Fear switch

My eyes were wide open now, pupils dilated, and blood freezing in my veins. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest to get away from it all—since I couldn’t. It was as if I had encountered Medusa and was turned to stone. 

I guess if you think about it, the last feeling you’re left with forever when you realize your entire life will amount to nothing but a petrified, cold figure is exactly this... 

Fear. 

Pure fear. 

The kind that makes you realize there is no escape, no chance to do anything to help yourself. 

These kinds of things never crossed my mind because I avoid situations that make me uncomfortable, anxious, and especially afraid. I’m not an adventurous person—someone who would seize the moment rather than regret it—but somehow, I ended up here. So scared that I’m unable to move, feeling a terrifying scream caught in my throat, unable to let it out, to even say a word, to ask for help. 

I knew I should have gotten out of this situation the moment I realized what I had gotten myself into. I shouldn’t have come here. 

 ***

It all started this morning when my twin sister, Anne, asked me to go on a boat ride with her. She said she had booked it in advance and had been so excited to go with her fiancé. They paid for and prepared everything, but he got called into work, and she didn’t know what to do because they couldn’t cancel. She didn’t want to go alone. I couldn’t say no—I could already see the disappointment on her face, so I agreed to go. I wasn’t a big fan of the ocean, but a boat ride didn’t seem too bad or demanding. After all, I’d just have to attend and sit through it. 

My mistake was not paying much attention to her yapping when she told me about it. Her speech was rousing and I couldn’t interrupt and ask her to start over because I wasn’t listening. So, I ended up on a boat facing my oldest fear. 

The floating horror in question arrived to pick us up when I realized what I had gotten myself into. 

“I can’t believe you’re actually doing this with me! I mean, coral reef scuba diving is something anyone would love, but at such a depth! I thought you had some sort of sea phobia,” Anne said. My heart started racing, and I sat down for a moment. I tried to breathe and control my distress, denying my thalassophobia—badly remembered by my sister. 

After she nagged me about our childhood and how she knew I told her something similar, I finally convinced her to stop searching for my deepest fears. Unlike Anne, I never forgot how everyone laughed at me when I confided in them. I couldn’t bear being mocked again, especially now when I’d rather drown than do this. I had to get out of this boat, out of this situation. My palms were sweating, and I could hear my pulse in my ears.

~Boat engine starts~  

“OH NO. Nope. No way. This can’t be happening,” I thought, worst-case scenarios flooding my mind. I felt like living all of them from the overthinking that made my body tense and weak in sudden shifts. 'I think I’m going to be sick. I feel dizzy. I can’t do this.' I hated feeling this way, trapped between pessimism and irrational fear. Usually, I use overthinking to my advantage, avoiding anything that would inconvenience me, not to help me escape a real threat – or possible deadly situation, after filtering it through my thinking. ’What am I doing? What will I do?’ I am losing precious time in which I could’ve found an excuse to turn this boat around. My mind can’t work under this pressure and my body sure isn’t very helpful.

“What’s wrong? You seem kind of pale. I hope you’re still up for this; I’m so excited to do this with you!” 

“Anne…” I couldn’t let her down, not when she had that spark in her eyes—a spark I hadn’t seen since we were kids. She looked like a five-year-old on Christmas morning. And maybe I was just being paranoid. “Don’t worry, I won’t ruin this for you. It’s just a little motion sickness,” I treacherously lied to my sister, with whom I had shared everything my whole life. I couldn’t tell her the truth out of fear she’ll laugh at me and I would no longer feel just afraid but also ashamed and upset.

“Well then, stop overthinking. As long as you don’t get swimming sickness, you’ll be fine. We’re almost there,” Anne smiled warmly in her specific way that usually melted my worries. But now, it only calmed me enough to avoid turning into a lunatic. 

We started putting on our equipment as we moved farther and farther into the deep ocean. 

‘1000 meters, 2000 meters…?’ It’s been a while since we were able to see any land. I didn’t want to think about the depth we were at, so I kept telling myself it wasn’t that deep. Our ride wasn’t longer than an hour, ‘But the motorboat moved fast.‘ Stop it! I won’t think about this anymore.

Meanwhile my sister explained the use of everything in our gear and the emergency action plan, that “we shouldn’t get in much detail with because it’s just a precaution”, as she learned in her training. I would describe it to you but my mind got blank and I cant remember a word she said. Sometimes I’m having a hard time paying attention when something else is bothering me so my thoughts spiraled elsewhere. 

It was time to enter the water in order to be done and on our way by sunset. Anne dove in headfirst, waiting for me. I entered slowly from the edge. I think by this time it was clear, I was’t thrilled to do this so she waited to make sure I’d actually follow her. 

I wasn’t afraid of water or swimming and the ocean was calm today. If the waves had matched my anxiety, I wouldn’t have come this far. I closed my eyes and submerged myself. The world around me and all my worries vanished briefly; I felt weightless and my mind cleared. But the quiet was deafening and it would soon turn eerie. 

Once I got used to the feeling I opened my eyes and my stomach tightened. I felt so small and exposed. All I could see was water, shades of blue forming a bottomless void, darker and darker when you dared to venture below.

My sister was having a blast. Her eyes were wide and curious, and her smile kept widening. She pulled my hand to go deeper. I didn’t like that idea, but losing myself in this place with no landmarks to help me navigate for sure wasn’t better. We swam, and I focused on inhaling and exhaling slowly to calm myself, counting every breath rather than the minutes I still had to endure this.

 “56, 57, 58...”

 I kept swimming slowly to avoid getting tired. What if I reached exhaustion here and didn’t have the strength to return to the surface? Cynical me gets all kinds of ideas, but they aren’t important now since I have bigger things to worry about. I hoped my sister would get bored faster so we could get out of here.

It wasn’t long until I saw it. At first, I thought we’d been down here for hours and the sky had darkened with nightfall. But I knew I was wrong because a few moments later, the lighting changed again. I could see the warm daylight filtering through the surface, like it does through tree branches.

 “120, 121, 122...”

 Anne noticed it too and looked up, but the surroundings above us didn’t seem to have changed. The second time it happened, it was more sudden and got even darker than before, but like the first time, it faded before our eyes could adjust.

 I started to worry because I realized faster than Anne what was happening. My body was overcome with fatigue, and I was distressed. You could see the unsettling look on my face as I glanced at my sister, too afraid to check the surroundings. Unlike me, Anne let her reflexes kick in and looked up and down to figure things out. She wasn’t agitated or scared; she just lost the charming smile she’d had moments ago and now looked serious.

 I wanted to curl up and hide. My heart pounded in my chest, so I started to slowly close my eyes, trying to disappear for a second. Just then, my sister grabbed my hand. She managed to pull me just a bit closer and when I opened my eyes, I saw it.

“134, 135, 136, 137...”

 We were both stunned, and it felt like the whole world stopped. I tried to keep breathing, but it felt as though this place and I were frozen in time. It was right in front of us, and I could only see a small part of it, yet it was massive. I couldn’t comprehend the size difference in that moment.

 Its big eye was staring at us, cold and emotionless. This is how my nightmares always began. I would see it and try to swim away but never managed to escape before waking up. It would catch me and swallow me whole. But in my mind, I imagined the stories you are told as a kid or the ones you see in movies. This was entirely different. Facing a gigantic whale, feeling it look through your fears, not knowing what to do or if you’ll live to see tomorrow.

“149... 150... 151...”

My eyes were wide open now, pupils dilated, and blood freezing in my veins. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest to get away from it all—since I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to swim to shore, but I was too afraid. I thought that moment would never end until I felt it: Anne grabbed my feet and pushed me toward the surface.

 “171, 172,173,174...”

 After she gave me that boost, I felt like I had the strength to keep going. I swam as fast as I could, not looking back to avoid letting fear overwhelm me.

 I could see the surface, the sun, and in no time, the sky and the “BOAT!” I scrambled in, and as soon as I felt the solid ground beneath my feet, I rubbed my eyes and tried to adjust them to the light as quick as possible.

 “226,227,228...”

 I looked in all directions. “Water, water, water...” All I could see was the damn ocean. I waited a little more, kept looking, but there was nothing.

Exhaustion and despair washed over me. I kept searching in sight, but it was hopeless. I couldn’t see Anne anywhere. I collapsed onto the cold wooden deck and tears started rolling down my cheeks. I felt like I was falling apart, so I just stood there for a while, sobbing. I thought about how foolish I’d been not to tell her. Everyone laughed at me for nothing. If I had just told her, she would have understood why I didn’t want to do this—I was terrified of whales. Maybe we would have turned back, and this would never have happened.

 “I’m sorry, I’m...” I kept whispering through my sobs.

 I knew no one would laugh at me now. I wished I had conquered my fear earlier, so I could have been the one to give her one more breath to take.

“228,227,226,225,224,223,22...”

THE END