An Unforgivable Sin

I didn’t plan for this to happen. It’s not something I would believe myself capable of but — I’ve done the unforgivable. The evidence is there on my bed, her shape covered by the blankets. There’s a woman in the mirror I don’t recognize. It’s my face, hair, body, even eyes…but they’re different somehow.

It started when I was released from jail where I did 364 days for possession because my mother left her drugs in my car. I probably should’ve hired a better lawyer, but that’s another story.

When I walked out of jail, I was starving. The food — if you can call it that — in jail is dismal at best, and there was nothing to feed my soul. I spent the first two weeks out in the downtown area around my apartment, visiting the steakhouse, the Italian place half a block away, the Thai place across the street from there, and the taco truck that only showed up Friday and Saturday evenings on the main drag.

Of course, despite all those places being in the same general area of downtown, the real draw for all of them are the crowds. I love crowds of people, and the energetic buzz that runs through the crowd of partygoers stopping for a quick bite before heading back into one the half-dozen nightclubs and bars in the area.

After those first two weeks and gaining back the few pounds I’d lost in jail, I felt more normal. It was time to get back into the groove of my life. I began to look for a job to keep me busy. I didn’t need the income, just something to occupy my time.

I was under the impression that a misdemeanor was not the dealbreaker a felony record was, but it mattered more than I expected. I eventually found a position as a temp and was sent out to a real estate office to help with digitizing old records.

After most of a week there, they invited me out for happy hour with the office. They took me to a quiet little out-of-the-way bar that I never would’ve chosen on my own. That’s where I met her. A tiny woman with honey-brown skin, deep brown hair with a propensity to frizz, large, dark eyes, and the sweetest shy smile.

Once the rest of the office had left the bar, I sat next to her and bought a round. She was lonely, I was alone, we went back to my place. That’s all it was meant to be. One night, a few hours of companionship.

As she was leaving, she said, “I don’t usually do this, but life is too short to miss a good moment.”

“Isn’t it bad that life is short?” I asked.

“No,” Myra answered with a wink. “That’s what makes every moment precious.”

Over the next week, I couldn’t get her and what she said out of my mind. I didn’t even know her name, and she didn’t know mine. There hadn’t been a need for that, then. I had finished up at the real estate office and spent the week in the mail room of a corporate office downtown.

When Friday rolled around, I found myself heading back to the quiet little bar. Not a single lie I told myself about why I went there stuck. The idea that she might be there pulled me like a moth to flame, and no amount of rationalization would change that.

She was in the same spot at the bar, wearing a shimmery, blue dress. I suddenly felt underdressed, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me.

This time when I sat next to her and she gave me that sweet smile, I said, “Hi. My name’s Andariel…Andi for short.”

“Hi, Andi,” she said, then giggled. “I’m Myra. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

I gave her a kiss, much to the consternation of the bartender and several of the patrons. Feeling the mood around me, I did my best to gather myself.

“My place?” she asked.

We couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Her place was close. A studio apartment just a couple blocks away. Cozy, cute, and homey, her place fit her perfectly.

We spent no more than a few minutes apart over the weekend, starting at her place and ending at mine. We talked about everything and nothing. Monday morning, I woke up two hours early so I could accompany her back to her place spend every spare second with her before she had to go to work.

From the moment she stepped on the bus that would take her to the financial district, my heart felt empty. A longing I’d never known made it hard to think straight. If ever there was a moment I could’ve avoided committing my greatest sin, that was it.

The thought crossed my mind then, Run away while I still can. Go to another city, another state, even another country. Leave her behind before I do something unforgivable.

I called out sick from work and made it as far as packing my bags, before the ache in my heart stopped me. With the drawers and closet empty, I cleaned the apartment then unpacked. I finished just in time to rush to meet Myra at the bus stop.

Her warm smile when she stepped off the bus and saw me sealed our fate. It was too late. There would never be another chance to avoid my sin. I had already committed it in my heart.

The next two months went by in a whirlwind. I got a permanent position at the temp agency, handing out work assignments. Myra moved in with me, saving us both money and reducing her commute to a simple walk.

Since that first time, I haven’t gone out anywhere without Myra. Where I used to get my fill of interactions from the crowds both in and around the clubs and bars, that need was being met by Myra, even when we were doing nothing more than reading in the same room.

It was one of those evenings, a Thursday, that my mother visited. She knocked and let herself in without waiting for a response and stood in the middle of the living room in a fighting stance.

“Andariel!” she shouted at me, “Just what do you think you’re doing?”

“Hello, mother. Please, come in.” I turned to Myra. “Myra, this is my mother, Lilith. Mom, this is Myra.”

“Does that plaything know what you are?” Lilith asked.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Myra asked, standing up. “I’ll have you know that your daughter is—”

“Sit down, child.” Lilith stared her down, and Myra did something I’d never seen before. She withstood that glare.

“Either speak kindly or leave our home,” Myra said. “Your daughter already did time for your drugs. You apparently don’t care about her at all.”

Lilith looked at me. “When did you last take a lover other than Myra? There’s a couple of sweet things waiting for you at the hotel.”

“No.” I shook my head. “Not happening.”

“I can see it’s too late,” Lilith said. Her voice and stance softened. “Myra, since Andariel hasn’t told you yet, she is, like me, a succubus.”

“If she was a slut before, then good for her!” Myra got right into my mother’s face. “She hasn’t slept around since we’ve been together, even without either of us saying anything about it.”

Lilith smiled. “I didn’t say we’re sluts, I said succubus. We need sexual energy as much as we need food.”

“Mother,” I said, “please stop.”

“No, the mortal needs to understand. Sit down!” Lilith used her powers of compulsion to make Myra sit. “If my daughter doesn’t feed her soul, she’ll die.”

“Is that true?” Myra asked. “You’ll die if you don’t take other lovers?”

“Not like that,” I said. “I’ll become mortal. I’ll lose my powers over time. I’ll age, and we can grow old together.”

Tears filled Myra’s eyes. “I don’t want you to die just for me. Do what you need to survive.”

“You don’t understand,” I said, “I won’t.”

“This is no way for one of my daughters to behave,” Lilith said. “I never thought it would be you, but after a thousand years, here it is.”

Myra broke through Lilith’s compulsion enough to shake free and stand up. “What is here?”

“You are a strong one. Yes, I think you did it,” Lilith said.

“Did what?” Myra asked.

I heaved a sigh. “She means you made me commit an unforgivable sin.”

“Unforgivable sin?” Myra asked.

“My daughter has fallen in love. She will die but I and my other daughters will carry on.” Lilith sighed. “I’ll miss her, though.”

“Andi, go to the hotel. Tend to your needs. We’ll work through it.” Myra was frantic. “Please. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re not going to lose me,” I said. “For the first time in over a thousand years, I know love. One lifetime with you is worth more than all of that and all the other thousands I could have. You said it, because life is short, it’s precious.”

Lilith turned to go. “Goodbye, Andariel. You were one of my favorite daughters. We will hold your wake in fifty years, but you will never see me again.”

The years since then have gone by in a blur. I looked at Myra’s sleeping profile under the blankets, then turned back to the mirror to straighten my greying hair. She was still worth it.