(Content Warning: profanity, violence, murder)
My story? Well, I had me a husband by the name of Goosey...weird name, right? But, in hindsight, he did kind’a resemble a goose, what with his long neck and nose and beady eyes. And he weren’t no swan, I can tell ya’ that; I ain’t mistaken’, here. I only married ‘im cuz he seemed like the best option at the time. He did a decent job providin’ for us and our dog, Lucy. We lived on a farm and he was out milkin’ cows and whatnot for most of the day, then he’d sell the milk and sometimes a cow or two, and he also did stuff with vegetables like corn and peas and whatnot. Oh, and he also baled hay and sometimes did stuff with animalses's manure since it’s supposed to be good fertilizer.
So, anyhows, one day - it was this past Tuesday - we's watchin' a movie with that karate or whatever star, Bruce Lee, and some kind'a female that I think was a floozy...she had them big tits, y’know, and was wearin’ a short skirt that showed the whole of her ankle. So, we’s watchin’ that movie when he turned his head, lookin' kind'a boozy cuz he be drinkin’ all the time and I don’t know how he ain’t never had an accident on the trailer or anything. But in a voice like the ocean blue so deep, he said, "My darlin', this life I cannot keep, so I'm leavin' you soon and don't you dare weep."
I thought I misheards him for a minute, so I look at’im, and he repeats hisself. So I keep lookin’ at that lowdown rotten creep, that stingy man who was always so cheap, and what I said was, "Bleepity bleep bleep!" Cuz I don’t use that foul language, you know, but I had to get it out how I was feelin’ right then. So then I said, “What’chu mean, you leavin’ soon and don’t I dare weep? What’s that bleep about?”
He said, “I mean what it sound like. I’m tired of you and this farm, so I’m gonna be takin’ Lucy and leavin’ ya’.” Before I could say anything else, he went outside, jumped in the rusty jeep, and didn't return ‘til time to go to sleep. By the time he came back, I’d been up thinkin’ and then the other me came out, cuz I gots the, y’know, the two personalities deal. So, I’mma let her pick up this part of the story cuz I was zoned out, then.
Just so you know. Here's what happens when you leave a bad bitch. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and I was scorned to the hilt! So he ditched his life. And it went like this:
When the bastard - yeah; I cuss; like a sailor, cuz I ain’t a wuss like that Maddie wench! - came back that night, me and my machete named 'Stitch’ came out’a the kitchen where we’d been hidin'. I’d changed out’a that matronly flannel dress and into my black leather jeans, denim top, and black combat boots, and I’d changed the hair bun into a ponytail. Maddie don’t wear no makeup, either, so I decided to doll up first. I like a lot of heavy eyeshadow to bring out the green in my eyes and red in my dark hair. If I’d had time, I would have added my gray skunk stripe, but there was no time for hair dyin’ cuz someone else was gonna be dyin’ and I needed to be ready. So, when Goosey saw me lookin’ like that, he knew the score and like my favorite movie, he was gone with the wind, but I was on his ass like panhandlers on a ten! Then I swung Stitch like I was Babe Ruth at the bottom o’ the ninth and just like that, where his head had once been was mostly a stump, like a newly-slaughtered hen. I won't go into the rest of the details cuz it was a really grizzly scene and you don't wanna know what became of his entrails.
After that, I cleaned up as best I could, using some bleach and different cleaners, and I gave Lucy a wash-down, and got a few snoozes cuz mornin’ would be here soon and the farm workers would be lookin’ for him. So in the interest of avoiding jail, me and Lucy decided we'd best bail. So now me and my dog are on the run, drivin’ Goosey’s old red car. I think it’s a Buick or somethin’. And you can call us Thelma and Louise, riding into the sun, and when all has been said and done, it'll probably end in a hailstorm of guns.
So, now it’s been a day of ridin’ and me and Lucy are makin’ good time, thoughs I don’t know right where we’re goin’ just yet. Lucky for us, this is the country and I’m drivin’ through the backroads where’s it just dirt and stuff, and avoidin’ the paved roads. Every now and then, I stop and pick us some peaches and apples and blueberries and shit. Lucy’s a dog, though, so even though she’ll eat fruit, I know she really wants meat, so I throw her some meat out’a the trunk every now and again. I love the country, too, so while I’m drivin’, I take the time to smell the flowers like they say ‘ceptin’ I don’t stop and smell ‘em, I just looks at ‘em. I like lookin’ at all the cattle at the different farmhouses, too. It’s the time of year where the hay gets baled, too, so I admire the hay bales and let my window down so’s I can smell that good country air. Lucy’s a yellow lab, and she keeps her head out the window, lettin’ the wind blow in her fur and shit.
I’m thinkin’ ‘bout where we’re gonna bed down for the night, whether to try to find a hotel in town or just sleep in the car or even sleep in an empty field like Maddie did when she was a kid, when I see red, white, and blue lights in my mirror, and I know it ain’t no damn flag!
So now the cops are on my tail, catching up fast, and soon will be a showdown since the die has been cast. I look around, tryn’a think of a plan. I can ditch this ride, hide in the tall grass on the side, and hope they don't manage to peep my ass. I tell Lucy to lay down and she lies down on the floor of the car to where she cain’t be seen, then I jump out’a the car and hide in the grass that it seems like nobody’s cut this century.
Shit! Shit! They've seen me, but I’ve got no fear; I've got a bunch'o bullets and a gut full'o beer, so I'll just stand and wait for them to come near. One of them approaches with his weapon out, and he’s speakin’ into his walkie-talkie. He’s kind’a tall and stocky and about my age, around 35. Seems his hair is brown, but now ain’t really the time to be dissectin’ ‘im.
“Come on, now, miss. We just wanna talk to you for a bit.”
“So talk.” I arch an eyebrow and use a finger to move a lock out’a my face. If I mess up my manicure even more cuz of this fool, I’m gonna be real mad! I already broke one nail and smudged the dark blue polish takin’ care of Goosey’s body. But that’s on me for manicurin’ before killin’.
“Just...just come to the station with us. Nobody’s gotta get hurt, here.”
I see him slowly inchin’ his hand for his piece and I see another pig comin’ up behind him, so I let loose with my glock. Rat-a-tat-tat! And now the way is all clear. I dash back into the car, tell Lucy she can sit now, and high-tail it down the dirt road. After a while, the dirt ends and it’s nothing but paved road. Dammit!
All is quiet for nearbouts an hour, so I decide to ditch this car and get another’un if’n I can remember how to hotwire one; it’s been a bit since I last did it. Then we’ll stay at a hotel for the rest of the night. I look at the cars we pass, try’na find one that won’t stand out.
What the fuck?! Now there's a police barricade! Will there ever be an end to this escapade? This car ain’t gonna make it through the blockage, and I suck at backin’ up. Maybe a u-turn? And then what? Back to the dirt roads? I need to preserve as if I'm a marmalade, so after thinkin’ for a quick minute, I decide it's time to pull out my trusty hand grenade. I spotted them when they were still a little bit off, so I quickly put the car in Park, jump out, pull the pin on that bad boy, and put my Babe Ruth suit back on, throwin’ that li’l fucker for all it’s worth.
Bamz! They’re all blown to bits, cars, cops, blockade, everything. I admire my work for a bit, then drive around the wreckage, in the ditch, before climbin’ the car back onto the road and peelin’ off.
And just like that, I can go on my way. I don't know how long we can live this way, cuz I can’t avoid the inevitable forever, but you best believe, I refuse to be put away.
So now I'm a hunted woman, no safe place to go. How's this all gonna end? Hell if I know!