A Playground Confession

Click! Click! Click! The sound of the roundabout vibrates loudly in their ears. Jack’s foot drags nonchalantly along the rubber matting as he holds on tightly to Sarah’s clammy hand. Lying as still as can be, afraid to move incase their world’s fall apart, Jack and Sarah stare straight ahead into the the night sky, stars spinning before their eyes. Perturbed. Shocked. Will they ever be the same again?

Jack and Sarah have been raised my their mothers sister, Suzanne, since Jack was just days old. Although there is fourteen years between them, they have always been exceedingly close. Sarah is fiercely protective of her brother and would do absolutely anything for him, at anytime. After joining Suzanne, Sarah went somewhat off the rails. Drink, drugs, partying. She was a confused and vulnerable fourteen year old. But no matter how badly she behaved, she never stopped doting on her Jack, just as her Auntie Suzanne never stopped doting on her. With Suzanne’s love and support Sarah turned her life around, attended college in her twenties and now at 32 is an administration assistant in a prestigious law firm.

Earlier, screeching loudly, Sarah tumbles out of Skippers door as music blares loudly from within. Jack falls out clumsily, tripping over his own feet as his big sister catches him in her arms. Always there, that’s his Sarah. Always there to catch him when he is ready to fall. Holding on to one another they laugh gleefully, a real belly laugh, with tears streaming down their cheeks. “Did you see their faces?”, Jack shrieked. “They seriously believed that you are Bon Jovi’s daughter”. They double over again as peels of laughter fill the air. As Sarah stumbles off the pavement Jack catches her arm and pulls her close to him. “I got you Candy Jovi” he snorts. Sarah ruffles his messy blond hair and looks into his big, bright, blue eyes. “Look at you, kid brother. You’re all grown up”, she hiccups, slurring her words slightly. “I can’t believe you are 18 already and about to head off into the big bad world”. Tears fill her eyes. “Hey sis’, no tears. I’m only going to America for a year. I’ll be back annoying you before you know it. And anyway, you need to start living your own life and stop worrying about me”. He puts a supportive arm around her and they stagger quietly along the pavement.  

A few moments later they pass Jack’s old primary school. Jack breaks the silence with an excited tone, “Look! It’s my old school and look at the new playground. Come on, let’s go! Please?”. He grabs her by the hand and drags her into the school’s new play area. Looking around they see an obstacle course, tall standing stones reaching to the sky, a slide, swings and a roundabout. It is a far cry from the dilapidated equipment that was there is Jack’s day. Gravitating towards the standing stones, they see they are climbing walls and quickly scramble to the top. Each on their own stone, like a pedestal in the sky, they face each other sharing childhood memories. The mutual adoration is evident for anyone to see and it is hard to believe there is fourteen years between them. A comfortable silence descends, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Staring at the stars Jack gives an anxious cough before gingerly turning to face Sarah. “Sarah”, he almost whispers. “Can you tell me a little more about our real parents? I’m eighteen now and I think I’m ready to find out more”. Sarah squirms uncomfortably, shifting her legs beneath her. “Let’s get down from hear”, she retorts, “find somewhere a little comfier to chat. Carefully, they make their way back down, the ground below and sky above spinning slightly making the climb a little perilous. Jack makes it safely to the bottom, but just as Sarah is about to reach steadier ground she misses her footing and tumbles ungraciously onto the bark below and rolls over and over like a child tumbling down a hill. Laughing again, she gets to her feet, gives her brother a gentle shove and races him to the swings.

Leaning back and kicking with there legs they swing higher and higher, singing ‘Living on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi. “After all, you are his daughter”, Jack pointed out before breaking into a huge grin. Sarah suddenly stops singing and her swing slowly comes to a halt. “They were complicated people”, she began, without mentioning their names. “They were very religious. Jehovah Witness. That made them very difficult to live with. There was so much that I wasn’t allowed to do. I wasn’t allowed friends outside the order, or to join any clubs or society. I wasn’t allowed to compete in any sports or join the school netball team. I wasn’t allowed to try out for the cheerleading squad, join the girl scouts or even stand for class president”. Sarah stopped for breath but Jack could tell she wasn’t finished. “We couldn’t celebrate Christmas, I wasn’t even allowed to sing Christmas songs. I couldn’t play music in my room incase I danced and I was forbidden to get my ears pierced”. Jack took her hand and squeezed it gently, knowing that now was a time to listen and not to interject. “Do you know, that if I was seriously ill and needed a blood transfusion my parents would have refused it and let me die! I mean what kind of Christian attitude is that?”. She paused again and looked at Jack who was shellshocked and taken aback by these revelations of the parents of which he has no memory of. “So what did you do? You know, for fun”, ha asked quietly. “Fun! Fun!”, she barked. “There was no fun. There was bible studies, prayers and chores, oh, and don’t forget - spreading the word. I had to go door to door with my mother and grandmother spreading the word, it was awful. Embarrassing, Shameful”. She was speaking quieter now. “It definitely wasn’t the life for me”. “How did you cope?”, Jack asks, a little nervously. ‘Honestly”, she replies, “I rebelled! Big Time!”.

Abruptly, Jack stopped his swing and studied his sister closely. He had never seen (or heard) this side of her before. She was always very reserved when it came to talking of their past and he certainly hadn’t heard any of this before. The alcohol had obviously lowered her inhibitions, enabling her to open up and share her experiences. “I behaved appallingly”, she continued. “I started drinking at thirteen, climbing out of my bedroom window and partied to all hours. I had various different boyfriends, most of them undesirable and many of them much older than me. I started failing at school and was suspended for smoking in the toilets. My parents were enraged, vehement. They spouted religion at me quoting hell and damnation and in the end they disowned me and sent me away”. She stops suddenly, realising she has said too much. Her face reddens. “Jack looks up and meets her eye. “Where did they send you, Sarah?, he asks cautiously, “Away, they just sent me away. They didn’t care where just as long as I wasn’t with them. The consequences of my behaviour were too much for them to bare”. She looks tired now, the effects of the alcohol quickly wearing off. “They called social services and then washed their hands of me”. She stands up abruptly and claps her hands. “Come on, let’s go on the round about. I want some fun! Enough dwelling on the past!”. She grabs his hand and drags him reluctantly onto the roundabout.

With Jack standing in the centre Sarah pushes the roundabout, faster and faster, until she finally jumps on, leans back on the bar and lets the wind blow violently through her hair. She closes her eyes as a tear escapes, unnoticed, from the corner. Jack feels there is more to her story but doesn’t press her, she will tell him in her own time. “Then what happened, happened and we came to live with Auntie Suzanne and we all turned out all right, didn’t we”, she said sounding a little more chipper. “We sure did”, said Jack sliding down to sitting position, leaning against the centre post, wondering what actually ‘happened’. “I’m so proud of you sis’. I had know idea you had such an awful childhood but look at you now, a top admin assistant in the ever so posh “L.M Lawyers’. You are a real Inspiration to me. I really couldn’t have asked for a better big sister”. She looks at him quizzically as if she is sizing up an idea or questioning whether to continue with her story. “Why did they send me away too?”, he asks, although he’s not sure he wants to know the answer. Sarah smiles at him as if she hasn’t heard him and swiftly, she changes the subject. 

 “I’ve met someone”, she says out of the blue. “And I really like him. In fact, he’s an old friend from when I still lived in Australia. He was one of the good ones”. She has a glazed look in her eyes and Jack can tell that this is serious. “He used social media to trace me and got in touch and now he’s here, in Scotland, and we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months”. Jack is shocked, a little hurt, Sarah never keeps secrets from him. “How come you never said anything to me, or Auntie Suzanne” he asks a little put out. “Because I wanted to be sure”, she replies. “Because I think he is special, the one”. “Woah”, exclaims Jack. “That is big! And serious! I am so pleased for you. When do I get to meet him?”. Sarah looks at her brother as her heart swells with pride. He has grown into such a lovely, sensible and mature young man. “I can definitely arrange that if you think you would like it”. “Like it! My sister has just told me she is in love and that he might be the one and she wants to know if I would like to meet him? I need vet the man who has stolen my sisters heart. Of course I want to meet him.” She smiles warmly at him and lies down on her back, staring up at the stars.  

He shuffles himself down so he is lying beside her, turns on his side to look at her. His beautiful, strong, supportive big sister. He may never have met his birth parents but he had always had Sarah. “Do you have any photographs I can look at”, Jack asks excitedly. Sarah suddenly becomes very quiet. Jack gives the round about a push and lies back down. “What’s wrong? Is he really ugly or something”, Jack teases. “Go on show me! Show me, show me, show me!”, Jack taunts. Sarah squirms awkwardly and pulls out her phone, Jack grabs the phone and his face fills with puzzlement. Looking back at him is a man with a mop of messy blond hair and big, bright, blue eyes… just like his own. “Jack”’ Sarah says cautiously as she looks deep into her son’s eyes, “This is your father!”.