What Can't Be Seen

Discussion of hardship and death.

It wasn’t my life that was being reviewed. It was their idea of me. I never had a say in it. Like a book that you open at a random page, their ideas of me were always lacking a context.

What context could there be to make sense of everything? See that is the problem. I could be anything or anyone and without knowing anything about me, you can’t make sense of my life at all. Like a bare light shining into an empty dark room, the glare is all you see.

Like that time when my sister didn’t share with me those miserable sticky-dark candies that we both thought were mini chocolate buttons. We didn’t know better. Dad was in such a rush. He couldn’t be bothered to ask the candy lady what they were. He went by our pointing fingers only. Once my sister got the two-pound bag, she’d eat three and give me one, repeating this torment as often as needed. It’s not that she liked what she was eating, it was the point of it.

Now you would say that wasn’t fair. First to not get what we wanted and then for my sister to eat more than me. But what are you really saying? Is life fair? Once my screaming got my mother’s attention, Dad took me to get an ice cream cone. My sister had to come along and watch me eat it. How fair is that?

Then you turn to another random page in that book. The crossing of the Donnybrook after school. Yeah, that log over the brook. Get your feet wet or use the log with the boys and their branches. They didn’t care if their feet were wet just so that they could have a good spot to blotch you! They’d say they would only hit you half hard! Hugh wasn’t one of those boys though. I mean you would take the licking so that everyone would know you’re still ticking. The more you took, the better you looked. But Hugh, his ideas were different. He wouldn’t hit my school bag or my legs. He would go for the head! Or really my arms because it’s sheer instinct to always protect your head with your arms. Mom would ask why my arms were bloody. I wouldn’t tell her. But Hugh knew.

Now you would say I should not have taken the shortcut through the woods. I should have stayed on the road and walked the extra mile. Sure. And looking back on it, it seems stupid to take a beating for nothing. But was it really for nothing?

Then I swear, I’ll only bore you with one more story, one more page from my book. That job. My first one. Did you know that there is always an “in” crowd everywhere you go, even at work? That high school clique had a future working for a moving company. Thank goodness it was only for the summer! We would pile precious family heirlooms ten feet high in the storage warehouse. The boss was never around, insurance must have been cheap! These monstrous piles of things that were so carefully stacked by us became target practice for the in-crowd wrecking crew! They would take small items and try to knock down a kitchen chair or a carefully placed very light box that was on top because it couldn’t bear any weight. Then when it came crashing down, we had to put it back up. Didn’t matter if it was broken! And we didn’t dare complain. The boss’s son was the leader.

But I see I am boring you. So, let’s make this very plain. Life is not fair, and it never will be. The cutest, most adorable baby animals all over the world...no, I am asking you! I dare not say it! They say it is the old and infirm animals that become meat for carnivores. But please, open your eyes! Just the Eastern Cottontail alone can have several litters a year of the cutest little kits. And they all live happily ever after? Imagine their fate!

“Excuse me, Mr. Marx. Your family is here to see you.”

“I don’t want to see them.”

The nurse sighs. She’s adjusting my IV, like I care what she does. She starts fussing and I have the wherewithal to know it is not for a medical reason.

I am what I am. I am how life made me. There. Finally, a context.

#

Rewind. Start. Can something make a difference? I think I’m on track. Let’s see.

I don’t get it when people say that people are good, naturally good. What are they talking about? Do you become a mathematician by sitting around causing trouble or playing video games? Do you build bridges by partying or yakking it up with friends? Ah, I bet you could be an Olympic swimmer by turtling around in a wading pool!

And of course, becoming a good person, you can do it on your own! You could be an engineer without any professors. Or a mathematician without problems to solve. Or an Olympic swimmer without a trainer! Got you. Goodness must be easy.

And anything we can't see has no interest in our lives? It lives in your hip pocket! It can be anything you want it to be! So convenient.

But I’m too harsh. Too angry. Remember all those baby animals? Wouldn’t you be angry too?

#

So, it was time for me to go. A failure to live. Example “A” of what not to be. Kick the bucket. Have the biscuit. Leave this mortal coil. Hang up the towel. And of course, they threw a party! Invited all my friends! Does Crazy have friends?

Hmm. Not sure. Heirs maybe.

And they are so interested in everything. Planned it so carefully. The best blowout party of my life! I’m the cannonball in the cannon! Fun like never before. This circus is right where you find the petting zoo with all the baby animals!

But I have a surprise for them! A different context. Not one you get from this life. The one you get from the next. Something invisible has something planned.

A priest bearing holy oil and a ritual enters my room and kicks everyone else right back out!