You Can't Atone

“I said no. Don’t you understand that no means no!”

David looked down, crestfallen. He hadn’t expected her rejection to come out in such a tone. He had known, of course, that she would reject his offer of friendship, because Kara had been doing the same thing since they met. Two months ago, they had been assigned as lab partners by Professor Strand and for two months he had been trying to befriend her.

David knew that the best course of action was to give up, but he had what many would call an annoyingly persistent personality. He was highly empathetic and he felt that this girl wanted to be understood, wanted to have a friend, even as much as she pushed back.

“I’m sorry,” he said awkwardly, backing off slowly. “I know I must be bothering you, but…”

“You see how alone I am and you pity me,” she filled in matter-of-factly. She was a beautiful girl in spite of her gaunt form and haunted eyes. Her eyes were brown, speckled with gold and they hardened at his words. “I know. You’re not the first, David and you’re not going to be the last.”

It had been hard for David to miss how alone she was. The school was a city college, rural and all of the first and second year students shared at least a couple general education classes. He and Kara happened to share three - a basic biology class, where they were made lab partners, as well as psychology and writing 101. Kara was always off by herself, avoiding any contact that wasn’t mandated by a teacher. She spoke to nobody, just listened to whatever lecture was offered and then left. Sometimes he saw her by herself eating between classes, glaring as though to protect herself from danger.

David had to admit that he was becoming a little obsessive.

“Sorry,” he managed to spit out again, feeling awkward for his apologies. "I just hoped that you'd...

“I’m a murderer, David, and I don’t let people close. Period.”

With those strange words, Kara stalked off. He watched her go, her honey brown hair bouncing as she walked.

***

David lived in an apartment with two other students, Andy and Shen. Both of his roommates were out when he arrived home that evening, Kara’s weird words still dancing at the back of his mind. She had called herself a murderer. What the hell was she talking about? He knew, instinctively, that she was trying to drive him away, but that was just an odd way of doing it. In fact, she had now appalled to his curiosity so much that he couldn't think of anything but Kara.

He did a mental tally of what he knew about her. Her name was Kara Golden, as their psychology professor had called her Golden a couple of times. She wasn’t local, as he saw Arizona license plates on her beat up car. He wasn’t following her because that would be creepy, obsessive and weird and he wasn’t that kind of guy. Right?

He just found himself fascinated by her and now that fascination had reached a sort of fever pitch.

Sitting on the end of his bed, he took out his phone and typed her name into the search engine.

KARA GOLDEN. ARIZONA.

He took a few minutes searching around. What he found was stranger than most things he imagined.

Nothing. No social media that he could find. Nothing about her. It was like Kara was a ghost, confusing and fascinating him until he had to know more. She had no online presence at all, as far as he could tell after searching the major social media sites - Facebook, Instagram, Twitter etc. That was pretty rare for a girl who couldn't have been older than nineteen.

He did a little more sleuthing and after five minutes one of his searches brought something. He narrowed is focus down to her last name.

The search was: GOLDEN, ARIZONA.

First, there were several blog posts about the beauty of the state’s sunshine and weather. Then, there was a bunch of results for a place in Arizona called Golden Valley. After some sleuthing into the deeper search results, he found a news blurb from three years earlier.

Phoenix, AZ - A fire devastated a neighborhood outside of Phoenix, destroying an apartment building and taking the life of one child. Claire Golden, 43, tells the Heartland of her family’s great loss. “My son, Michael, was six years old,” says Golden. “He was temporarily left alone in the house by his sitter." No word yet as to whether or not this sitter has been charged.

Then, he searched another term, dread filling his gut. Kara had called herself a murderer. Could there be a connection between this child's death and Kara herself?

Dreading what he would find, he typed in the words: MICHAEL GOLDEN DEATH, PHOENIX.

A moment later, he found a full length article about the fire and the child’s death and his blood ran cold. This had been what he was expecting, even if he refused to acknowledge that until he read the words himself.

The headline read: SISTER LEAVES BROTHER TO DIE. 

***

David wasn’t sure what to do with his knowledge. Kara’s story was heartbreaking, sending his stomach to the floor. Honestly, for a moment after reading the story, he felt like throwing up, but he reigned that urge back in. He knew it was probably best to leave it be, to not say a word to Kara, but now he understood her grief and anger and pain.

She was only sixteen and her negligent mistake had led to her brother’s death. The teenager had been babysitting Michael, but had left him to go across the street to see a friend, the article said, and by the time she returned her brother was dead. Commentators on the article blamed Kara, calling for a murder charge. Some of the comments actually threatened death upon the then sixteen year old girl.

"I'd love to lock her in a room and set it on fire."

"Bitch should be sterilized."

"Firing squad, anyone?"

David couldn't fathom the pain Kara must have been in, the knowledge that she had killed her little brother permeating her every action, controlling everything that she did. He swallowed, knowing for certain that there was no way to atone for what Kara did.

But she was trying, wasn't she? She was using isolation as her punishment, her way of keeping people at arms length while self-harming via loneliness. Obviously what she had done was horrible, but her punishment was always going to be a million times worse. Her punishment was self-hate at a level that he couldn't wrap his mind around.

He saw her outside of class though, and the words spilled.

“It wasn’t your fault, Kara. You can’t atone by being alone.”