dark.

"You up?” Tyler asks.

I lay back in bed trying to think whether I want to answer or not. I feel bad. I need to do something for him. What if I screw this up again? What if he leaves me?

I finally sit up on my elbow and type back, “Yea. I’m missing you.”

I smile to myself imagining the smile on his face when he reads my message.

My phone buzzes then, “Missing you too. Wanna come over? I can’t sleep.”

“On my way,” I text back. I quickly get out of bed trying not to make too much noise as I throw the covers on the floor. I quickly slip into my winter boots and throw on a coat since it’ll be cold. Then I walk over to my window, slowly slide it up, and climb out. I walk through the flower beds not trying to make too much noise, and I run towards the direction of his house. My face burns as the cold night wind blows against me. The stars are out, but my heart is still beating fast knowing that I’m outside alone, and I have no idea who might be out here. I quickly take two left turns and find his house. I see his open window by the hydrangeas, and I quickly run over to it. I awkwardly climb in, straddling the window sill as I swing both legs inside.

“That was fast.” Tyler is sitting on his bed smiling at me.

I smile back at him. I quickly start to untie my boots, and I take off my coat. I can feel Tyler’s eyes on my chest in the thin tank top, and I blush. I walk over to him then, and he pulls me into a tight embrace. His hands run through my hair soothingly, and a pleasant shiver runs through me.

“I missed you,” he says, tightly grabbing my thighs to let me know how grateful he is.

I smile at him. “Oh really? I couldn’t tell.”

He laughs, and we both get back into bed. We lay down and stare at each other in comfortable silence. Unlike with most people, our silence isn’t awkward. We know each other well enough to know exactly what the other is thinking just by their expression.

“So, why can’t you sleep?” I ask him.

He shrugs and looks down. “Nothing really.”

I playfully shove his shoulder and give him a look.

“What?” he says playfully. “I’m being serious. Why are you awake at this hour?”

I repeat his monotone voice and say, “Nothing really.”

We both laugh then, and he pulls me close. His arms wrap around my waist, and he buries his face in my shoulder. I feel like I’m wrapped in a tight blanket from the heat of his body against mine.

“Seriously though, what’s keeping you awake?” I ask.

I try to look at him, but he keeps me locked tight in an embrace. He doesn’t answer for a long time. Finally he grabs my arm and begins running his fingers along the scabs. My heart beats painfully fast as I remember last night. His fingers are cold against my hot skin. His touch feels like a balm to my wounds.

“I was really worried about you,” he says finally, his voice thick with emotion.

I try to pull back again wanting to see his face, but he keeps me in this tight hug.

“I’m fine,” I say quietly, and I can feel him shaking his head.

“No, you’re not fine…And I don’t know how to help you.”

I feel a tear fall on my shoulder, and I finally pull away. I put my hand up to his cheek, feeling the sand papery stubble on his face.

“Everything is going to be okay. I will be okay,” I say looking into his eyes.

He takes a deep breath, trying to blink away his tears. 

“I just…I just feel like you do so much for me…and you hide your feelings to make me happy…and I can’t do anything to help you.”

My brows knit together in confusion. “Tyler, you’ve done so much for me-”

“No, I haven’t…at least not enough. I should be able to keep you from doing this to yourself.” He closes his eyes.

My chest begins to tighten as I see how much he’s hurting for me. This is all my fault.

“Tyler, you’re being too hard on yourself,” I persist. “You can't be responsible for whether I stop or not. You’ve always been there for me. I wish I’d done more to help you after everything I’ve put you through.” 

My eyes suddenly well up with tears, and we look at each other with an understanding. He pulls me close, and I sob against his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, Tyler. I never meant to worry you. And-”

“No no no, hey, listen to me,” his deep voice vibrates against my chest. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I pull back and look into his eyes. “But I’ve caused you so much worry.”

He smiles. “Yeah, because I care about you. I wouldn’t be a good boyfriend if I didn’t worry, would I?”

I shake my head realizing he’s right.

“I am here for you, okay? Whenever you need me just tell me. I don’t care if it’s three o’clock in the morning; I will come to your house and hold you while you fall asleep.”

I smile as the tears run down my face. “I love you.”

He pulls me close again and whispers in my ear, “I love you so much.”

I finally feel like I can go to sleep. Maybe I can’t see everything I do for him, but I make him happy. He does a lot for me, and he doesn’t think he’s done anything. Maybe it’s the same way with me. I finally fall asleep, my head against his chest and his hand rubbing my back in soothing circles.