Mrs. Robinson's List

Attorney Robert Wainright began opening his mail on a Sunday morning, after church. The office was quiet then and he used the time to catch up on paperwork.

He picked up a letter from Mrs. Herb Robinson, who'd died only a few days earlier. He'd go to her funeral. It was sad, she was ninety-two, so her death wasn't shocking.

To be opened after my death.

The cover letter merely stated:

To Whom It May Concern: November 20, 1982

After my release from the Mental Health Facility, in the 1980's my therapist suggested that I make plans and lists to help me cope with everyday life. I did so and this is what happened. I had to know that someone should be notified.

Signed, Mrs. Herb Robinson

He set that aside and began reading her second page and wondered if she'd suffered from dementia. Or maybe she'd added her shopping list to this envelope by mistake. The page looked like lists and a mishmash of typed print, pencil notes, pen and ink pen scribbles, and Sharpies. Some were explanations and details. At first, he thought she'd mistakenly mailed him the wrong pages. Then he began to read it:

EVENT: Herbs Birthday Bash

October 30, 1980.

Cocktails at 6:00 pm

Purchase three invitations.

Purchase ingredients for Aunt Roberta (Herb's favorite cocktail)

A bottle of each:

Gin

Vodka

Brandy

Blackberry Liquor

Absinthe

Mix equal parts of each.

Serve in tumblers

Appetizers:

Order cheese, meat, and cracker tray from Oliver T's

Tell them heavy on the cheese and meat

Seedless grapes and fresh figs for the fruits.

Dinner:

Prepare:

A Three pound Prime Rib Roast

German Gold potatoes (roast)

Fresh Asparagus (steam)

Fresh Italian rolls (from Italia Bakery)

Serve with Durif red wine.

Pretend to drink the alcohol.

Dessert:

Bake an Irish Whiskey Cake (Use my Gran's recipe)

Ingredients:

Raisins: Soaked in Whiskey with lemon zest, and raisins several hours before making the cake.

Ingredients:

• Lemon zest
•  
• Irish Whiskey
•  
• Butter
•  
• Dark brown sugar
•  
• All-purpose flour
•  
• Baking powder
•  
• Ground cloves
•  
• Cinnamon
•  
• Salt 
• PREPARE ONE DAY before the party and cover with foil.

Candles:

Three tapers for the candelabra on the table.

One number 5 and a number 2, for the cake.

Gift:

Two tickets to a U of M home game.

A bottle of Port Ellen Single Malt Whiskey.

One Small White Pine evergreen ready to plant, from the garden center.

List 2

Buy:

 Gloves (from Lowes)

A garden shovel. (Home Depot)

A ten-pound bag of fertilizer (Garden shop)

A ten-pound bag of lime (Lumberyard)

Extra large opaque shower curtain

Garden boots (Walmart)

Black hoodie, black Jeans, and baseball cap. (Target)

List 3

After the guests leave, suggest we get into our sleepwear and watch a movie, Sherlock Holmes (his favorite and with low-toned audio for relaxation).

Pour a glass of any remaining Aunt Roberta mixed with 3 crushed Xanax and serve to Herb.

Watch the Movie until he falls asleep.

List 5

Change into surgical gloves, black jeans, hoodie, and boots.

After Herb's asleep or unconscious, smother him with a plastic grocery bag. Make sure he's dead.  

Roll the party boy onto the large shower curtain, wrap him up tightly, and secure him with packing tape.

Line the trunk of Herb's Cadillac with a second shower curtain. Add my short-handled garden shovel, bags of lime, and fertilizer into Herb's trunk.

Pull the garden cart near the couch and lever him in.

(All of those months at the gym that my therapist suggested will finally pay off.)

Add the Garden cart to the trunk or back seat, wherever it will fit.

Ensure the gas tank is full.

Check that Carole is at home in Arizona. She said she'd never return to Michigan.

Drive (three hours) to Carole's abandoned family farm.

Carole is my youngest sibling and we are close, the red vs blue political thing. 

She inherited the place when her husband died, suddenly in his sleep and just picked up and moved to Arizona! Abandoned the farm instead of selling it!

Upon arrival drive between the trees, on the pine needles to leave no tire tracks.

Make certain the farmhouse and barn are empty and there is no one in the area.

Dig a hole (at least four feet deep, or deeper if possible)

Take breaks and drink water.

Use an old dim non-led flashlight.

Roll or drag out of the trunk and to the hole

Push him into said hole.

Sprinkle him evenly with lime.

Spread lime with some of the soil.

Add fertilizer as recommended on the package. Too much might kill the tree.

Plant the little Pine tree on top.

Stomp mound flat.

Obscure any tracks or footprints.

Carry the shovel, gloves lime, and fertilizer to the old barn nearby and place them among similar items.

Stop at the truck stop near halfway home. Take the bag of clean clothes into one of their larger, single-person toilets.

Lock the door!

Remove dirty clothing and wash face and hands, then up and dress in clean clothing and place soiled clothes into the.

Buy snacks before leaving, to make things look more authentic.

Take the car to Dave's the following day and have it detailed. had me do this once a month, so this should raise no red flags.

A handwritten note was on the third and last page.

I'm so sorry to dump this on you now, but I had to tell someone. you and the doctors were right, Herb started beating me a few weeks after we married. He caused two miscarriages. I was unable to have a baby after that. I was so shy and broken, having come from parents who abused me. I was so afraid to tell anyone back then.

I buried Herb at the old Smith's farm not far from the barn. There is a pine tree at the spot. I hope this helps.

I will my entire estate to St. Mary's Shelter for Abused Women.

Sincerely, Mrs. Herbert Robinson.