Borrowed time

It was forever and ever he had heard

It was forever and ever she had said. 

He smiled as he walked towards the car with a paper bag in his hands. 

He could still remember how she looked that night. He could still see her in the red leather dress, the one with the off the shoulder sleeves. It had been so hard to take it off. He smirked. She had gone with no makeup at all, as a protest. He had forced her to go. 

She would never forgive him.

Even then she looked as angelic as always, with her clear skin and her cute little eyes. He had gifted her a new perfume that night. She had worn it of course. She always had a rose scent but that night she wore the lavender so graciously. He was not surprised. She looked gracious in everything she put on. 

She had ordered burgers and fries. Of course. He had taken her to one of the classiest restaurants in the city, she could order anything that she wanted on that 4-paged detailed menu and she went with burger and fries. He had sat at the other end of the table just staring at her as she rearranged the burger, as she always did. She removed the lettuce that she so openly hated and replaced them with the fries, not all the fries of course, she needed some to dip into her Greek yogurt. She was as weird as they come, he knew that, but he loved her anyways. 

She had eventually lost the anger she had towards him for dragging her away from her reading at that time of the night. Only after he had continuously stared at her and repeatedly said he was sorry, but as long as she forgave him, he did not seem to care. 

"I love you so much", that had gone through her lips like silk or melted butter. He couldn't decide. No matter how many times he heard it, hearing those words from her would always feel like the sun coming to him personally and laying a kiss on his cheeks.

"Forever and ever?", he asked. He knew the answer well but still.

"Forever and ever and ever", she replied. He loved that she always emphasized the last ever. It made him smile.

He loved seeing her happy and seeing the dimples on her cheeks deepen as her lips curved into a smile. He loved being able to pull her hair back and watch her lips curl sheepishly in embarrassment. He loved everything about her. She was perfect. He loved her.

He realized he had been sitting, staring out the windshield for a bit. He had to get back quickly, there was literally no time to waste. He started the car just as he noticed a few drops of rain on his window and just as he pulled out of the driveway, the rain descended with fierce aggression. 

The tap taps of the rain made for great background music to the thoughts of anxiety he was having. He was sitting in between the bookshelves of his mind and even there he wasn't at peace.

"Don't worry too much dear", he remembered her saying as he felt himself get launched back to the past in the time machine of his mind. 

"This was meant to happen, we saw this coming", she had said

We saw this coming

Had he really? Had he not seen this coming or was he just hoping for a miracle?

Did he not know this day would come?

Had he not had sleepless nights after they had left the hospital the day the doctor first broke the news?

"Your wife has been diagnosed with stage 2 lung cancer. She would need to go in immediately for surgery, then chemo..."

His brain had turned his ears off at that point to listen to itself. His thoughts had traveled far and wide. He remembered that she had not looked as sad. She had been the one cheering him up through that. Constantly reminding him that there was hope, she just needed to do the surgeries to remove the cancer tissues. He had believed that. She had done the surgeries. She had gotten better.

Only for a while. Then the cancer had returned and spread even faster than before. The doctors had tried everything but it was out of their hands now. Every time he looked at her and remembered that she was living on borrowed time it brought him to tears. 

There she was now, on her deathbed, after 10 years of being together, still being the encouraging one. Just like she always is. 

He looked ahead and saw the bright lights of the hospital. The lights he absolutely dreaded to see. He drove into the crowded parking lot and looked for a place to park. He found a spot and had to reverse at an angle to get in properly. He remembered how long it took him to teach her that skill and smiled. The smile was immediately drowned out with the thought of pulling out of the parking lot without her in the passenger's seat. 

He bowed his head on the steering wheel, his heartbeat steadily increasing as he felt his hair brush his hands. He could feel his heart pounding on his chest as it looked for a way out. Out of his body and out of this situation. He looked up and picked up the paper bag on the passengers seat. He got out of the car and started walking towards the building. As fast as someone who knew he did not have time and simultaneously, slowly, like he did not want to get to what was about to happen. 

He walked into the elevator and pressed on the number 4 button immediately,thankful he was the only one in. He got to her floor and walked out just as moderately as he had walked to the hospital. 

His strides shortened as he walked up to her room door. He paused at the door and took a deep breath. He opened the door and walked in.

....................................................................................................................................

I sat up and quickly cleaned my tears as I heard the door open. 

"There you are!", I said as I forced a smile. He looked down. I had to be strong for him. I had to be strong till the end. 

"Did you bring my burger and fries?", I asked as he came up to my bed. 

He returned the smile as he lifted up a brown paper bag and placed it on my laps.

"Do you want me to arrange it for you?"

He had the calmest voice. One of the many reasons I had fallen in love with him. 

"Yes please", I replied with a smile. 

I watched as he removed the lettuce and replaced it with fries like I always did.

The doctors had said I could have one last meal before I was put off life support. I immediately knew it had to be my signature meal, burger and fries. 

He handed the arranged burger to me and I took a bite out of it. 

It had no taste. The sense was gone of course.

I gave him the rest to eat. He said he wasn't hungry but I wasn't hearing that.

I stuffed the burger in his face and made him eat it. I messed up his clothes with mustard. We laughed. A few minutes later the doctor came in to remove the life support.

We had an hour.

"I'm sorry I couldn't give you any children and that", I started

He cut me off immediately of course.

"Don't apologize for anything, my love. The years I spent with you were the best years of my life, I don't care about any of that. None of it was your fault", his voice was shaky. 

He continued speaking. All words I couldn't hear. I was focused on the tears that were now congregating in his eyes. I watched as one escaped to his cheeks and seemed to lead the way for others as more and more followed. I reached out to his face and cleaned the tears. I placed my tiny index finger on his lips and gestured him ho come closer.

.....................................................................................................................................

We kissed.

It felt like the last ray of a setting sun.

"I will always love you, forever and ever", I said

"I will love you forever and ever and ever", she replied with a smile

I touched her lips and put her hands in mine.

I could see her fading, I could feel the warmth in her hands escaping.

I had promised to protect her by all means, but here I was, unable to pull her away from the clutching arms of death.

I sat, powerless as her smile faded and I watched her eyes slowly close.

I heard her take her last breath and I knew it was over.

I laid my head on her as the tears rolled out.

There went the light in my life

At least she was free of pain now.