Hope

I wake up in the middle of a dark, heavy fog, the air around me dank and musty. I’m laying on the cold floor, my body aching terribly. I try to get up, but a heavy weight around my chest keeps me down. I try with all my might to stand up, but the most I can do is get on my knees. I look around, but all I can see is fog and darkness.

God, why am I still here? I cry out to Him in my mind. Please, where are you? When will this freaking nightmare end?!

I hear a low growl from behind me and immediately know who it is.

“Leave!” I yell at it angrily. “I’d already told you to leave!”

The black wolf jiggles. “I’m sorry, but that’s not possible! You’re still breathing, and it’s my pleasure to make all the rest of your life a living hell.”

I hear it coming closer, its footsteps making the floor shake and giving me chills. Finally, the steps stop right behind me and I feel its cold paw touching my shoulder. Out of nowhere, I begin weeping. I try to stop, but that just causes loud sobs to rack through my body. After a while, the thing lifts its hand from my elbow and I slowly stop crying.

“Stop it,” I beg as tears keep rolling down my cheeks. “Please…”

The wolf walks around me, stands right in front of me, and grabs my face with its weirdly humanly-shaped paws to force me to look at it. The wolf has a nightmarish face and red, blood-thirsty eyes that pierce through the soul, ready to eat its prey.

“Please…”

The wolf shakes its head as it wipes my tears. Then it reaches with its paw under its thick fur and takes out a sharp dagger, and proceeds to bury deep in my chest. The pain is excruciating, but for some reason I can’t let out even a simple cry. Instead, I feel numb.

“This is your fault,” the thing tells me, its eyes turning bright red. “No one can hear you!”

The wolf finally buries the dagger deep enough that it disappears and no longer is there. Only the pain remains. The wolf finally retreats, leaving me behind, and I’m finally able to cry out in pain. I cry until I drift off and wake up later. This time, I wake up in my room, the bright daylight shining directly on my eyes.

“Ugh! Another miserable day to live! What time is it?” I mutter lazily as I pick up my phone and see the time. “Shit! I’m late to work!”

I put my phone down and get my bedsheets off me, but as I’m going to get up, I see the wolf staring back at me.

"What do you want?"

“Call in sick,” the wolf tells me. “You’re too much of a failure to even work with them. They’ll be better off without you.”

"I need to work. My family needs me."

"For what? To suffer because of your pain? You know this is all in your head, right?" The wolf starts laughing hysterically. "Just snap out of this nonsense, my dear. You really can't be depressed. You seem so normal, but you're simply... weak!"

“Leave me alone!” I roar. The wolf keeps insulting me, so I begin screaming as loud as I can until I no longer hear it talking.

I look around, agitated and my head throbbing. The wolf is gone. I get off my bed and sit at the foot of it. I feel more tears coming down my face and gasp for air. I then hear the phone go off, so I drag myself to the bedside table and grab my phone. It’s the office calling in. I sniff, take a deep breath, clear my throat and answer.

“Hello?”

“Good morning, Ms. Walker. This is Ms. Smith, the secretary. I see you haven’t shown up to work yet. Everything in order?”

I want to tell her everything that’s happened, but a clump in my throat prevents me from saying it.

“Yeah, everything is good,” I say in a tone as convincing as I can. “I… um, got stuck in some horrible traffic jam.”

“Ok. Will you be here soon? The CEO needs to talk to you urgently.”

I panic as I remember the important meeting I had with him. If I don’t go, my whole career could be at stake. I won't be able to sustain a single-parent family without a job.

“How could you be so stupid to forget it!” the wolf yells as it reappears in front of me. “See, you’re just a useless piece of shit!”

“Oh, you just shut up!” I roar.

“Ma’am?”

I cover my mouth immediately. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t saying that to you. I-I was telling it to my dog. Yeah… he was barking.”

I hear only silence and worry that she might not believe me. “Alright. So, when will you be here?”

“Um, I mean, the accident that caused the jam is bad, so… I think 11:30?”

I can hear the CEO’s voice in the background. He sounds frustrated. He then tells the secretary to pass him the phone and leave, and I hear a door opening and closing.

“Ms. Walker,” the CEO’s deep voice says through the phone.

“Yes, Mr. McCarthy?”

He sighs. “Look, I know you’re a very talented person who is overqualified for this office job… but just because you are that talented it doesn’t mean you can lag behind in your work.”

“Sir, I can explain. I’ve been feeling horrible and-”

“Do not interrupt me,” he orders coldly. “You’ve recently been sleeping in the workplace, cutting down your productivity, and have missed several days without a formal excuse. I’m sorry to tell you this, but because of your recent behavior, the Board and I have decided to fire you. You have until tomorrow to come clean up your office. Do you understand, Ms. Walker?”

I feel myself going numb and disconnecting from the world. “Yes, I do Mr. McCarthy.”

“Alright.” He hung up the phone.

I throw the phone as hard as I can and sit on the floor by my bedside. My head starts spinning out of control with racing thoughts.

Why are you such a failure? Can't you do anything right? Now what are you going to do? Cry? That won't pay the bills?

“See?” the wolf says proudly. “I told you.”

“God will provide,” I mutter to console myself.

“Oh, don’t be silly!”

I want it to shut up, but my energy is so low that even talking is a huge task. Instead, I walk to the kitchen and prepare some coffee in a sad attempt to get my energy up. The wolf keeps insulting me, getting my spirits and hopes low.

I finally snap. “Why do you do this to me?”

The wolf breaks out laughing as hard as it can. “Oh… You’re simply one of the lucky ones who get to be with me for the rest of their lives!”

I start losing my composure. “You’ve been tormenting me for years now. I tried to ignore you, but you can’t seem to be ignored. I wanted to enjoy life with my children, but you had to come and make this a living hell! My faith is faltering. All my joy, gone! You make me go numb! You’ve made me feel lonely, hopeless, and guilty for feeling like this-”

“Because you really don’t have it as bad as others, you know?” the wolf interrupts. “Really, you have a life many wish they could have!”

I yell in frustration. “You’ve made me miserable, yet I have to keep pretending I’m alright to keep this family together! My children, they’re too young to understand it, and I don’t want to burden them with this." I stop for a moment and scream at the top of my lungs. "Others really don’t seem to understand what’s the damage you’ve done within me! I don’t know how much longer I can go on with this!”

“Ok, and so what? Why do you keep going, huh? You know you could end this in a heartbeat.”

He's right. Maybe I should end this. It's better if I do.

I shake my head to ward off the intrusive thought. “Because God will help me.”

The wolf laughs. “Are you sure? You’ve been praying for months on end, yet here I stand, and here I will stay. Where is that God of yours that you talk so much about, eh?”

“I want you out!” I order.

The wolf chuckles and says, "not yet, my dear!" before lunging at me and "entering" into my body. I can feel my mind start to spiral out of control and wander into very, very dark places. My inner world turns from numbness to distres to sadness and finally to anger. I try, but I can't stop it. In my despair, I reach out for my blade and start cutting; legs, arms, wherever I can easily cover with long clothes. As the pain travels through my body, my mind begins to clear. The familiar rush of dopamine rushes through my veins, bringing me back to my senses.

I hear my phone ringing, so I walk to my room to retrieve my phone. It is ringing with my mom’s call tone. I pick it up and answer.

“Hello?”

“Oh, hey there, sweetie! The children said you didn’t wake up early today like you always do. Everything good?”

“Oh, yes mom! Everything’s just fine.” I pause as I think of an excuse. “I may have just stayed up until very late finishing my duties… yeah, that was it… but right now I’m ready to go to work, so, you know, I have to hang up. Love you!”

“Okay, if you need me, just know I’m one call away. And remember our family dinner tonight. Love you!”

I hang up and put the phone down as the familiar weight of anxiety settles within me. I put on a hoodie and long pants and sit on the couch, pondering about my situation, not crying or saying a word. Hours must have passed, because the next thing I remember is the doorbell ringing.

The children, I tell myself.

I rush to hide my blade, fix my hair, and open the door to see my two little boys.

"Mommy!" they cry out in unison.

Their sweet, innocent smiles when they see me lifts off some of those horrible feelings away and for a moment, just a brief moment, I’m able to feel the warmth of joy. I get them and myself ready for our family dinner at my mom's house. I turn on the car and we hop in for a half-hour drive. Once there, my mom receives us with a warm smile.

"Oh, who do we have here?" she says as she hugs the boys. "C'mon here! Say 'hi' to granny!"

She tells the two boys to go ahead and eat something and then turns to me.

"Hello, sweetie!" She opens her arms and embraces me in a tight hug.

"Hi, mom..." I pull my sleeves down so she can't see my cuts. "It's nice to see you."

She must have realized something is wrong because the next thing she does is look at me with that look of deep concern only a caring mother can give. A look that looks deep into the soul to search for your deepest, darkest secrets.

Shit! She knows!

"Go on ahead, sweetie. Get some food with the boys."

I pull away from he anxiously and head inside. I feel like I'm about to throw up, but still grab some food and pretend to eat it slowly to not make my mom feel bad. Soon the rest of the family arrives and we all sit down to have a good dinner. The children go outside to play while we the adults start a long conversation, one that is very draining for me.

"Why keep pretending?" the wolf tells me. "Just finish this! You won't have to pretend anymore!"

I can't do that! I tell the wolf in my head. What about the kids?

"Just leave them to your mom. Either way, they'll want to stay here tonight to spend the weekend with their cousins."

Yeah... you're right. Maybe-

"Angie! Hey, Angie, everything's good?" my aunt's voice cuts in, interrupting my down spiral. "We've been calling your name for quite a while." Everyone in the table has a concerned look.

"Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just a bit tired, that's all." I give my biggest smile and crack a joke to lighten the mood. Nobody laughs, but they pretend they liked the joke.

"Do you really want to keep suffering?" the wolf asks me.

Of course I don't, you stupid!

"Then follow my instructions. Get out of there. Just make a vague excuse and leave."

What you say is tempting, but I need to keep my faith in Him. I can't.

"As you say!"

"So, how's been your job going?" my aunt asks me. "You like your position?"

"Yeah... yeah, I do. It's going... great!" I smile once again.

My aunt has that same concerned look my mom had earlier.

Crap!

She didn't really bombard me with a lot of questions, but in my anxiety, it felt like so. And the coupe of wine glasses I'd drank didn't help that much either. I finally snapped at her and everyone else in the table who tried to calm me down.

"You know what, everyone of you just shut up!" I roared. "No, nothing's good. I was just fired from my job today, and life just keeps getting harder and harder. And I have to be here, pretending that everything's fine while literally crumbling on the inside to try and keep my family afloat!"

"Oh, sweetie..."

"Shut up, mom! I'm gone. I'm done with this. I'm ending it right now!"

I take off from the dinner with nothing else but my car keys. I hop on the car and dart away from there. My mind races, but out of all the mess, I hear it.

"So you decided to follow me, huh? Oh, well, you know where to go. You''ve always known, after all..."

I drive to the big bridge over the river near my mom's house. Clean, easy way to finish it. Not much of a mess will be left. I get off my car and walk to the edge of it right in the middle. A couple hundred feet of drop, enough to do the job. Now I stand there at the edge, the wind rocking me.

“Well, do it!”

If this isn't meant to be, then give me a signal, God!

I look down at the river; my heart feels like it's about to explode and my senses are blurred.

“C'mon, end it. I’ll be waiting here.”

I take a deep breath as I let my body relax and lean forward a little bit. “I failed you, God,” I mutter out through my sobs.

I feel my legs give out and my body leaning into the void, but just as I am about to fall, someone comes from behind me, pulls me away from the edge, and embraces me into a warm, reassuring hug.

“No!” the my mom's reassuring voice tells me. “Not today. There’s so much more you need to live for. God’s not done with you yet!”

I turn around to face her and she embraces me into another hug as I cry my heart out.

“I can’t keep going!” I tell her. “The pain is too much!”

“I understand your pain must be horrible, and I may never be able to comprehend it fully; but if there's still a bit of hope within you, please let this be the signal that you must keep going. I love you, sweetie!"

Thank you, Lord! Thanks for sending in an angel!

I hug her tighter and keep crying. Through my tears and sobs, I see the dark wolf staring back at me with the same dark eyes.

"You know I'll be back! You can't hide from me for too long, my dear."

Alright. Come back if you want, but next time, I'll have hope. You won't take me down easily.