Some Wounds Don't Heal

TW: Tough Family Situation

The door slams behind me and I yelp a sorry to my Gram before I even realize she is already sitting at the table in our small kitchen. Don’t call it that to her face though, she will always says it is ‘fun size’, like a doll house. 

“How was work, ducky?”

“It was good,” I sigh out as I grab myself a mug and make tea for the both of us, “just long.”

Gram leans back in her chair, a knowing smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “Yea, I don’t miss working, especially with these two hand fulls,”  she chuckles, gesturing toward the small mess left by Claire and Chloe’s evening antics.

I chuckle and bring the two mugs to the table for us, “Yea, Claire is… something. Was Chloe okay? I know she was rough when I dropped her off before work.”

“Chloe was fine, sweetie.”

“And you made sure-”

“That Claire finished her homework and practiced her routine at least twice. Although, she wanted to do it for an hour. She’s stubborn, that one.”

“Yea she is,” I said quickly, “What about Chloe? Did she prac-”

“Courtney,” my Gram grabs my white knuckles clenching my mug, “Everything went fine. We had the crock pot that you started this morning for dinner, brushed our teeth, the night went fine.”

I release a breath I didn’t even know I was holding in, and the colors returned to my knuckles. “I’m sorry, Gram, I just worry.”

“I know you get that from your mother.”

I roll my eyes and go to start a new conversation before I recognize the look in Gram’s eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Nothing,” she mumbles and sips her tea. I don’t push, I don’t have the energy to at the moment, but Gram didn’t need any pushing.

“Actually, I have a question about your graduation invites.”

I nod and hum, letting her continue, “I saw that you didn’t invite your mother.”

“Why should I?”

“She-she’s your mother, why wouldn’t you want her to see you graduate?”

“She missed the last 6 years of my life,” I shrug and pick up our mugs to put wash them, “figured she wouldn’t want to show up for this part either.”

“Courtney Jade Adams, don’t talk about your mother that way!!”

“Why? It’s the truth,” I turn to face my Gram, “and you taught me to always tell the truth.”

A yawn can’t be held back from my mouth as I make my way to the living room, trying to escape the conversation. As I start cleaning up Claire and Chloe’s scattered toys and books, I let the familiar rhythm calm my nerves. But the sound of Gram’s cane tapping against the floor follows me. Her persistence is unwavering.

“I know your mother hasn’t always been here-”

“No shit.”

“But she always did her best.”

My arms froze. Time had stopped. I didn’t think I heard her right. I couldn’t comprehend what she said to me, “What?”

Gram limps her way to her way to the couch and softly pulls me down to sit next to her.

“Your mother had her issues, yes,” she begins, choosing her words carefully.  “But she always did what she could. It wasn’t always easy with your father-”

“No, don’t!!”  I snap, standing abruptly. “Don’t tell me it wasn’t easy. I know it wasn’t easy, Gram.”

“That’s not what I meant, Courtney, she just had a lot of obstacles in her life and she had to make so rough choices.”

“How can you say that to me!!” I yell, my voice breaking, “How can you just excuse everything she did?”

My Gram mouth opens with words threatening to come out, but her voice fails her.

“How can you tell me that she had obstacles, that she had to make rough choices, and act like I should be okay with it all.”

“I’m just saying that you should try forgiving her-”

“I can’t forgive!! I won’t!!” my voice rises out of my control. My Gram and I have never really argued before, not like this. “She left us, Gram, she left us. Chloe won’t remember her at all, I-I have to tell Claire that she is a good person because she wakes up crying in the middle of the night saying that she is the reason mom left.”

My voice cracks under the weight of my frustration. “Do you know what it’s like to look your sister in the eye and lie, telling her Mom is a good person when you’re not even sure you believe it?”

“I… I didn’t know that Court.”

“I know you didn’t because I didn’t tell you because I had to take it all. The diapers, teething, I’m the one who comforted Claire she wasn’t dying when she got her period, not her,” my voice croaks out.

Gram reaches out for me, but I step back and wrap myself in my arms. I refuse to let the tears leave my eyes. “She didn’t just leave Gram, she took a part of me with her. She took my childhood. I should have been able to do the science fair, go to school dances,” I scoff at the absurdity that is my life, “I should have been able to go to fucking prom. But I didn’t.”

My lungs fill with air and let it out twice before I am able to continue, “A daughter, should not have to ask her mom to be a mother. And I sure as hell should not have to apologize for not begging her to come back.”

My Gram and my eyes meet, and I can see the tears reflecting in her eyes. Shakily, I take a breath, “for not being able to forgive someone who left when I needed her most,” I sigh, “I won’t apologize for that. I won’t do it.”

She stands up slowly, and I expect another scolding, but it doesn’t come. Instead, arms meet mine and pull me into a tight embrace and I can’t hold it in anymore and let the tears flow. It’s not a pretty cry, it’s a soul-crushing, blubbering wail that I didn’t know I was capable of. We stand there surrounded by my weeps and nothing else is said. Her actions say enough, and right now it’s all I want, all I need.