Deja Vu

Written By: Shreeya Srivathsan

Context: Selena Rose, 37, is dating John Henderson, 40. She had previous husband, Derrick Jackson, and had two daughter. Jackie (14) and Mary (5). However, they all tragically died, which is what lead Selena to dating John to escape her past and led to her guilt. How did her past family die? It is not clearly stated in the story, but there are some clues that give it away, and it give itself away in the end. Do you think you can figure out how they died before the end? 

A cold, shady rain hit the lands of Colorado Springs. Through my hospital window, I saw the distant view of the city outside. I saw children play in the rain, splashing in the puddles. I saw them riding bikes and refusing to put on their rain jackets. Each drop of rain created a new tear for me. It reminded me of Derrick, and our little family. Our past little family. 

But now at least I was married again, it was done, right? That was my past. I don’t need to feel bad, do I?

“I miss you, Derrick” I whispered, a tear dropping down my face. “Please… come back.”

“Selena, honey?” I heard a small voice from behind… Derrick’s voice. I jumped up and turned around, only to see no one behind me. Lightning struck as the tears on my face just poured harder.

“Mom?”

“Mommy?”

My sweet little girls! My face lit back up, my tears partially stopping, as I delightfully turned back around. But my heart stopped as it slowly dawned on me: once again, it wasn’t true. My sweet little girls were gone. My husband was gone. Everyone was gone. My face turned pale as I threw my face into my pillow, ignoring every sound I heard for the rest of the night. And soon after, I fell asleep, a guilt pinging in my heart. 

I felt myself wake up and found myself in a new house. My old house. The one that Derrick and I used to live in with our two daughters. My mind spun across a million miles. This can’t be real. No, no, no. I was about to cry tears of joy when I saw something strange. I saw… myself? Exactly. I saw myself and my best friend Danielle sitting on the kitchen counter. The younger version of me looked mad, very mad. 

“I told him!” Younger me screamed “That jerk!” 

“It’s OK” Danielle patted younger me on the back. 

“No it’s not!” I snapped “He can’t call me that!”

“I know, maybe he called you a selfish demon and a bunch of other rude names, but just got mad. Can’t you two just make up?”

“Danielle Mitchell, are you crazy?!” younger me screamed at the top of my lungs “He threatened me! He yelled at me and told me that he’d divorce me if he doesn’t get to spend time with the kids!”

“Selena” Danielle said, calmly “I get that your upset that he was rude and incompetent. But when was the last time you let him spend time with the kids?”

“OK, stop trying to turn this on me!” I snapped “He threatened me! He’s the bad apple here, Danielle! Don’t you get it?”

“You’re mad, and I understand” Danielle said “He shouldn’t done all those things to you. But you weren’t all victim either.”

Younger me glared into her soul, a glare that even gave me the chills

“Look, you can’t restrict your husband from spending time with his children. And I get that he works a lot and isn’t home much, but when he is home, isn’t it fair to give him time with his kids?”

“I do give him time!” I yelled out 

“Do you?” Danielle asked “Every time he asks for some time or tries to talk with the kids, you push him away. Just like last night.”

“No I don’t!”

Danielle just sighed and put down her drink “Selena, you and Derrick have had a wonderful marriage before this. Can’t you just put this behind you?”

“Danielle, you just won’t get it” younger me sighed softly, and I took the keys “I need to take Jackie to her appointment and Derrick to the dentist”

“No!” Danielle cried out, latching on to younger me’s arm “Selena, please, don’t drive in this state. You’re mad. Just calm down..”

“No! We’re running late! I need to go!”

“Selena…”

“Let me go, Danielle! I’ll be fine! What am I gonna do, get into a car crash?”

As I felt a ping in my chest, I slowly faded off. The next time I heard something, it wasn’t Danielle or younger me. It was…

“Selena Rose? Mrs. Rose” A stern, yet inviting voice sweetly called her name. I kept my ground, refusing to reply, still wondering about that dream. 

“Mrs. Rose? It’s Nurse Hadley”

“Oh, good morning” I replied hastily, now slowly getting up, my abdomen all sore.

“Your boyfriend is here to see you” The nurse smiled “Would you like them to come in?” 

Once again, the guilt stung me like a bee sting. My heart pained and beat louder. 

“OK” I said quietly, and the oblivious nurse went to get my family. 

The bright lights of the hospital room blinded my view. Everything mushed together into a message almost: Tell him, stop hiding it. You know what that dream was about.

Guilty, listen to the dream rung in my ears. 

“Selena?”

“Ah!” I shrieked, getting up immediately. I heard someone run up to me, and I felt a hand on my shoulder. I saw John as I turned around, a worried expression on his face. 

“Selena? Selena, are you OK? Selena!” 

“Quit pestering me!” I said, laughing, forgetting about my dream “I’m fine, I just zoned out!” 

“Alright, good” John said, smiling “How does your abdomen feel?”

“Fine I guess, it’s a bit sore” I replied

“How was the surgery? Did it hurt?” John asked

“Well, no, duh, I was under anesthesia” 

“Right” John recalled “Right”

The bright lights had stopped blinding my view, and I could see John clearly now. He was wearing a checkerboard button-up collar t-shirts with dark blue jeans. His brown hair was messy and partially parted to the left side, and his green eyes were filled with worry. I could see a bald spot on his head, but I never told him. He probably already knew by now, anyway. 

“Why were you hallucinating?” he asked, snapping he out of my daze

“What?” 

“I mean, what happened? What were you thinking about?”

I gulped “Oh, nothing, I just zoned out”

“No” John said “No, I won’t accept it. Selena, you’ve been ‘zoning’ out a lot. I’m worried about you. Just tell me”

“No!” I said, a bit sterner now “No, I’m not comfortable”

“You’re hiding something from me, aren’t you?” he snapped

My face felt hot, a guilt bucket poured over me. I could hear the snickering

“No, I’m not! Don’t you trust me?”

“Honestly, right now I don’t” John replied “Selena, your face is getting red. Your embarrassed, guilty, scared. You’re hiding something.” 

“I’m not, you can’t accuse me!”

‘Yes, I can! Selena, don’t hide it. It makes me feel worse. If you did something tell me.”

I was torn by that. Most of me yelled Tell him! Tell him! If you’re gonna marry him, you need to cut clean, right? A smaller part of me, however, was maybe not as innocent. Don’t do it! Stay strong, Selena, some things you’re allowed to hide, right? If you tell him, he’ll leave you. He doesn’t want to be near someone caused the death of their family. Do you want that? Do you want him to leave?

“So what have you decided on” John said, looking at me eagerly “Will you tell me?”

“I-” I wanted to tell him. I’ve longed to tell him for so long. But that small part of me made chicken out, and I replied with a very strong “Nothing is wrong!”

John just sighed and took his keys. Before he went out the door, he said “Selena, you need to tell me by tomorrow. I’m not letting this one slide” 

I couldn’t even speak as I saw John walk out. 

Later that evening, I felt a slight tap on my door. I didn’t want to see or talk to anybody after my argument with John, but I reluctantly turned around to see Danielle sand by the door. 

“Selena, hi!” Danielle smiled as she walked into the hospital room. She set down some flowers on the table, acting as if this was her decorating room. 

“Danielle…” I said, giving off a fake smile that could fool most people. But Danielle could tell. She sighed and sat down in the chair next to me

“What happened?” Danielle asked, however I couldn’t comprehend whether her tone was caring or annoyed.

“John came over earlier today’ I whispered “And… before he came over, I’d zoned out” 

“Yes, and…?”

“He accused me of hiding something from him, something big”

Danielle looked down “Are you hiding something from him?” 

I gulped “The truth? I haven’t told him about Derrick yet…”

Danielle jumped out of her seat “What?! Selena, he deserves to know!”

I felt an anger snap back at me, the same anger I’d felt while arguing with John. The same anger I felt while arguing with Derrick. 

“Some things are just personal!” I snapped “Won’t you support me?”

“You make it hard to do that!” Danielle replied “Why haven’t you told him yet?”

“Danielle, look, I’ve just reinvented myself” I said, quieter “I don’t want to scare him off. That’s my past. He doesn’t need to know”

“And you’re feeling guilty” Danielle finished my thought “About what happened with Derrick, so you’re trying to move on with John.”

I nodded “Sums it up”

“Selena, I get it” Danielle started “You feel guilty, and you don’t want that guilt to ruin your relationship. But it’s difficult to outrun your past. Sometimes, the best way to get something off your chest is to confess”

“He’ll hate me!” I snapped

“He might be a bit mad” Danielle calmly replied “But he’s John. He’ll understand”

“No” A darkness fell over me as I said that “No, he won’t. Because I messed up. Danielle, I messed up so bad, it cost them their lives”

Danielle said nothing to that. Instead, a tight silence filled the room.

“You’re not gonna say anything to that?” I asked quietly

“What is there to say? You covered it” Danielle said, chuckling a bit. 

“So what should I do?”

“To be honest, you have two options” Danielle said, looking straight into my eyes “You can either live in a lie, try and forget you ever had a past family, and work on reinventing yourself. And if he finds out, bravely face the consequences. Or you can cut clean, let him decide what to do, and accept any result”

I kept quiet

Danielle stood up “John will be coming in 5 minutes to pick you up. Please, choose wisely”

Danielle left, leaving me with two options. 

The awkward silence from the hospital remained in the car ride home. I was driving, because John couldn’t drive.

“So” John said, breaking the silence “Given any thought on what you were hiding?”

I gulped as I turned down the radio. I sighed and took a breath. 

“John, there is something I’ve been hiding….” I said “It happened a couple of months ago, and it has scared me forever” 

“What are you hiding?”

“I’ve told you I’ve never been married or dated before, right? Well, that was a lie” I said, tears in my ears “I’ve been married for 15 years before I met you a couple of months ago. I even had two daughters. But they all…died because of me. Me and my husband had gotten into an argument right before I had to drive him and my daughters to some places. I… I was really mad at him, OK? And…”

“What did you do?” John asked. I heard the pain in his voice. 

“I was yelling at him in the car, and we had an amazing relationship before this” I cleared up, but my own eyes were watering and I was also basically sobbing “And I… and I…”

I couldn’t bring myself to admit it. 

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” John roared into my ear. 

I turned around and yelled “I SPED UP THE CAR ON PURPOSE AND KILLED HIM”

The car went silent

“I got mad” I said quieter, the tears streaming down my face as I came to terms with it “I did something stupid. I wasn’t thinking. I wanted to show that I had power too, and I ended up…. killing them. All of them. My daughters, my husband….”

John got quiet, and I started sobbing. I couldn’t see the road, but I didn’t care. I put my head down on the steering wheel and watched my feet on the car pedals. 

“Selena” John said, finally after it felt like an endless eternity of silence. “Stop this car, and let me out. I can’t be with someone who killed someone else so foolishly.”

“No, John, please….” I said, my head still let down.

“Selena Veranda Rose, let me out of this car!”

I felt my blood boil, and not because he said my full name. Because he couldn’t me a second chance. I had changed! I had learned from my actions. 

Don’t do it, don’t do it

I slowly pressed the accel pedal a little harder. 

“Selena, let me out!” 

Just a bit harder…

“Selena, can you hear me? Selena! Are you deaf? SELENA!” 

Harder…

“Selena, please…”

I started to reconsider my actions… what was I thinking? I was a changed person. I will not let my anger get through me again! No!

BOOM! CRASH! 

Guess my reconsideration was a little too late…

My head slammed back on the seat as I saw the damage of my actions. John had flown out the window, since he hadn’t thought to put his seat belt on. I had no idea where he was, but I knew, nobody would have survived that big of a crash. 

That’s when…

BOOM! 

Another car crashed straight into mine.

My head banged back into the steering wheel and I felt my head spin. Blood greased all across my face. I was about to pass about, maybe even die. I wasn’t sure at this point. 

Everything came back to me. I could almost hear people’s voices in my head as my head spun. 

De ja vu I heard a fake Danielle say in my head. 

That dream. I suddenly realized as it hit me: It was a warning. A warning to this. Trying to warn me to keep my emotions together. But I didn’t listen. I never listened. And despite telling everyone that I changed, I never did. I killed my loved ones because I couldn’t handle myself twice now. And this, this is my karma 

Would I get a second chance? I wasn’t sure. But all those questions came to a tight, relentless dead end as I slowly gave up. I passed out, not knowing what was coming next. 

THE END