Separation: A letter to "The Love of my Life"

From the very beginning, when things got difficult, I felt it was always me having to take on the full weight of the problem. Without any room for error lest things get even worse. If I messed up, said the wrong thing, took the wrong approach, I felt as if it was my fault. But I also conditioned us to be that way, I never wanted you to deal with issues, mine or otherwise. So I just took it all upon myself not knowing that I couldn't handle it. And my pride wouldn't let me tell you that I couldn't handle it. 

But there were problems that go deeper than we were both willing to acknowledge. I'd also like to believe we were going to spend the rest of our lives together but this breakup has shown me that simply wasn't possible.

My feelings were never of any immediate concern to you, yes, you did show you cared in the past, and that did mean a lot at the time. but it was never to the extent that I showed up for you. What we both brought into this relationship was bigger than ourselves, and I thought by taking it all on my own that I could relieve you of your burden but I neglected myself for years thinking that you'd notice I also needed the same care. 

Then things came to an abrupt end from my perspective. It was sudden and it was immediate. I did think things were getting better when we began to really address the problems, but they weren't. I felt like you were drifting away for a long time and and I now realize that it had been going on longer than I thought, leaving us both holding onto the idea of a relationship that was no longer there. 

As I'm here trying to pick up the pieces of what I once was. I'm still reeling back from the way you were able to say such hurtful things me and my character. While petty, and short sighted, you know better than to think that I would ever want to hurt you in or out of our relationship.

A lot of these words you've heard before already because I've said them to you in our exchanges since our breakup. These were all things I've been trying to say to you in hopes that something would resonate, but nothing has.  And since nothing has, I feel forced to conclude that you are never going to take accountability for your actions but always blame me for yours. That's why I'm so hurt. That's what makes me want to try to elicit any kind of discussion. That's why I've acted out the way I did, that's why we've been going back and forth as long as we have. Because I just want you to acknowledge something, anything, but I realize I'm not getting that from you, and continuing to try is a pointless endeavor. I can't force you to see what I see, just like you can't force me to see what you see.

For years I didn't think a life without your validation was possible, I gave so much of myself to you in order to fill this desire to be needed by you, because I could never tell myself I was enough. I always needed to hear it from you. But being needed by you has cost me dearly, and I kept at it for far too long. And before I knew it, I stopped hearing that you needed me, most of everything I did for you became an expectation and I felt so empty when I would do something for you that was unacknowledged, or devalued because I messed up in some way. I began growing resentment because of it and then I started hurting you in ways you said you couldn't forgive. But because you were everything to me I couldn't let you go, because if I did then that would have meant that I failed. And I couldn't have failed, you needed to be the one to leave me and that's how it was always going to be. Because I could have never left you. Not because I'm trying to say I'm better than you in that regard, but because I wasn't strong enough or secure enough to tell you the truth. I wasn't strong enough to tell you that I wasn't feeling fulfilled by this relationship for a long time.

I see now that these problems go back all the way to the very beginning. And I don't say this to insult either of us, I think we both fell for each other very hard and both genuinely felt like we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I don't think either of us wanted to look at these problematic behaviors as potential issues. I think we both convinced ourselves that if we ignored each other's problems that our love for each other would prevail and carry us through. But the problems kept piling on like you said, and eventually it got to be too much for either of us to bare, and you simply didn't want to let the weight of everything crush you first. So you did the difficult thing and left me without warning, which I couldn't understand at the time.

I don't blame you for doing what you did, I don't think we could have had a life together with what we know about each other now.

I don't know what's driving these feelings you have, or what led you to feeling as if our relationship needed to end. I realize that either way, this is the decision you've made and I respect it. You've shown me that what I feel about the breakup isn't so much about you, but rather me and how I couldn't be enough for myself. And I've begun to put in the work to overcome these feelings. I hope one day you too take from what you taught me and resolve your own feelings so that you can look forward instead of backward.

In the end we can't be together. Even if there was some sort of magical way to fix all of our problems. The way I've hurt you is unforgivable, and I'm just now realizing that the way you've hurt me is also unforgivable. And as much as I'd like to tell myself that we can be on amicable terms now, we can't. I need to separate myself from you entirely because being in your life is only going to keep hurting me. I don't have the heart to cut you out entirely, fact is. There's always going to be a part of me that loves you unconditionally. But for my well-being I can no longer allow that part of me to control me. Please do not seek me out. I promise I'll do the same with you.

I'm going to keep everything you returned to me, and everything you gave to me, the letters you wrote me in the beginning of our relationship, our physical pictures, our little trinkets because they mean something new to me now. They're mementos from a good friend who I helped out of a really bad spot who now has the chance to give herself everything she's ever wanted out of life.

Maybe this isn't goodbye forever, Life is short and maybe once enough time passes and we've both been able to mature into our new lives. We can come back together and catch up, but until then, I think it best that we not talk to each other for a while.

If you only take away one thing from this conversation, let it be this, what I felt for you during our relationship was very real to me and it's those feelings that I will choose to remember when I think of you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and you've taught me so much about myself that I couldn't have ever learned without you. You've helped me rebuild relationships that I otherwise could not have done without you, and despite the fact that this is by far the most difficult thing I've ever gone through, who I've become today as a result could've only happened because of you. 

Regardless of your intention, thank you for everything. I pray you never look back at our relationship with any sort of regret. I hope you're able to live a life surrounded by those that only want the best for you where you're able to show up as your most genuine self.

I ultimately regret the people we became to each other. We both deserved far better than to have ever shown up at our worst.