Your kiss is the drug.

It's just one of those days that you wake up and feel the toll of time. It pounds loudly in your ears, the thundering steps of the time passing, reminding you how small you are in comparison. Reminding you how you can not escape it, can not avoid it, can not stop it. And you just lay there, unable to move from this overwhelming feeling of helplessness. You just lay there and listen. Listen to each excruciating second fleeting and leaving you behind, still in bed. Soon you start to panic. Not wanting to admit that it's useless. You grab onto the little hope you still got left and hold on to it dearly. Not wanting to let it out of your sight. Because you know, if you do, everything will fall apart.

You get out of bed and look out of the window. You notice how nature's slowly waking up, coming out of its long sleep - just like you did. It’s still winter, the season of death. But you feel the spring, the rebirth, creep in. And you hope that you will be reborn as well. Transformed into something of your liking. You can feel the sun warming your cold, lonely, wrinkled face like an embrace and you feel the warmth slowly dripping in your cold, lonely heart. It feels shocking. The contrast in temperatures. And it gives you the rush of adrenaline. Maybe you can catch the time after all.

Ideas of grandeur suddenly suffocate you and you can hardly breathe. You decide you are happy. And you can be happy. That you are going to have fun. You're going to feel young and carefree, that you will finally catch the time, and stop it. You want it more than anything else. To stop the bastard from taking your youth, your happiness, your confidence, your joy.

You decide to go out, meet some friends, have some drinks, smoke some cigs... You really do not need alcohol to have fun, but it is fun, it makes you feel young and free. Makes you remember the old times, the good times. So you succumb to the feeling until it eats you alive. Until it destroys you and drains the life out of you, leaving you with nothing but an illusion of life.

Still, you don't hold back. You drink a bottle of beer and talk a little with your friends. You feel alive for a while. You are feeling younger and happier and you try to hold on to those feelings, but it still manages to slip away and you're left with an emptiness in your stomach. So you try to fill it with another bottle of beer. A pang of happiness returns in your empty heart. It starts pumping blood again. But it doesn't seem enough. Neither do your friends. You're all in your late 20's. You realize they're old. Old like you. You notice wrinkles around their eyes, around their mouth, strands of white hair here and there, a kind of serious, secure air around them. They are old. And they remind you of your expiring youth as well. It makes you feel good about yourself until you notice the light behind their eyes. They look alive. They feel alive and you feel the jealousy come over you like a big tidal wave that crashes everything you hold on to so desperately. It makes you angry. It feels unfair. You want to take it away from them. You want to see them miserable, like you, so you can feel better about the darkness behind your own eyes. So you can feel better about the claws of death holding tight on your shoulders. You do not realize how young you still are. You don't realize how much you have ahead of you. You don't realize how your eyes light up when you laugh. You don't realize how boyish you look and how all your wrinkles disappear when you allow yourself to feel happy. Because you don't want to. It's easier to complain. It's easier to just give up. It's easier to submit to the passage of time, and the latter's ground-shaking steps make it even easier to just trip and fall and never get up. So you drag your friends with you. You complain. You remind them of the things you did for them in the past. How much of a good friend you were. They owe you. They're in debt. They have to pay their debts to make you feel better about yourself. Because you do not want to do it yourself. You want to feel like everything revolves around you, that you're in the center of the universe, and that you're important, in order to feel alive. You are so dependent on the world around you, that you forget entirely about your inner world, and how brightly you truly shine. And you drink another bottle of beer, so you can forget about your worthlessness, your weakness, your dependence.

You see a girl and you like her. She makes your heart beat faster. You feel it start pumping blood again. Makes you feel alive once more.

But deep inside, you know it's not gonna last. Her youth attracts you, and you have to snatch it. You have to drain the life force out of her. You make a drunken conversation. You can hardly speak. But she understands you because she sees you. She sees your eyes light up when you laugh. She doesn't notice the wrinkles, or sadness, or emptiness in your heart. She feels your foolish youth in your voice, in your eyes, in your smile. She laughs with you. She makes you feel better about yourself. She makes you feel young and happy again and you get addicted to the feeling. You want more. So you drink one more bottle of beer until you can get it.

Still, slowly, the fear creeps into your bones. And now the girl's youth seems intimidating. It makes you uncomfortable. It feels like a gamble. You're holding onto the hope that she will confirm your worth by liking you, but every second of distance adds to your self-loathing like a sharp knife. You're too afraid of rejection and confirmation of your worthlessness, so you don't dare make a move. You're floating in the emptiness, in the significance of time, unable to move. Too consumed by fear, paralyzed by the truth only you believe and don't want to face. So you drink another beer, so it can soothe your nerves. It makes it easier for you to face the truth. You are unhappy. You are numb. Nothing will ever make you feel alive again. No matter how hard you try. You hear time’s footsteps grow louder. It's getting late. Soon the last chance of your happiness will leave you alone in your misery. But you don't want to accept your fate. You want to hide from the truth. You want to stay young for a little while. So you buy another beer. Desperately holding onto the feeling of youth. Running away panicked from the passage of time. Trying to mix in the crowd and hide. Trying to drink your feelings away. Trying to forget your worries.

In this anguished attempt of running, you feel a hand on your arm. The stomping of time stops and it's quiet all of a sudden. You turn around and see her smiling, youth radiating from her face like sunshine and it warms your whole cold, lonely body, that's so excruciatingly desperate for life. You're drawn to her like a drug and your lips start burning once they connect with hers. You can feel the life force dripping out of her soft lips and making its way down to your heart. You feel the overwhelming power of happiness take hold of your entire being and warm you to your bones. You're a hostage, a prisoner of her affection. Her beauty lights up your whole world, your dark, gloomy world. You feel young again. You feel alive again. You don't need alcohol anymore. She is everything you've been looking for. You're holding onto her lips like dear life and don't want to let go, as the last desperate attempt at stopping time. Kissing her feels like the best thing that's ever happened to you and you don't want to stop. But the overwhelming joy makes you want to appreciate the moment, her face, her presence and you try to express yourself the best you can in your drunken condition. You stutter. You mix your native tongue with English. She doesn't understand you, but it doesn't matter. You understand her. You understand yourself. You understand life. You feel it for the first time ever and you want to hold onto it for as long as you can. That's the most important thing. You feel her soft skin with your slightly wrinkled hands and grab her like you're grabbing your fleeting youth. You want to feel every inch of her body, caress her perfect skin, and remember how it must feel. To have no wrinkles. To be young and carefree. To be alive. You want to capture this moment with every sense you have. You stop between the kisses to look at her and remember every detail of her face. You try to remember how her body feels. You try to engrave her scent in your brain. You try to listen to her soft breathing as she succumbs to lust completely. You try to remember the taste of her mouth, tainted with alcohol, and now your tongue.

And you fall into desperation again. Feeling broken and destructive. You ruined the only good thing in the world. You poisoned her with your selfishness. With your lust. With your greed. With your greed of youth, you took hers. And you know you're going to leave her broken. Like you always do.

You get angry at yourself because you always do this. You chase youth and happiness and leave nothing but ruins in an attempt. You drink, and drink, and drink. In an attempt to feel better. In an attempt to make yourself feel good. In an attempt to slow down time. But it never works. All it does is leave you even emptier than you were before. You don't actually want to cause harm. But your desperate need for life makes you attract it. You can not escape it. It follows you everywhere. And each time, you give in. You succumb to it. And each time, you're left with regrets. At the end of the day, they're all girls that make your life worth living, and you're just some guy they made out with on a Friday night.

You leave. The life drains out of you again and the cold starts to creep in slowly. First, your skin gets cold, then your muscles, then your organs, then your bones, and lastly, your heart. You walk on your way home entirely frozen. Empty inside. The time pounding and ringing again in your ears. Your head aches from the noise. You can't see straight, your vision's darkened. You can't think straight, you're spiraling. You walk absentmindedly and your body alone takes you home. You still can not feel. You're detached. You're observing yourself from the side. You watch yourself enter the dark, lonely, cold house you call home. You watch yourself enter the room. You watch yourself lay in bed next to your girlfriend and feel her cold body against yours. She is drained of life. And it's all your fault. You can't be happy and you don't let people around you be happy. You're greedy. Greedy of life. And you take and take and take until you drain everything around you of life. Until you're the only one left standing. So it can make you feel alive in comparison.