A Bitter Brew

Today, June 25, 2024, is a double shot espresso day. The sun is beaming down on the worn, green bench where I sit, watching my son, Gil, play in the sand. Today, I’m sipping my coffee extra slowly, savoring each bitter taste. Because when I finish, I need to decide whether or not to call the cops on my mother.

****

This all started at Tophi’s Coffee, where I always get my drink. It’s my and Audrey’s favorite spot. Everyone who enters is instantly greeted by hints of warm, french vanilla and cinnamon. We love sipping our drinks surrounded by hanging plants and orchids as mellow bossa sounds play on. Our only baby, Gil, seems to love it too. It always soothes him when he gets fussy, like a mystical spell.

For some time, Audrey and I took turns visiting Tophi’s. We needed space, though neither of us admitted it. Audrey stressed about buying a house and working on her promotion to afford it. I kept delaying the conversation, hiding behind excuses. Gil was still young. Interest rates were high. We already lived in a great school district. Rational reasons, but not the truth. And I think Audrey sensed it.

So when she first mentioned meeting a lady named “Ruth” in the coffee shop, I was kind of glad we had another thing to discuss besides a house.

“She approached me and called Gil a ‘cute little cherub,’ Greg,” Audrey had said at dinner one evening, her cheek stuffed with ravioli. “She was a bit odd, wearing this bright turquoise sweater and lots of shiny bangles and funny hair clips – oh I forget what you call them. I just wanted to drink my Americano and read my New Yorker in peace. But then she started talking about her grandkids. She just seemed lonely.”

This “Ruth” had helped care for three grandkids on the West Coast. But, after all reached middle-school age, Ruth said it was time to move on.

“She spoke with a bit of a drawl and said her husband and her moved down here to Florida for their retirement. ‘I sure do miss those grandbabies,’ she said it, exactly like that.” My wife had an affinity for directly quoting her favorite lines of people.

As weeks went by, conversations about Ruth became a kind of bonding agent between my wife and me. Audrey shared how comforting it was to have an experienced grandmother doting on baby Gil. Her own parents lived too far away to visit frequently, and mine had been out of the picture for years. My dad I don’t remember. My mom's absence was more intentional.

I grew curious about this Ruth, always somehow missing her at Tophi’s.

“Oh, you wouldn’t have missed Ruth. She always stands out,” said Audrey in a lighthearted tone. “She’s got this gnarly mahogany cane and isn’t afraid to wield it around if someone gets in her way. And then there’s her clips. She’s got a bunch of them on the top of her head sometimes. They’re usually sparkly.”

“Huh… that reminds me of…no, nevermind,” I told Audrey. “In any case, I can join you next time and we can all hang out. I’d love to finally meet her.”

When I said that, Audrey looked so excited that I chose to ignore that nagging feeling inside me. Instead, I held my breath and prepared for the best with Ruth.

***

“So, remember, Ruth is also from the South, although I forget which state exactly. Might have been several – army brat kind of thing. And you’re in the Reserves! So I’m sure there’s lots to discuss,” said Audrey, as we both entered Tophi’s one Sunday morning. I had worn a cap that day to hide the sweat from my forehead – and subconsciously, to make sure Ruth wouldn’t notice me right away.

“Ruth usually comes in a little after ten, so she should be here soon. I texted her to let her know you were coming,” said Audrey, sitting in her favorite corner section of the shop.

By that point, I had to take off my cap. The excessive sweat was making me itch. I remember thinking I could just leave and make up some stomach bug to Audrey later. But then Gil made this happy squeal as Audrey opened a bag of Cheerios for him.

Looking into his big, blue eyes I thought how much happier he’d seemed lately. Would me meeting Ruth destroy that? Or would letting Ruth stay in our lives ruin us all?

I couldn’t keep this buried ball of shame inside me any longer. I broke down and told Audrey what I feared about Ruth.

“Audrey, there’s something I haven’t been truthful about.” I swallowed hard, my throat dry. “I didn’t cut contact with my mom because of her religious views. I did it because she can’t be trusted.”

“Greg, I don’t know what to say. Why are you bringing this up now?” asked Audrey, her eyebrows furrowed with worry.

“Because I can’t trust her with Gil or you. Audrey, I used to have a sister, Tess. She was nine years older than me,” I said. “My mom, Claudia, loved buying these butterfly clips for Tess, who always wore them. I remember she had on these purple-colored ones on the last day I saw her. About twenty years ago, she left the house after learning that my mom was trying to open up a credit card in her name. She left because it wasn’t the first, nor likely the last time my mom had done that. My grandpa had found out she’d stolen his social for her addiction.”

Audrey just stared with her mouth open, so I continued.

“Tess found out my mom was gambling a lot and of course, losing a lot. In her mind, these ‘creative’ ways of getting money were to help us. She’d buy us what we needed and wanted. In fact, one of my strongest memories is us versing each other in Tetris. I begged her for us each to get one, and she did.”

By this point, I was sitting down, holding onto Audrey’s hands.

“But then she always went back to betting and lying. On that last day with Tess, I remember helping her find hidden cash in secret jars and sewn pockets. She promised to take me with her when she saved up enough, but she never did. A few years before I met you, I found out Tess died,” I said, stumbling on those last words.

By this point, I was clutching tightly onto Audrey’s hands. Would she just see this omission as a bold-faced lie all these years? Was I no better than my mom?

“I’m so sorry I kept this from you, Audrey. But I just have this dread that Ruth is Claudia. And I can’t bear to meet her right now. Please, can we go before she comes?” I said in desperation.

Audrey looked both stung and concerned. Then, she got a ping on her phone from Ruth. Her text conveniently said she couldn’t make it. Audrey got up in silence and put Gil in his carriage. She held my hand right hand, as she pushed the stroller with her left.

***

That evening, Audrey and I were sitting on our front porch. I was holding a sleeping Gil on my chest; she was sipping on her gin & tonic, her body curled into the rocking chair.

“So, your mom really did that to your sister?” she asked.

“Yes, and never apologized. When Tess left, my mom was all I had. So even though I was confused and angry, I clung to her. I think we even played Tetris that night. I thought, if I do what she says, we’ll make enough money and maybe Tess will want to come back. I was nine,” I said, caressing the top of Gil’s head.

“When I started applying for colleges, I also decided to open up a credit card, naively thinking everything would be fine this time. I had learned to keep whatever money I earned from odd jobs with my grandpa. But it was too late. My mom had managed to open and max out multiple cards with my social. That’s why I’ve been so afraid to buy a house. I’m worried they’ll look at my credit history and it’ll be downhill from there,” I confessed.

“I’m so sorry this happened to you,” said Audrey. “I wish I’d known earlier. All I remember is you telling me that your mom had these horrible, hideous teeth from chainsmoking. But Grandma Ruth – sorry, I mean – Claudia? She had these great set of teeth. And they looked real – not like the clunky dentures my dad has.”

“She probably used some funds she stole from me to get a nice set of veneers down the road,” I replied.

“You need to talk to her, to find out why she wants to be back in your life,” said Audrey, authoritatively.

“I know,” I said, thinking all the while it had to be about money. “All I want is for her to admit what’s she’s done.”

***

Afraid that Ruth would bail if I showed up to Tophi’s, Audrey and I decided it was best if she met up with Ruth by herself. So, my wife texted a desperate message. She said she was troubled about finances and while I was out of town, needed to talk to someone about it. If Ruth stopped meeting after that, I’d feel justified in knowing she was after our money somehow. If she offered to help, well – first we had to learn what kind of help she offered.

***

That day at Tophi’s I sat waiting outside in my car. Audrey had her phone dialed into mine, so I could listen to their conversation.

“Audrey, I’m so glad you reached out to me about this!” I heard Ruth say. Her voice sounded hoarse, just like I remembered. “I know how lonely it can be even with family supporting you.”

In an exasperated tone, Audrey laid out her dilemma, making up a story about how we were about to lose the family car to debt. That’s when Ruth revealed Claudia.

“Audrey, my dear, you don’t have to suffer. After my kid’s father died, I spent a few years, desperate. But then I learned about this convenient, hmm, life hack, is what people might call it nowadays. And you’ve got all the tools you need already,” said Claudia, almost chuckling a bit. She then explained how she used her kid’s social when she needed a new card.

“The best part is that Gil’s so young now. He’ll have so much time to build up that credit. And I’m sure once you get your promotion, you’ll be back on track to paying it off. I can show you how,” said Claudia.

“Wow, but, isn’t that fraud?” whispered Audrey, without missing a beat.

“It’s... finding control in a system that constantly brings us down,” said Claudia.

After that, I couldn’t let the conversation continue any longer. I hit save on the recording I was making and ran into Tophi’s.

***

I burst through the door and ran toward Gil, swooping him up in my arms, my heart pounding like a drum in my ears. Claudia, my mom, let out a gasp, clutching her chest.

She wore three purple butterfly clips all in a straight line on her head. I also spotted a heart-shaped necklace I had given to her when I was ten. Her face was plumper, with more lines. She pulled off the granny character well. Then, she started to slowly stand up with the help of her cane. Maybe this wasn’t part of her act.

“Gil, he looks just like you,” she said, reaching to tap my face. “Including that button nose. I’ve been wanting to come see you for years, Greg.” She then tried to lean in for a hug.

I stepped back and put my hand up, my head sweating again.

“Mom, have you changed at all? You look different. More like Tess in some ways. Did you find a way to use her name again?”

My mom looked down at her loafers, her voice trembling as she spoke of finding God and seeking help for her addiction. She mentioned a book club she lead, trying to paint a picture of redemption. I kept my distance, my heart pounding.

“Mom, you were always so great at talking about the good things, while hiding the ugly. If you really want us in your lives, you have to admit to what you’ve done.”

Finally, she let out a deep, heavy sigh and sat back down.

“Fine, Greg. I used your social – once. But I did it for you and you know that. And you were still so young, I’d figure you’d have years for the credit to recuperate. And it has, right? I only learned how to do this after what happened with Tess. I swear that wasn’t me. I miss her so much. These silly clips I wear, they’re all I have left of her.”

“I miss her too,” I said, simultaneously clenching my fists and wanting to reach out to my mom and hug her. “But I need time to think about all this.”

Audrey and I began to head out with Gil. Before the door closed to Tophi’s, I heard Claudia say, “My grandbaby – I’d do anything for that boy.”

***

Over the next few days, her words echoed in my head. I thought back to all the times my mom made sure I had my soccer uniforms and lunchtime snacks. I also thought of the close calls with cops and constant fear we wouldn’t have electricity for the month.

Anyway, that’s how I got to this park bench. I’m not sure I can go back to Tophi’s anymore after today. But at least this park seems nice, green and calming. And Gil, now that he’s getting older and can play with other kids, just absolutely loves it. Audrey’s going to meet me soon so we can head over to a financial advisor after.

I just need to enjoy these two two big slurps of my iced coffee. Slurp one – my mom was my mom. She was complicated and sick and did her best in her own way. Slurp two – my mom was MY mom. She was dangerous and twisted and did what was best for her.

I looked at Gil, giggling, just as happy as he had been at Tophi’s.

Let me just savor this last sip, I decided. Then, I’ll call the cops.