10 Days of Innocence

Carla Jackson died of stomach cancer on March 9, 2022. She left behind one daughter, Kiara Jackson. Her homegoing was scheduled for March 15, exactly 10 days before her daughter’s 10^th birthday. 

Carla was a wonderful mother to young Kiara. Despite the family’s limited capital, Carla tried to indulge every whim Kiara’s little heart could imagine. Carla wanted Kiara to believe in herself. The guiding principle of Carla’s parenting philosophy was making sure that Kiara believed that she could do anything. Carla excelled at building Kiara’s self-confidence in her abilities. And that is why young Kiara was standing in her bedroom, trying to conjure her mother from the dead. 

“Hocus Pocus, field and focus, I wish Mommy would come back,” Kiara said, standing in the middle of her room in a black dress, white tights, and black patent leather shoes. Her 4c hair was tightly coiled and gathered in two big afro puffs on either side of her head, tied at the base with white bows. Her ebony skin flushed with anticipation. Kiara knew she said the spell right. She had said it every year for the last four years. She also knew she had it right because she had to have it right. This was too important of a day to get it wrong. She needed the spell to work to bring her mommy back.

Kiara kept saying the spell over and over again, hoping that it was enough. Deep down, in a place she wouldn’t let herself dwell, she knew it wasn’t. She was still missing one critical component, an essential element of her magic powers, her mother’s magic potion. 

Four years earlier, Kiara’s room looked pretty much the same. She had set the scene that would become a regular occurrence every March 15, 10 days before her birthday. However, since that was her first attempt at performing magic, it was less about practicing a tradition than it was about building a foundation.

 “Hocus Pocus, field and focus, I wish for a new hair bow,” Kiara said with both eyes closed so tight her cheeks were painfully stretched, and she was baring her teeth like a wild dog. She was standing in the middle of her bedroom with a black polyester curtain from her mother’s living room draped around her shoulders. Arms stretched up; she also held the kitchen ladle high like a scepter. She stood there in the pose so long that her arm began to shake from the weight. She started making humming noises, trying to keep the intensity of the tightness of her closed eyes. They were closed so tight she saw lights flashing behind her lids. She was on her tippy toes as though she was trying to touch heaven. Suddenly, she slowly lowered her body down on the balls and soles of her feet. Then she lowered the ladle so her elbow was slightly bent backward, the scepter now pointed in front of her. After a few seconds, she slowly opened her left eye to look around.

She had seen enough movies to know that magical things were supposed to happen. She looked at the circle of toys that she had placed around herself. She expected them to fly in the air at the sound of her spell. But they were still in the same position. Elmo stood tall next to Malibu Barbie, who wore a New Year’s Eve style silver dress, sitting on her butt with her arms and legs stretched straight out. Barbie had paired the celebratory dress with bare feet, a high ponytail, and plastic black earrings. Buzz Lightyear, Lightning McQueen, and G.I. Joe rounded out the circle. She opened her right eye and twirled around her room. Nothing looked different. 

She knew she had said the magic spell right. Kiara had practiced for a whole week how she would say it. And she had taken the magic potion her mother had given her. She went to bed pleased with herself that night. Exactly 10 days later, on her birthday, a new set of hair bows were sitting on Kiara’s window seal when she awoke. Her mother claimed not to know where the bows came from, and when Carla ever so gently suggested maybe it was the magic Kiara had performed, Kiara could do nothing but acquiesce. They both agreed that Kiara had magical powers. Her mother told her it was a gift passed down through the generations from Jackson woman to Jackson woman. And that it only works with the magic spell and the magic potion, on the magic day. 

Carla only made the concoction precisely 10 days before Kiara’s birthday, the day it was to be consumed. She said the magic potion needed to be freshly made and drank at peak potency to work its best. So, 10 days before each birthday, Kiara’s mother kicked her out of the family’s small kitchen so she could “brew” the magic potion. Every time young Kiara tried to sneak into the kitchen, the swinging door would creak loudly, giving her away before her head cleared the doorway. Then, a silicon spatula would come down on her hand with a WHACK! Kiara would yelp and jump back from the shock (because there was no actual pain) and then retreat to her room until summoned.

Her mother would bring the magic potion out in a small cup. It was a nice, flavorful blend served ice cold. She would drink it, say her magic spell, and then drift off into sleep with a sense of satisfaction. Exactly ten days later, whatever she’d wished for would be waiting on the window seal. One year she asked for new Barbie clothes. Another year, it was a train set. One year, her mother suggested that maybe she’d put too much spice in the magic potion when Kiara asked for Doc McStuffins but got a Bratz doll instead.

What young Kiara didn’t realize was that after her mother gave her the potion, Carla would go to her room and listen to young Kiara’s spell through the air vent. The apartment was so small that nothing prevented sound from traveling from one room to another. Ten days before Kiara’s birthday, Carla would send young Kiara to play in her room while she made the “magic potion,” a.k.a. four different Kool-Aid packs mixed into a deep purple concoction. It took all of five minutes to make, so Carla would spend the hour it took to chill in the refrigerator scrolling on her phone and waiting to dramatically whack young Kiara’s hand when she attempted to come in and “ruin the magic.” Afterward, Carla would sit in her room taking notes on what young Kiara wanted for her birthday. She began writing it down and not relying on her memory only after confusing the dolls that one year. 

It didn’t matter that the potion was only a sweet treat her mother was letting her enjoy once a year. At present, Kiara didn’t have it and she knew that couldn’t be good. Kiara took that to mean that this year’s spell was extra important. Kiara was convinced that being 10 days from her 10^th birthday meant something extra special. She did not have the vocabulary to express it, but she felt it was divine. And her mother had taught her to believe in herself, so she believed that she could bring her mother back from the dead.

She had tried a similar spell a year ago, and it kinda worked until it didn’t. Her mother was getting noticeably thinner. Carla’s fitted size 16 clothes were now falling off her slighter frame, though she wasn’t eating differently or working out more. That was the first indication that something was wrong. 

Carla shared with Kiara that she had to go to the doctor a few extra times and that she would be taking time off work. What she didn’t say was that she’d been diagnosed with stomach cancer. Kiara didn’t fully understand what was happening, but she knew her mother was sick. So exactly one year ago, ten days before her birthday, she recited the magic spell.

“Hocus Pocus, field and focus, I wish Mommy would feel better.” Carla felt good enough to make the potion that day, so Kiara had it to drink. Kiara went to sleep proud of herself that night. Lo and behold, ten days later, Carla felt good enough to get up on Kiara’s birthday and have dinner with her. Carla let Kiara pick her favorite pizza toppings and had enough delivered for two nights. Carla even let Kiara play at the park across the street while she watched from the wooden bench. 

Little Kiara had no idea that it wasn’t the magic spell, magic potion, or magic day that made her mother feel magically better that day. It was simply the power and determination of a mother’s love. A mother who didn’t want her daughter to know how sick she really was. A mother who didn’t want her imminent demise to ruin her daughter’s birthday, so she mustered all the strength she had to make the magic potion. That night, as Kiara raised her cup and cast her spell, Carla silently wept as she heard her daughter wasting her wish on a cure that even doctors couldn’t imagine. At that moment, Carla wished more than ever that Kiara really could do anything she set her mind to. But unlike Kiara, Carla knew that magic was just an illusion. And so it was, 10 days later, that Carla used all her strength to rally and make a wish happen one more time.

To young Kiara, it seemed like her Mommy did get better, for a little while. She figured the magic must have worn off when her mother started getting sick again. When Carla had to go into the hospital and Kiara’s grandmother came from out of town to stay, Kiara began counting down the days to her birthday. Fifteen days before the big day, Carla passed away, leaving young Kiara alone. 

So, 10 days before her birthday, Kiara grabbed the ladle out of the kitchen. She took the living room window drape down and used it as her cloak. She helped Elmo, Malibu Barbie, G.I. Joe, Lightning McQueen, and Buzz Lightyear to their normal places. She stood extra tall on her tippy toes and held the scepter up as high as she possibly could. She closed her eyes as tight as they would go and groaned out, “Hocus Pocus, field and focus I wish my mommy would come back.” 

“Kiara, let Grandma help you get ready for bed. Take your funeral clothes off,” her grandmother said, walking into the bedroom. Her salt and pepper hair cascaded past her shoulders. “Okay, Granny,” Kiara said, more chipper than a child who just buried their only parent ought to be.

“Kiara, are you sad that your mother died?”

“I’m sad that she is not here right now, but I know she is coming back,” young Kiara said, switching out of her black dress and into a baby blue two-piece long john pajama set. 

“What do you mean, baby?” Her Grandmother tilted her head to the side and furrowed her brows.

“You know Granny,” Kiara said, lowering her voice in a sing-song way, moving her head from side to side. “The magic spell, and the magic potion, on the magic day. You taught it to my Mommy.”

“Oh yeah,” her grandmother said, squinting her eyes, her mouth slightly open. Kiara and her grandmother clasped hands and said their prayers together. 

Kiara returned to their conversation. “This year, I asked for my Mommy to come back, so that means she’ll be back alive on my birthday! Then we’ll be a happy family again.” Her grandmother stood there with her eyes and mouth agape. Kiara gave her grandmother a kiss on the cheek, turned the lamp next to her bed off, and lay in her bed. She was proud of herself for saying the magic spell on the magic day, even if she didn’t have the magic potion. 

Her grandmother turned and walked out of the room, taking extra care to close the door quietly behind her. She went to her daughter’s room, noting how the air remained as thick with despair as it was while Carla spent her last days before she died. As Kiara snuggled into her bed she waited for sleep to bring her one day closer to her Mommy’s return. But, for the first time in her young life, Kiara realized that she could clearly hear sounds coming through the vent from her Mommy’s room. And what she heard that night was her grandmother, quietly crying herself to sleep.