Today's Judgement

“Why do you always do this?! You just sit here all day on the couch and watch TV all day long! Get a job!” “ Hey! Get aside! You’re blocking my view!” “ Oh! Am I? Sorry for that, my king. Get up off your ass and stop smoking! For god’s sake!” I am peering from inside my room through the inches of the door that is opened. Dad finally gets up and walks towards mom. He dominates her as he is much taller than her, but she doesn’t even flinch. My dad yells,” What did you say?! If you won’t move yourself, then I’ll move you!” His hand goes back and comes as fast as it can to touch mom’s face-- BAM! 

My mind comes back to the present, just as his hand comes in touch with my mom’s face, the sound of a gavel hitting the judge’s desk is ringing in my ear. That was the first-ever fight between mom and dad, at least in front of me. The courtroom comes into focus as I try to scatter the clouds in front of my eyes. I see the dark-brown colored walls of the courtroom encompassing me, but the thing that catches my attention is the judge mouthing the words, “The court is in order!” I can’t apprehend her words as I am too overwhelmed by my own thoughts. I’m at the center of this court, literally and metaphorically,--and I’m terrified. My eyes are wandering everywhere and examining everything. The middle-aged woman sitting at the judge’s desk, the two people writing everything everyone says, my mom, sitting on my right, six feet away, and my dad sitting on my left at the same distance. Both unable to look at each other, but looking at me with loving eyes, and confidence. They both believe and are sure of the fact that I’m going to go with them. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to choose. They are both my parents. They are both me. I’m just twelve years old. And it’s not like each of them can get a child. They don’t have anyone else other than me. I have no one else besides them, and now, I’m losing them. 

The judge says something again, and this time, I can hear her. “Miss Dana and Mr. Xavier, your divorce can only be approved if your child’s custody issues have been sorted impartially. Now, Mr. George Woods, you are twelve years old and hence, underage. You need to choose between your mom and dad, with whom you would like to live permanently until you’re eighteen years old and can support yourself. The other parent has to support you nonetheless and can visit on weekends, as decided by them.”

I stopped hearing her voice at ‘You need to choose between your mom and dad.’ My eyes are filled with tears, my throat croaky like something is stuck in it, and my skin sweating profusely. If I could see myself in the mirror right now, I would most probably not recognize myself. I look here and there and turn around to look at the people sitting in the back. I can see a girl, maybe eight or nine, sleeping in her dad’s lap, her mom’s hand caressing her head. I could see myself in her, not anymore. I can’t hold back my tears anymore. They pour out of my eyes like a waterfall, like I’ve been keeping them in for two years. I--I think that is what I’ve been doing. I turn my head back around towards the judge, and in the process, see my mom’s face. She’s anxious and concerned and regretful. To balance it out, I look at my dad too. He’s also worried and on the brink of tears. Seeing the state I’m in, the judge sympathetically says, “I know it’s difficult to do such a thing at such a young age. But you’re brave. I know you can do it. You just have to follow your heart, George.”

I don’t know why they started fighting. I guess it could be because of dad’s smoking and him not having any job, or mom’s alcohol addiction that started last year. I’m not sure. They’ve tried to keep me away from all their fighting, but they can be pretty loud and I always hear them, curled up by the bed in my room, trying to play with Mr. Twinkle. I don’t want to choose between them, but I know what I have to do. To lead a better life for me. I need to follow my heart. I slightly look up at the judge and think about how to say it. I cautiously stand up, head down, and stutter, “I--I know what I--what I want.” The judge deeply nods and watches me with kind eyes. So, I say my next words with a little confidence and don’t stammer this time. “I don’t know how to say this. I love both of my parents. I don’t want to choose. But if I have to do that, if I need to do that, then I will choose. Sorry mom and dad, but I choose me.” I look at both of their faces and see the faces of two startled and puzzled people. I revert my eyes back to the front and see the judge making bewildered expressions. I clarify, “I meant I choose to be with neither of them. I want to be with another family, one that doesn’t fight and doesn’t drink or smoke and loves me. One that can give me a future. I know that my mom and dad are both going to therapists and are in rehab, but I don’t think I will have a good future if I stay with either of them. It’s like you said, I need to follow my heart. That is what my heart wants.” I’m now standing assuredly, but a little piece of my heart just broke. This IS what I want, but it still hurts to leave the two people who gave me birth, loved me and cared for me. I don’t look at their faces again because I know what I’ll find. Sadness and distress, maybe even anger. My dad’s a pretty angry person. I just look straight ahead into the judge’s eyes. Her face is unreadable, but she nods and then smiles. “If that is what you want, then that is what you’ll get. That too is a decision you can make.”, she says to me with a smile and is pleased that I’m choosing my own future. My parents stand up to protest, but she holds up her hand and motions for them to stop. She says to me, “George, I like you. Would you like to see how my family lives, and possibly consider us as your family? Because I would love to have you. And you would have a brother and a sister too!” I look at her, frozen, eyes wide, but my heart knowing what to say. “Yes.”