My Sister Katherine

TW: Feticide

The soft hum of the wedding’s reception festivities faded as the bride closed the bathroom door behind her. She closed her eyes in silent relief. It was the most joyous of days, but something-or rather someone-was missing. That is how life always felt, like someone was missing because they were; her unborn sister. Opening her eyes, she dared a glance in the mirror in front of her. The mirror reflected the exterior only; the interior a boiling soup of ambiguity. The mirror reflected her, radiant in her gown, but beneath the beauty, her eyes held a depth of longing and melancholy. She took a deep breath, leaning against the cool counter, and whispered, as if her sister was right there with her.

"Well... here we are. You should be here with me, you know."

She felt a smile threaten to take hold of the corners of her mouth, but it felt false. Her heart clenched with the weight of the words that could never be shared. 

"I have thought about you so much today. It is so hard not to. All these years, I’ve imagined what it would have been like if you were here; if you were real. What would life be like if I had you to lean on? Share grief, happiness, all of life’s treasures with? If we only had grown up together. I imagined us lying in Mamaw’s butterfly gardens, playing dress-up, fighting over who got to wear Aunt Jen’s 80’s green taffeta bridesmaids dresses, and whispering secrets under the covers. God, how I wanted that."

Her voice trembled, and she blinked away the tears that threatened to spill. "I wonder what it would have been like to have you next to me on those hard days—those awful, messy middle school years. You could have been with me cheering at basketball and football games, trying out for volleyball and not making it, or realizing a few bites of chocolate cake won’t kill you. You would have been my partner in crime. We would have stuck together like glue, rolling our eyes at Mama, surviving it all with inside jokes no one else would understand. Neither of us would ever pay any mind to Daddy not wanting us. We would have been enough for each other and Mama."

She laughed lightly, while also dismally at the thought. "And high school—what a nightmare, right? But it wouldn’t have been what it became with you there. Maybe we’d have had each other’s backs at every turn. Maybe we would have gone egging on Halloween night, played mermaids together or finally settled the long argument of whether NSYNC or Backstreet Boys are better. Everyday, I wonder who you would’ve been. The quiet one, or maybe the wild one? You would have to have been the quiet one since I was the wild one! I will always wish I knew. I wish I could’ve watched you grow up. Seen your smile, heard your laugh, dry your tears from uncontrollable laughter. I miss a person I never met. How strange is that?"

The bride sighed, turning her gaze to the floor, away from her reflection, as her voice softened. "Today especially… I wish you were here. I envision you standing to the side of the altar, watching and smiling at me with bleary, yet love-filled eyes as I walk down the aisle. You would have been my maid of honor. Who else would I have asked? We would have laughed about how surreal this all feels. We would laugh about how to decipher Papaw’s frowns and whether or not it was actually a grin. We’d compete in beauty pageants, see who could go the fastest down hills on our bikes while Mama yells at us to be careful. I would get to watch your face light up when I dance my first dance with my husband, and you’d tell me how proud you are. You’d tell me how the suffering of years past was worth it to make it to this point. I would tell you the same."

The bride lifted her hand, brushing her cheek, catching a tear before it could fall. "I wonder what you would have said to me today. Maybe you’d remind me to breathe, to soak it all in. Maybe tell me to repeat Goosfraba so my nerves would not get the best of me. Maybe we would share a quiet moment together before all the craziness starts again. I want you to know that even though you’re not physically here, I feel you. I always have. I always will. You will always be with me in spirit, every step of the way."

She took a moment before continuing. “You would have liked him, you know? My husband. He is all of the typical words you would describe someone who is perfect: kind, funny, responsible. Above all, he cares for me in all the ways that matter. I can imagine the two of you sharing laughter, making jabs at me for being too serious most of the time, or collaborating on surprise birthday parties for members of our families.”

The bride let out a shaky breath, feeling both the weight and the seriousness of her words. "I love you. And I wish with everything in me that you were here to share this day with me. It is not fair that you are not here with me. But wherever you are, I hope you are watching. I hope you will always be watching until we meet again. Above all, I hope you are proud. I pray you are proud of me. I have and always will carry you with me."

For a moment, the bathroom fell silent, her heart full but aching. She glanced at her reflection one last time, gave a small nod to herself, and wiped her eyes. With a final breath, she straightened her dress and opened the door, stepping back into the celebration, carrying her sister’s memory with her like a quiet, precious secret.