A Quiet Sort of Happiness

Crack. That was the sound of my heart breaking. I can feel the fissures forming, the lines running through the middle in jagged formations. I’m happy for them, I really am, but their happiness came at a price. I was the one who paid it.

I can hear the crowd roaring in my ears, but it feels muffled and muted as I stare at the two people on the platform in front of us. Tears start rolling down my cheeks and I can’t stop them. My first thought is to panic, I don’t want people to see me crying right now but then I realize. It doesn’t matter. I am in a crowd of thousands, shadowed by the voices and bodies of others. No one is going to notice a skinny boy with puffy eyes, facing what he had known was going to happen. In fact, I was the reason for the euphoric smiles that were seemingly glued to the faces of the couple on the platform. I had known this was going to happen, I had made it happen and yet, I couldn’t fight the title wave of feelings that came to drown me. I couldn’t stop the anguish and the sorrow that came to take me away, so I let it.

In this situation a hero would push their way out of the crowd in tears only to bump into the person who would then change their life. I was not a hero. I fell to my knees and sobbed. I attracted the attention of those around me, but no one reached out to help me, I was not someone to be helped, that was not my role in this world.

Months have passed and my two best friends keep me close, ever so thankful for my help. The urge to burst into tears is always present when I’m around them but by now I’ve had plenty of practice keeping it all hidden. After all, being friends with the hero is hard and loving the hero’s soulmate is even harder.

For a while I contemplated destroying their relationship, I knew I had the power to do so. They were in a fragile stage right now. They were falling in love, and I was their closest confidant. I was there when they accidently brushed hands, when they bumped into each other at the turn of a hallway and when they stuttered and stumbled around each other’s beauty and strength, falling deeper and deeper. They trusted me when they ran into misunderstandings. When they cried over one another I was the one to offer a hug and a piece of advice. I could ruin them if I wanted to. I could break their connection so completely that they’d never be able to speak again. I could…but I can’t.

The truth was that I loved them. I loved her for her determination and poise, her wit and elegance. I loved him for his courage in the face of danger, that unyielding smile and his uncanny ability to sympathize with even the vilest of criminals. I loved them in two very different ways and the fact was that they were good people. They deserved to be happy, and they deserved a friend who could look at them without feeling that familiar twinge of regret, without needing to quickly turn away in fear of revealing tears spilt in sadness over their blossoming love.

So, I decided to leave. After many tear-filled goodbyes, I set off with no destination and no time frame in mind. This is the point in the story where the supporting character leaves on a journey far away and comes back years later with renewed strength, ready to pledge their fealty to the hero. I just hope I don’t come back an even more broken man than I already am.

They had asked me why I wanted to leave, and I choked up, unable to speak. How was I supposed to tell them that their best friend was unable to stand by their side without feeling like he was going to drown from their overwhelming happiness? Thankfully, when they saw my inability to speak accompanied by tears, they nodded, accepting that I needed this trip. They did not know a single thing about why I was leaving and even though it would greatly affect their lives they just hugged me. Hugged me! They told me that they wanted the best for me and that if this was what I needed then I should have it. Their words only served to make me cry more. They thought I was crying from happiness because they were so understanding. If only they knew how guilty that made me feel…

It wasn’t easy walking away from all I had ever known but after a tough few weeks I found solace in my time apart from the ever present pain. I recognize that running away from your problems is never the answer, but this wasn’t me running away. This was me finally beginning to breath after being suffocated for so long. This was me thinking about me instead of thinking about them.

I found a safe haven at an inn surrounded by nothing but vast bodies of water and lush green. After spending three months there I realized that I had not cried once. So, it came as a bit of a surprise when tears started to fall from my eyes. I had been sitting on the porch of the inn as I saw the two kids of the inn keepers playing around in the grass. Suddenly, the younger one fell and landed on a patch of rocks. I got up, ready to help when I spotted the blood, but the older sibling was already crouched beside his sister. He was whispering soft words of encouragement as he cleaned her wound and that was when I felt an unexpected wetness on my cheeks. I had done that too, once upon a time.

I did not fall asleep until late that night. My confusion kept me up, the same question circling in my head over and over again: why had I cried seeing those two children? I did not find an answer that night but soon I would. Very soon.

The next day I saw them playing again. They were enacting two totally different stories but had somehow brought them together. Such is the imagination of kids, I guess. The little sister was a wild princess on a journey of epic proportions, she filled the sky with laughter. Her older brother was the CEO of a company designed to make time travel possible. Though, he had stopped his act for a few minutes when his sister was too occupied with her own act to pay attention to his. He had stopped walking as he saw a poppy at his feet and he crouched down, taking a closer look at it. With his sister’s loud laughter in the background, he started to smile at the flower, seeming to be in his own world, oblivious to his sister’s noise. In that moment his face was one of utter tranquility. After admiring the flower for a bit longer, he took in a deep breath and looked off into his sister’s direction. That look on his face stayed the same as he walked toward her, ready to resume his act. He looked content. Both siblings looked happy but had achieved that happiness in two totally different ways. Her way was bold and exuberant, almost seeming to outshine everything around her with its eye-catching display. But her brother had managed to create a world of his own in a quiet moment of admiration for the smaller things in life. It was a quiet sort of happiness, and it was beau- it was the answer. That was it!

All my life I had been living in the radiance cast by my two best friends and it blinded me, making me stumble in the dark. I’m in the same position as that brother but instead of creating my own happiness I tried to live in theirs. I didn’t have to be on the pedestal like my best friends to be happy. Standing in that crowd, while my friends look at the people below them, I can gaze at the sky in all its beauty.

The next day I left the inn to return home. When I arrived, I was immediately greeted with one big hug from the two most important people of my life. You would have thought years passed by the number of times they said, ‘I missed you’. They made remarks on how much happier I looked, and I couldn’t help but giggle. They had no idea how right they were. That twinge in my chest? That dreadful mix of regret and sorrow? It was all gone. Well, maybe not all gone. Seeing them together still made me a bit wistful but I don’t mind it, it was a reminder of sorts.

When we made our way out onto the streets, a different friend on each side of me, I was struck by how happy I was. Even though they were beside me they leaned forward a bit so they could see one another. They were trying to discreetly sneak a peek at each other but were failing miserably, causing them to laugh as their cheeks started to flush. It was always noisy with them. Endless cheesy compliments followed by jokes followed by laughter… It used to make my heart ache but now, it was sort of endearing. They were my idiots. I think the pain will always follow me but for once, I welcome it.

So, when my two dearest friends caused commotion after commotion with their sappy love, I stepped a little behind them and I smiled at the faces I’ve known all my life, I smiled at the starry sky above me, and I smiled at the familiar bustle of the city streets I call home. My face now matches the boy’s face from the inn, a face of utter peace as I finally find my own quiet sort of happiness.