Chronic

*Trigger warning: Physical violence and Suicide.

They were screaming again. My gaze fell onto my air pods resting beside my book, they were drained all because I didn’t have the patience to wait till I arrived home to use them. Who can blame me though when I have to take it in every single day that I’ll be coming home to this.

“You’re always away! What did you expect me to do?!” The coarse words of my father shattered through the air to most if not all rooms of the house. Before my mother could reply, the smooth flows of pop music blocked out all the noise. Maybe they can last for some more extra minutes.

It all started about how our money was being spent by my mother, then it spiralled like a nightmare. The first issue ends and then a new one arises, either completely different or similar or even the same.

I pulled back my attention towards the textbook in front of me, dipped my head and tried to continue studying. My eyebrows began to bend downwards, my eyes scrunching in worsening discomfort and pain. My mind lifted off into the clouds for moments only to be pulled down by gravity mercilessly.

What was the problem this time? Cheating? Not spending enough time with each other? Should I try to do something? I have before, but its always short lived cause clearly nothing has changed.

Again, I pinched myself in my elbow lightly and looked back in my history book. Soon after again, my mind began to coil. This is really that hopeless. My life is falling apart and I don’t want to do this anymore!

I shook my head lightly, just one more day. Just wait until tomorrow. It will all end.

Its normal apparently for this to happen since my parents are rich. For rich parents to have distant or difficult relationships with their children. Well that’s what the Internet said, I’m not about to tell no stranger about what’s going on including my friends.

The simple action of studying is an act of hope- recovery that perhaps the worst hasn’t come yet, that I made it just in time. That irked me as my efforts accomplished nothing, my mind was too occupied mimicking the attention span of a modern day IPad kid. The school system that allocates students to certain subjects based on their performance might have caught up to me.

Closing the book that I had only managed to study for minutes on end, I switched on my phone’s screen and changed the song before lying my head on my desk. I opened my texts, they were of my friends. Some of them took their year end results on the actual day of closing, yesterday and I didn’t.

I lied to them and told them that I was busy, but my parents and I know the truth though we all won’t say it out loud. I was afraid and I still am. Facing an open side of the table, I massaged my mashed eyes for moments before finally falling asleep.

My skin felt cold through the seat dark wooden seat. I stared down at my glass of water, waiting for my father actually to show up at the table. He had parked in the drive way minutes ago. The crustiness I was feeling in my eyes was now fading away, my tiredness completely gone. It was nine in the evening, my mother and I were about to eat supper but he arrived moments before digging in. What’s even worse is that I would be awake for the whole night to feel their tension through the walls of this building.

“What time do you want to leave tomorrow?” My mother sounded straight forward, plain pulling her white blouse down as it has risen up slightly.

“In the morning as usual.” I answered back, vain of any emotion, but I remained stern.

“How was your day?” I spoke with the tone I used with my mother, trying to push a short conversation. My dad’s dense footsteps had finally come up stairs. It’s either that or, he’s going to be on my case as to why I didn’t greet him, an elder. His brown body passed by the long white dining table.

“It was great, my dear. I know you’re excited to take your results.” His voice had a smile, a wide one than that. That stressed and grossed me out even more. They never read in between the lines, can’t they see that I’m not okay.

“I sure am.” I faked excitement and then stuffed my mouth with rice to avoid saying anything more if he were to ask. He walked passed me, not noticing my motion and went up to my room. My mother’s attention had been spared on me though. She didn’t say anything, a sly look of anger instead was now showing. Great.

My chest felt so compressed. I know myself, I knew what I was doing during the past days this year. I sat beside my mom in the passenger seat, the black colour of the exterior heated up the inside.

The drive to school was quiet, I had nothing to say as usual to her. She had nothing kind to say too as she was still angry about yesterday’s daily argument about the environment or something and about my consistent dropping grades. Her moss of coarse black natural hair remained still though the wind from the moving car blew harshly into my eyes from where I sat. My window was closed, hers was as open as her displeasure in me as her daughter. She never said it out loud because it wasn’t necessary, she knew that. I know that, well I think I do. The talking eye and silence was just an added feature I guess, to show tough love? I don’t know really but it doesn’t matter anyway. My grades have been hanging by a thread since their nonsense began two years ago. Little by little they plummeted until it wasn’t little anymore and they took an astonishing dip.

Yet, not a word of comfort or curiosity as to why it was happening was ever thrown my way. Just stern words of dismissal and absolutely no appreciation of me trying to dissolve their issues when I would try! My heart will forever ache for the happy parents I once had.

My father had left two hours earlier before we did at 3 am. I know that he’s job as a doctor is demanding, but I know that his shift doesn’t start that early, at least not today. Shocking, not really.

To avoid the stinging silence, I had popped in my air pods way right before we took off. Plus since I fell asleep way too early and stayed up all night, it didn’t take much to get distracted by the music. But I made sure to remember that I needed the air pods after school, just in case if I passed.

“Bye mom.” I smiled, almost genuinely at the woman as opened the car door. This might be the last time I will see her.

“Bye.” Her words shot through my numb heart, just like that she drove off. Rolling my eyes, I switched off the music and entered the black school gate. My sneakers slammed lightly on the cream pathway, the tall verdant bushes blocking the rough wind that came my way. Glossy yellow light caressed my bare shoulders warming them up ever so slightly.

My long black braids scratched along my back with every step I took. Surprisingly a lot of students were here, sitting on the benches on the other side of the bushes chatting. The occasional person walked past me. A lot of people failed it seems, why else would they postpone taking their results days later.

“Rumbi!” Hayley’s loud voice caught my attention, she was sitting on a bench at my far left.

A curve showed on my lips, I jogged to the girl sitting with the my other friend, Anna.

“Hey guys. Where’s everyone else?” I plopped my bag on the seat and jeered at Anna. I was playing dumb.

“They took their results yesterday. They all passed. We were waiting for you. I asked if they could come since you didn’t take your results. They agreed, but clearly they’re not here.” Anna didn’t hesitate to answer joyfully, but her eyebrows dipped a bit in confusion.

Of course she doesn’t know. They were going to a party, Hayley and I were going to go too right after taking our results if everything went well. They wouldn’t tell her and I wasn’t going to either. We don’t trust her yet since we became friends recently. We felt bad for her as she didn’t have any friends at first till we gave her a chance. So far she hasn’t shown any disloyalty, but we’re still her only friends.

“Oh I’m sure you passed Rumbi, be optimistic.” The girl chimed in again, settling her flabby arms on the table.

“What?” I asked Anna, curiosity lingering in my voice.

“Your eyes, you look stressed.” She explained.

I touched my eyebrows again and massaged them softly. Hayley was busy staring at my pocket intently. I looked down and realised the knife was poking out. Pressing the Swiss knife back into my pocket, Hayley asked me “How’s home and everything?” She changed the topic.

She knows somethings off. I can see it in her tense posture.

“Its fine I guess. Its just boring.” I said exasperatedly. “So, aren’t we going to go and collect our results?” I asked quietly, to drift Hayley’s attention from me.

“Sure thing, but Anna do you mind going first? We need to talk about something?” Hayley said to Anna calmly.

“Oh sure, I could take your results if you would like?” Anna offered.

“Yes, thanks.” Hayley quickly responded.

Anna picked up her black bag and headed into the school building.

“Okay talk to me. Why do you have a Swiss knife with you?” Hayley wasted no time, her brown eyes peeling into my soul.

I focused on her white hands, how shiny and maintained they were. Her natural long nails resting comfortably on the table. My nails were bitten, down to the very flesh of my nails bed. My hands were rough, dry as sand and now ashy too from the lack of care.

“I failed Hayley.” I avoided the subject of my parents completely.

“No you didn’t, heck even if you did you can get your parents to pay you in the first class next year. Simple.”

That’s not the point. What’s the point if the cycle just repeats?

“Fine I guess I will.” I had instantly regretted saying my previous statement. My desire to drop the topic, had filled grotesquely in my chest and laid heavily on my lungs for release.

Hayley’s hand plucked off my own by my side, and took out the knife, sliding it in her jacket's exterior deep pocket.

“Rumbi, I’m not stupid what’s happening?” It was a hushed whisper, she was now holding onto my elbow, keeping me in place in case if I tried to run away.

“I don’t want to do this anymore.” With that, tears shot down my cheeks, my hands began to shake too as if I had the Parkinson’s disease. I struggled against her grip, the attention of the other students being brought by my weird movements. Their eyes fell on my mine and shame crippled up my body. Hayley noticed this and let go.

I rushed onto my feet and ran, face cast down. Blinking hard, I approached the empty soccer field and heard Hayley catching up to me. She’s faster than me, she always was so I began to slow down begrudgingly. My breathes quick and shallow, I plopped down on the grass of the dry ground. Though I was skinny, I never worked out.

Hayley came beside me, not a sign of tiredness showing on her face.

“I’m not leaving. We’re going to talk about it.” Hayley said, “It started last year right? Your mood swings, grades, silence- all that right? Its not the end of the world if you were to fail this time, Rumbi. Next year is when you have to worry, when you results actually matter. You don’t have to repeat.”

I looked up at my best friend, she was smiling reassuringly. Emotionally, I could handle myself for the first year so I’m not bothered by her getting the time line wrong.

“Demotion isn’t the end of the world and the Rumbi I know wouldn’t be bothered by this.” She zoned on my pulsing arms, “Does it have anything to do with your parents?” She said the last words assertively.

My eyes were staring at the pocket of her jacket, the shiny, piercing promise of death still gleamed colourfully in its own way. I nodded, rubbing my hard hands on my cheeks lightly.

“We don’t have to talk about it now. But you will be alright, I will be here every step of the way.”

“It hurts though, I need to do something about the pain Hayley. Everyday it gets worse and worse.” I wiped my wet tears against my shirt and continued on, “Don’t worry, they aren’t beating me up.” We both chuckled lightly, mine sounding forced.

Hayley hugged me, her long arms stretching onto my shoulders pulling me in beside her. A friend that I will forever be grateful to have made five years ago, when I started high school. The swelling in my eyes from the crying made my eyes feel cold. I dove my mouth into her neck, muffled screams of sorrow now drowning in her soft skin. My mind felt like it was on fire, flames and sparks lighting my already numb, compressed brain.

Hayley continued to hug me tightly and I continued to cry into her now mucus and tear drenched shoulder. Finally I had enough, pushed her away, sniffing once I spoke harshly, “This isn’t working Hayley.”

“Give it time Rumbi.”

“A whole year passed with me trying to deal with this. Time isn’t the issue, Hayley the pain is.” I snapped back.

I don’t need to talk about this more than I have to. Before Hayley commented back, we turned our heads slightly at the sound. Footsteps crunched in the grass, approaching us quickly. I didn’t look around to see who it was, neither did Hayley. We knew who it was. Her footsteps tend to be slow and heavy.

She gave Hayley and I our blue transparent papers silently. I detached myself from Hayley and zoomed on the contents of the paper. I failed. I ranked last in the whole class and I’m getting demoted next year, the beginning of A level.

“You can have extra lessons for the subjects you need next year.” Anna coaxed slowly, noticing my mucus and tears.

“See, I was right Hayley.” I said, my tears fell without shame. I was already spotted, there was no point in hiding it. It was all for nothing too. I didn’t care that Anna heard me say that, it didn’t matter.

I didn’t have any specific career goal, but my parents wanted me to do Sciences. Not going to lie, it makes it way more easier for people who don’t know what they want to do in their lives to choose freely when they do that.

“You came in first place, congrats .” Anna acknowledged Hayley’s achievement, her congratulations sounding as genuine as always. But Hayley stared at her in a light, eerie way. She then hugged me.

Hayley didn’t say anything and moved towards Anna, her tall frame towering over hers. She tore away Anna’s result slip from her hands and scrunched it in her hands.

“What the-“ She said, but stopped when she saw Harley moving closer to her. I froze for a moment, puzzled on why she did what she did and why. I broke from Anna’s embrace, lost in Hayley’s raw, wrong eyes.

She then raised her other hand and slammed it down on the girls left cheek. Anna let out a little shout before Harley dove to cover her mouth, pushing her thick body to the ground. Anna tried to poke Hayley’s eyes, her strength being too overpowering to push off, but Hayley gathered her arms with her other hand just in time. My heart pulsed loudly, to the point where I could feel the rhythm in my ears and dry eyes. The pain and shock of betrayal in Anna’s eyes eased my own a tad bit. I’m lying.

The beating in my chest calmed down, the wild sting in my eyes losing its effect. I took in shallow breathes of relief.

I felt so much worse, but way more better. Worse that I enjoyed Anna’s pain, better that I felt a significant portion of my chronic agony dissipate. I’m so close.

I turned my body, desperate for release I grabbed the knife from Hayley’s pocket, opened it and stabbed Anna between her bosoms. Hayley stilled.

She stared up at me in shock, and dread. She moved off Anna and grabbed me by my collar.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, realising my mistake. Knowing that it was too late. That we were supposed to just bully with her, not to take it that far.

Hayley pushed me back onto my bottom harshly and pulled out her phone, moments later she was talking to the emergency services.