Demented

           I like to tease her. I know it isn't right. It's immortal, etc., but nobody's harmed, it's all in good fun and who cares? Ten minutes from now she won't remembrer it anyway and these people are a PITA (pain in the ass) anyway, so why not have some dun? She comes in the door, an adipose Latino woman who's legs been shaved for at least a year. “Hola, me embarassado amiga. Como esta?” Wait. I forgot. You, the reader, don't know why I'm calling this 84 year old woman embarassado. Hell, if you don't know Spanish, you don't even know what embarrasado means.

*

           This woman, who we'll rename AMIGA because of HIPPA (medical privacy act) had dementia and/or Alzheimer's Disease (AD) And at the stage of AD she's in, she's confused, but brutally honest. So, one time she comes in and says, “James, you are fat”. Now, that was true, but AMIGA was probably 125 lbs. overweight.  So, I asked, “I'm fat?” And she said, “Yeah. You're fat,” and I felt her stomach with my right hand and said, “Nino aqui” which means baby (boy) here. Then, AMIGO asked, “Nino Aqui? No. Oh my God, you'd have to tape each of my legs to the wall to get me to do that. No nino”. And she shook her head and I asked, “No nino?” And she told me, “That's right. No nino.” So I said, “Yo inteindo. No nino,” and she nodded her head and I said, “Nina aqui” and patted her stomach. That means she's having a girl, not a boy. So, she said, “No. No nino. No nina. Usted es loco.”

*

           That night, I looked on Google Translate for the Spanish word for pregnant and it gave me the word, “embarassada”. I would use that word with Amiga a lot.

*

           The following day, AMIGA came in to the place I work: Senior Day Care and I greeted her: “Hola, me embarassada, amiga” and she looked around her and asked, “Where? I don't see her.” And I pointed at AMIGA and said, “Usted”. She had a puzzled look on her face, then shook her head and said, “No. Yo no embarassada.” So, I said, “Lo siento. Hola. Buenos Dias. Como estas? And AMIGA answered, “Bien”. There were other people present who spoke Spanish and I asked, “Usted desere cola caliente?” And AMIGA said, “Yea”. And I said, “Cola caliente. Una momenta.” Then, SENIORA asked, “You do? Then SENIORA looked at me and said, “Don't make her none of that”. And I asked, “No. Porque no?” And Seniora said, “I'm going to talk to her. Find out what's going on.” Seniora spent 15 minutes talking to AMIGA and convinced AMIGA to get cola frio instead of cola calienta.   So, I gave it to her.

*

           “Hola, me embarassada, AMIGA” She had the puzzled look on her face and shook her head. “Listen. You no embarassada. Understand. I'm too old for that.” I asked, “Usted no embarassada?” And AMIGA said, “That's right. Yo no embarassada.” And I said, “Don't worry. We can fix that in no time at all.” AMIGA asked, “Fix it. Fix it how?” And I said, “Don't worry, by the time you leave here today, you'll be embarassada.” There was a pregnant pause and then Juana said, “No. Yo no desere embarassada. I'm too old. No desere.”

           Then we had a semi-normal day. 

*

           She came in the door, somewhat angry and said, “Listen to me. Okay?” And I said, “I'm all ears”. And AMIGA said, “Yo no embarassada. You understand. No embarassada.”

           I smiled and asked, “Embarassada? Usted embarassada?”

           AMIGA said, “No. That's not what I said. In fact, it's the exact opposite of what I said. No embarassada”

*

           Then, I came in one morning and I was exhausted. I only got three hours of sleep that past night because I have insomnia. Then, the first client who comes in is AMIGA. So, I think about what to say to AMIGA. And I say, “Beunos Noches, AMIGA”. And AMIGA gets the usual confused look on her face and asks, “Noches? No. No noches. Es Dias.” which basically means it isn't night, it's day. But, I persisted saying, “No, no. Es Noches. Es horas de cama. Beunos noches”. AMIGA said, “I just up. I'm not tired. It's day. I don't wanna go to bed”.  And I said, “No, no. Malos chica. Es noches” and I lay her on the couch and cover her with a blanket. Hell, I even give her a pillow. Then she get up immediately and I hear, “What you talking about? It's day. Look” and she opens the blinds. “See, there. That's the sun. It's day. Not night.” This was one of the few arguments she won with me. So, I let her watch TV. 

*

           This next story is one of my favorites. See, AMIGA likes to be included and gets angry when she feels like she's not included. So, she's also somewhat of a clutz. So, I hand everyone a BINGO card and give everyone but AMIGA red markers to put on their numbers (like B4). But, AMIGA kept lifting the BINGO card so we decided to stop giving her markers. And I start calling numbers and AMIGA says, “Wait. Why don't I get none of these read things.  See, N36. I got the number so why in the hell don't I get these red things.

           And I said “Porque usted embarassada”.

           AMIGA shook her head and said, “So, what? Suppose I was embarassada. What's that got to do with anything? I just want these red things.” That was the last time my boss let AMIGA play BINGO. 

*

           There was another time when AMIGA said she wanted to talk to me and spoke for about fifteen minutes in Spanish. Now, I only know a little bit of Spanish and at the end of her speech she asked me, “You understand, right?” and I said, “Si. Yo intiendo.” And AMIGA smiled. Then I said, “Usted embarassada” and she threw her hands in the air and shook her head and said, “Where the hell'd you get that from? I didn't say that.” And I said, “Si. Usted habla usted embarassada”. And she thought about it and said, “No. I never said that. You said that. I don't know why you keep saying that.” 

*

           There are also emergency sheets we make copies of in case an ambulance or an insurance company comes which has everyone's medical conditions on them. I don't have one since I work there. But, I found AMIGA's file and it said she had dementia/alzheimer's, had diabetes. I was able to type on there Embarassa too. That way the perimedics would know if they came. 

*

           Then, on another day, AMIGA was confused and said, “Somebody explain to me what this place is and why I keep coming here. Someone tell me what's going on. I don't know what the hell's going on. Somebody explain it to me.” And I smiled and said, “Usted Embarassada. Aqui el Maternity Ward”. She gave her confused look again, waited a beat and said, “I may have no idea what the hell's going on but that, that defintely isn't it.