Trapped

       That rat bastard lied again.

           The papers she had been cleaning up from the floor, where they had spilled from her boyfriend’s work bag, parted to reveal the backside of a court document. Maddie had come into their shared home office moments earlier to find his bag hanging from its hook on the wall, unzipped and spewing its content onto the floor. She had begun cleaning them up only to find this.

           The hurt of hundreds of lies over the last two years swirled through her mind fanning the insecurities and mistrust that laid dormant. Hundreds of lies born from his ultimate lie two years earlier. I have a child. It happened when we were on a break.

           And now they were headed back to court for the second time since his dreadful, one night stand had come into their life. Wreaking havoc as miserable as the child’s mother was on the inside. Maddie took a deep breath and flipped the document over scanning its contents.

           Princess cut.

           Cushioned setting.

           0.8 cts.

           Platinum.

           What the hell was this? She scanned the top of document noting the name of the jewelry store and her hands began shaking.

Holy shit. This couldn’t be what she thought it was. No, no. She just needed to calm down. It could be any piece of jewelry. She hadn’t seen the words engagement or ring. Maybe he had just bought her something really nice? A piece of jewelry to celebrate their first ever vacation together. A vacation to the Bahamas they were taking next week...the perfect place for a surprise engagement. Shit.

           Maddie rocked back on her heels, looking at the papers scattered on the ground. What did she do? Did she leave them there or did she put them back in the bag and zip it up, nice and neat?

           She began gathering the papers and then second guessed herself. Maybe this was a test? Maybe he purposefully left these here to see if she would…do what exactly? Maddie clenched her hands not knowing what to do and, so instead, decided to do nothing. If she hadn’t walked in here to grab a pen out of the desk drawer, she wouldn’t have seen his bag in disarray, and this is exactly how he would have found it.

           Maddie carefully replaced the papers, exactly as they had been just in case it was some sort of fucked up test and pushed to her feet. She grabbed the pen out of the top drawer and walked back to her crossword puzzle on the couch.

           Just pretend you didn’t see anything. No surprises are ruined. Really, it’s fine. You’re fine. So, what…every little girl dreams of the day they are going to be proposed to and you just ruined your own. It’s fine. There’s no going back now and maybe it is some random piece of jewelry. This is fine. You. Are. Fine.

           She shook her head, trying to dislodge the thoughts and started drawing the sign of the cross with the pad of her index finger, seven times, over the back of her hand. The compulsory action helping to sooth the acute anxiety. She tried turning to her crossword puzzle, reading and rereading the first clue. The anxiety building and tightening in her chest.

           “You’re fine, Maddie. Stop,” she urged herself.  

The sound of the front door closing sent a bolt of dread through her stomach. Her heart kicked up and she wanted desperately to escape the situation but knew she couldn't. She hadn’t done anything wrong. Yes, she looked at the paper and she shouldn’t have but she had thought it was a court summons. She thought he was keeping things from her again.

           “Hey,” David said from the doorway of the living room.

           “Hey,” she breathed. “Catch anything?”

           He shook his head. “Nothing was biting, and I ran out of beer.”

           She nodded, returning to her crossword puzzle as he turned from the doorway. Her heart thundered in her chest; palms sweaty, as he turned for their office.

           Moments later he was back in the doorway. “Did you go through my bag?”

           Deny. “What?” she asked, her voice wavering.

           “My work bag,” he bit out. “It’s open and the papers are everywhere.”

           Maddie knew she should deny it, but the guilt weighed too heavy. “No. I mean, I didn’t go through the…” She blew out a sigh. “I went in there to get a pen and your bag was open and the papers were everywhere, so I started cleaning them up and then I saw…I saw something I thought was a court document and I thought you were keeping something from me.”

           “You are unbelievable.” A muscle ticked in stubbled jawline.

           Maddie’s eyes flicked over his blue-eyed gaze. Thank God his eyes weren’t hazy. Not too many beers then. “I swear to you, David. I didn’t do anything on purpose. I’ve never gone through your things. I was trying to clean them up and then I left them there because I thought maybe you did it on purpose…” She shoved off the couch, following him into the kitchen as he turned and walked away.

           “I should have known you would go through my things,” he said, grabbing another beer out of the fridge.

           “I swear to you, I never have,” she pleaded. “I just saw that paper and the insecurities came back. I thought you were hiding something from me and then I read it. But I swear, I only read a little. I didn’t read the whole thing.” Tears burned the back of her eyes. She hadn’t meant to be deceitful; she just couldn’t stand the sourness in her stomach when she thought he was lying to her again. The sharp coldness that settled through her at the pain of the mistrust that still lay between them.

           “Insecurities? Fucking seriously, Maddie? It’s been two years. Get over it.”

           “It’s not something you just get over, David. I forgave you, I know, but it’s still there in the back of my mind. I’m still scared I’m not good enough.”

           “For fuck’s sake, here we go again,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Alright, let’s hear it. Let’s hear the sob story about how I cheated on you, and you don’t feel good enough. Let’s start the David attack.”

           “David, please. I didn’t mean to do anything.”

           “But you do, Maddie,” he said turning on her and taking a step toward her. She took a step back from him. “You love drama and are the one who opens yourself up to this bullshit.”

           Maddie swallowed against the bitterness of his comment. At what she knew was gaslighting. This was what David did. Unable to feel shame, he projected onto her. He twisted her words and relished in double standards. The more she tried to explain herself, the more he twisted the argument. And worst of all, her anxiety and lack of worth ate it up.

She took a deep breath, not wanting to engage with him. The guilt at having looked at that damn paper still a heavy weight in her chest. “I’m sorry, David. I swear I didn’t purposefully go through your things. I wish the bag would have been zipped and this never would have happened.”

“Sure, Maddie,” he said taking a swig of his beer and turning away.

Blinking back tears, she walked out of the kitchen and settled back onto the couch. She picked up the crossword puzzle, the newspaper shaking in her hands.

She had no idea why she had stayed to begin with. Yes, he had the one-night stand when they were supposedly on a break in the beginning of their relationship. Something they disagreed on, but Maddie had tired of arguing over. Regardless of when it happened, he had kept the fact that he knew his daughter’s mother was pregnant from her for nine months. Kept it a damn secret until the day the woman showed up on their doorstep with a newborn in tow. Yes, he didn’t actually think the child was his but…She blew out another sigh, tired of the half-truths and constantly feeling the need to rationalize his actions to herself.

She didn’t leave because she couldn’t handle change. They had just moved in together a month prior to her learning of his daughter's existence, and she was too lazy to look for another place. She hadn’t wanted to admit to failure and had found it easier to choose the evil she knew over the evil she didn’t.

She blinked back another surge of tears, focusing on her breathing. Her attention catching on the bin of Trisha’s toys at the end of the couch. The little girl who had stolen Maddie’s heart over the last two years. They – well David – had visitation every other weekend and Wednesday nights. Visits that Maddie had come to count down the days to.

At first, the visits were difficult, awkward. A harsh reminder that she hadn’t been good enough for even one night. But now, she loved the little girl like her own. She had come to cherish the moments where they played make believe. The nights where Trisha snuggled against her as she read her a bedtime story. The child’s soft, golden curls smelling of the green apple shampoo she loved.

She ran her hands down her face. Things between her and David weren’t perfect. They had tried couple’s counseling after Trisha’s birth and it had helped for a time, but their communication had fallen back into its prior dysfunctional patterns. Her friends didn’t understand why she tried so hard at a relationship that was barely a year old at the time. Hell, she didn’t even know half the time.

David was solid. He had a good job and was smart with his money. He drank – sometimes to excess – but he didn’t dabble in anything harder. They didn’t argue that often, though when they did it could get intense. Their arguments always left her feeling worthless…but she loved him.

“Maddie?” David called from the kitchen, slicing through her thoughts.

“Yeah?” she answered walking into the kitchen. Maddie stopped at the sight of David on one knee. Holy shit.

“Maddie,” he said, swallowing thickly. “I planned to do this next week but at least you saved me from trying to hide a ring through airport security.” One side of his lip pulled up into that lopsided grin she had once found so sexy, but all Maddie could do was stare at him. “I love you, Maddie. Will you marry me?”

Maddie blinked. Once then twice, focusing on David’s expectant gaze.

“I…I can’t…”

Trisha’s chubby cheeked smile flashed through her mind.

I can’t say no.

“Wait.” She cleared her throat. “I can’t wait. Yes. Of course, I’ll marry you.”