Just Run

They were on to her. Jack was acting weird, and there was no way she would get away with it forever. She turned on her computer and opened his email. He had set it up on her computer over a year ago so she could check it when he was out of town with no service. She felt sure he had forgotten she even had access. She was shaking as she scrolled down each line, stopping at the one to Jane in HR. The subject line was empty. She moved the cursor and double-clicked to open it.

‘You will never believe who has been buying prepaid…’ She didn’t have to finish reading it. She knew what it said and knew she was caught.

So she ran. She grabbed her coat and phone, and just ran. As soon as she left the campus and crossed the street, she stopped, pulled her cigarettes and lighter from her coat pocket. She wasn’t far, just at the spot where they always took their smoke breaks, off the campus which didn’t allow smoking. The wind was cold and she was shaking so violently she could hardly light the cigarette. She needed to think, she couldn’t think. She called Kate and begged her to come out, saying she was having a panic attack. No longer able to stand, she dropped down on the dirty sidewalk, trying to catch her breath, all the while taking puffs off her cigarette. It wasn’t long before Kate came running across the street. “What is going on, Pam? What’s happened?”

Pam tried to stand but her legs wouldn’t hold her, so Kate sat cross-legged in front of her. “Tell me what’s going on, Pam.”

“I’ve messed up. I’m probably going to jail.” It didn’t matter that she could hardly breath, she was still going to smoke that cigarette. The cold concrete felt good to her, thinking for a moment that she would like to lie down with her face on that cold surface.

Kate put her hands on Pam’s shoulders. “It’s okay; just tell me what’s going on.”

Pam finished off that cigarette, pulled another from the box and lit that one with shaky hands.

“I’ve been taking money,” Pam said, unable to look Kate in the eyes.

“What do you mean? You don’t have access to money!”

What did it matter now? She might as well tell Kate the details – she’s caught – they know – she’s going to jail.

“I’ve been purchasing prepaid cards, charging them out to the dispensary for their commission bonuses.” Pam put her face down into her hands, almost singeing her hair with the cigarette.

“Shit!” Kate worked quickly to wrap her brain around what was happening, in total disbelief that Pam would do something like this. It was completely out of character, beyond what she thought her friend capable of.”

“Okay. Stand up – get off this filthy sidewalk.” She helped Pam to her feet. She was practically vibrating with fear.

“Honey, you can’t change anything now. All you can do is own up to it, tell them you did it. I’m sure the paper trail is there so they’ll know, whether you admit it or not. How long has this been going on? How much did you take?”

Pam was shaking her head back and forth, still unable to look Kate in the eyes. “I don’t know, I don’t know!”

“Alright. Doesn’t matter.” Kate pulled her into her arms, trying to slow the jerky motions of her panic attack.

Pam threw the cigarette put down and wrapped herself around Kate, burying her head in her shoulder. Kate was a good five inches taller than Pam.

Pam mumbled something Kate couldn’t understand – she was sobbing, awful sounds coming from deep inside her. It was all Kate could do to hold her up, keep her from falling to the ground as she screamed.

“Honey. Come on. It’s going to be okay.” Kate knew that it was going to be anything but okay, but she also knew she had to help Pam pull herself together enough to go inside to face the music.

“No it’s not! I stole over $5000! I’m going to jail!” Pam cried harder, still clinging to Kate, shaking her head back and forth.

“I doubt that,” Kate said with an air of authority. “The college wouldn’t want the publicity.”

Pam slowly pulled out of Kate’s embrace and, for the first time, looked in her eyes. Pam’s eyes were swollen and red, the fear and regret pulling her whole face down like it was melting. Kate had never seen anyone look so sad, least of all Pam. She was the one who greeted everyone with a smile and took the time to make sure you were smiling too. She built people up, spreading encouragement throughout the clinic at the college. Her laughter was contagious, her jokes never targeting people, never making fun of someone. She was one of the most kind and thoughtful people Kate had ever known, and had gotten very close to her in the six years they worked together. Twice a day they met at the smoking spot, and swapped stories of what each was going through that day. Pam had a way of making you feel better, push away from the negative. This Pam was not the person she thought she knew.

“What am I going to do, Kate?” She was still crying, wiping her eyes and nose on her coat sleeve.

“I don’t know honey but we have to get back in their and face it.” Kate slipped her arm around Pam and pointed her towards the back entrance. They moved very slowly but eased towards the door.

“How do you know they found out?” Kate asked.

“Jack has been weird all day. I suspected something was up so I checked his email. There was an email to Jane in HR.” Pam began to shake again, Kate slipped her arm around Pam’s waist, continuing to pull her towards the door.

“Why did you do it, Pam?”

Pam stopped dead still. Kate pulled her closer, lifted her face up so Kate would look at her. “It doesn’t matter, doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

Everything in Pam was saying to run, JUST RUN! Put she stood there in all her shame and replied, “Pills. Roxies. Was buying them from a guy on my street and now I’ve got a two hundred dollar a day habit.” Kate could hear the shame in her voice.

Kate didn’t have a clue what a Roxy was, but she got the idea. “I wish you had told me. I could have gotten you some help.” Kate hated the fact that she didn’t even suspect anything was wrong. Why hadn’t she seen it? She’s been around addicts before, in fact her mother and her son both had trouble with drugs in the past. Yet Kate had seen none of the obvious signs with Pam.

“Nobody knows. I knew it would end horribly, but I couldn’t stop.” They had reached the door, but Pam was frozen.

Kate took a handkerchief from her coat pocket, lifted Pam’s face again and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Blow your nose,” Kate directed her.

Pam took the cloth, wiped her face again and blew her nose. She folded the handkerchief and put it in her pocket. “I’ll wash it and get it back to you.”

“That’s fine hon. Now let’s go inside.”

Pam was glad her desk was the first inside the building, that she wasn’t forced to pass anyone, hide her swollen eyes and puffy face.

The moment she sat down in her chair, her phone rang. She looked up at Kate with overwhelming fear, stood as if to make another run for it.

Kate put her hand on Pam’s shoulder and eased her back into her chair.

“Answer it.” Pam was in no shape to make decisions for herself, so she cleared her throat and picked up the receiver.

“Clinical Records,” Pam answered with a low, shaky voice.

“Pam can you come to my office?” It was Jack, and he sounded a bit shaky himself.

“Of course,” Pam said, replacing the receiver on its base.

“You are going to survive this! You hear me?” It broke Kate’s heart to see Pam in this kind of shape, with such a vibrant personality, standing before her totally defeated and crumbling. She hated to leave her like this, but there was nothing she could do at this point. Pam had to face this on her own.

“Call me. I’m here for you.” Tears filled Pam’s eyes and there was a moment Kate thought she might collapse. But she took a deep breath and nodded.

Pam walked down the hall that seemed longer that usual, tapped on Jack’s door and entered as he said, “Come in.”

When she opened the door, she immediately saw Jane, the director of Human Resources, sitting to the side of Jack’s desk. Her hands were folded in her lap, legs crossed at the knee, sitting on the edge of her chair. Pam couldn’t believe she was able to notice anything, but time seemed to be in slow motion. Jack was behind his desk, hands on an unopened folder in front of him. No one said anything. Pam sat down, shaking, once again a panic attack on the way.

“Pam,” Jack seemed to be searching for words and an uncomfortable pause fell over the room. He made another start. “Pam, accounting has discovered that prepaid Visa cards have been purchased at Kroger and Office Depot. What can you tell me about this?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Pam couldn’t hold it together to have any sort of conversation, and she kept hearing in her head “Run – just run” but she sat there frozen to the chair, sobbing uncontrollably, repeating over and over, “I’m sorry. So sorry to do this to you. I’m sorry, so sorry.” She couldn’t look either of them in the eye. She was so ashamed. She was shame.

Jack and Jane exchanged a look. They both recognized there was no way Pam could carry on a conversation at this point. When Jack finally spoke, his words were heavy with sadness of his own. “Jane is going with you to your desk to get your things so you can turn in your badge and keys.”

Jane stood at that point. There was nothing else to say, or nothing that could be said by anyone to make the situation better. Run – just run.

Pam stood and turned towards the door, never having looked at anyone in the eye. She couldn’t after all. Shame could not make eye contact.

Jane followed Pam to her desk and said, “Do you need me to drive you home?” Pam only lived two miles from the campus, just on the other side of the square.

“No, I’m fine,” Pam mumbled. Although she appreciated Pam's kindness, she could not accept it. She was shame. Run—just run.

Jane took her badge and keys, asked about the laptop and Pam managed to answer that it belonged to the college. She walked her outside and put an arm around Pam’s shoulder. “I’ll call you tomorrow. We’ll have a final check for you. Call me if you need me. I mean it.”

There was nothing left to be said, nothing left to be done, except maybe run, just run. What was the need at this point? She should be grateful the police weren’t there, that she wasn’t taking a ride to 201 Poplar in the back of a police cruiser. Maybe that is what should have happened; it might have been what she needed to stop the insanity, stop her from stealing to get the next fix.

The next day Jane called and arranged to meet her at Danver’s with her final paycheck. She was very kind, gentle with her words. “What happened, Pam? What did you need the money for?”

“Once again I got addicted to pain killers.” Pam had talked with Jane in the past about her addition to alcohol, how she was able to kick that with the help of God and the state mental hospital. Jane herself had struggled with alcohol, was in and out of recovery.

“I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do?” Pam knew she was sincere, but she also knew there was nothing Jane could do to change the situation.

“I’m just so sorry I hurt Jack like this. Please tell him that. I never meant to put him in this kind of situation.” Pam felt the anxiety rushing back into her body, knowing she had to get out of there before she was a pile of melting flesh on the floor of the restaurant.

“Thank you for being kind, Jane.” With that, she was gone, and she just ran. She had driven her car to Danver’s but she didn’t care, she needed to run. So she did, the seven blocks to downtown, and then back. Sweaty with blisters on her feet, having run in hard-sole loafers, she made it back to her care and drove home.

Within three weeks, before the next month’s rent was due, Pam had cleaned out her duplex, put all of her belongings in storage, loaded her dog in the car and left town. She wasn’t sure where they were going, but shame was driving actions now, and she couldn’t bear to run into anyone she knew in the city. Shame – it’s all about running, hiding.

It would be three months before anyone heard from Pam. She finally stopped running and asked for help. She could no longer stand to hear the words in her head – just run.