Confessions

John:

Ryan's my best friend, I should have known. I stared down at his body in silence. All around people dressed in black muttered and mumbled sadly. Everyone was respectfully quiet, everyone except Laura. 

Laura held his hand desperately, wailing and sobbing with despair. It made sense, they’d been together for almost four years. They lived together. No one tried to silence her, no one even looked her way. They all let her mourn peacefully.

I sighed deeply as I looked at his face. It almost looked like he was sleeping. A part of me tried to convince myself he was, then I wouldn’t have to face the reality that he was gone.

Didn’t he call me the night before? Didn’t he nervously say there was something he wanted to ask me about? I blew it off when he changed his mind about asking. Figured it was something he either figured out himself or was too embarrassed to ask. He’d tell me if he wanted to. Why didn’t I just ask?

Maybe if I’d pushed him he would have told me what was wrong. Maybe he would have confessed to feeling so trapped, so alone in this world. Maybe he wouldn’t have killed himself. Why the hell didn’t I just ask?

I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn’t my fault. I couldn’t have known. My heart still felt heavy though. It screamed at me, saying I should have done more. After all, he was my best friend. How could I have not known?

He was my best friend. The past tense finally broke me. He was gone. Really gone. Tears spilled over in my eyes and slid down my cheeks silently.

Caleb:

God, would that woman just shut up? I felt a little guilty that I was thinking so harshly about Laura, but I couldn’t stand it anymore. The wailing and the screaming. He was her boyfriend, not her child. Even Ryan’s mom was taking this better than she was.

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. That wasn’t why I was upset. I knew it wasn’t. I wasn’t upset that she was crying, I was upset she was crying over him. I always thought Laura was too good for him. I knew Ryan better than anyone. Sure, maybe John knew about his past and dreams, and all that childhood-best-friend crap, but I knew the real Ryan.

I was his roommate in college. I knew the Ryan they didn’t. The Ryan that was always getting wasted at the bar and falling asleep in his own vomit. The Ryan that used to bring back girl after girl to the apartment to try out whatever little kink he wanted that night. The Ryan who swore he had given up that lifestyle but was always asking me about how much I partied or what I was doing with the girls I was bringing home. Hell, he even called not long ago to ask if I’d ever tried that choking stuff in bed.

This was the real Ryan. The one who was so selfish he left his sweet, beautiful girlfriend to suffer without him. She wouldn’t cry like this if she knew the real him. She deserved better. She deserved me. Someone that would love her, someone that would treat her right, someone who would worship the very ground she walked on. Someone who wouldn’t leave his body hanging in the damn bedroom for her to find.

Laura wailed loudly. I sighed again. I’d wait a few months, out of respect, before I asked her. Laura loved with all her heart, even someone as undeserving as him. I needed to give her time.

Maggie:

He didn’t even leave me a note. The tears welled up in my eyes as I thought this. I wanted to see him, to have a proper chance to say goodbye, but I’d have to wait. I knew Laura wasn’t going anywhere. She clung to his body as soon as she saw it. Instead, I waited for John. He didn’t make a sound, but I could see the tears on his face.

Everyone missed Ryan, I knew that, but I was his sister. Shouldn't I have the first rights to say my goodbyes? I looked down at my hands. I was being selfish, I knew that, but I couldn’t help it. I felt betrayed. How could he not leave me a note? He was my big brother, the guy who swore he’d always be there for me. I could forgive the suicide, but how the hell could he not even leave me a goodbye note?

Tears started to spill over. I still remembered Laura’s call. Crying hysterically about how she found him in the bedroom with that belt. I remembered thinking it had to be a joke, it had to be. Laura wouldn’t joke about something like that, but it had to be a joke. I don’t think it became real for me until we got here today. Until I saw him lying there.

It had to be a joke, all an elaborate joke. I kept telling myself this, I was still telling myself this. Ryan couldn’t be dead, he couldn’t be. Not without leaving me a note! He had to say something to me. I didn’t need him to write some biography about how miserable his life was, I didn’t even need a letter. I just needed something.

I made the police search the house. I must have asked at least three times. I would have taken anything, even a “goodbye” scribbled on a napkin would have been enough, but there was nothing. He was just gone without a word. As John moved away I almost ran over. I stared down at Ryan's face. He looked like he was sleeping. It had to be a joke.

Laura:

It was my fault. It was all my fault. I sobbed heavily as I looked at his face. I clung to his hand desperately. Several people looked my way and shook their heads, feeling sorry for me, but I didn't deserve it. It was my fault, and not in the way they thought.

I knew about Ryan’s past, the kind of things he liked. I wasn’t stupid about how Caleb felt about me. It was easy to see how he always subtly put down Ryan when we talked. Telling me about what a “party guy” he used to be, all the girls he would “date.” He never said anything specific, but I could guess.

I knew I wasn’t exactly wild in bed. Ryan always said he loved me the way I was, but I could always see something was off when he held me after. A longing in his eyes, a dissatisfaction. I tried to be more “exciting,” but I didn’t know where to start. I think even my most ambitious attempts were pretty vanilla. 

That’s why I didn’t argue much when he brought up choking. I mean, it wasn’t really my thing, but he had this excitement in his eyes talking about how hot it would be. I wanted that excitement for him. I loved him. I wanted him to feel just as satisfied in our relationship as I was. I mean, I’d heard about plenty of people doing it, it’s easy enough to do. Why not?

This was why not. I don’t know what happened. Where did things go wrong? One moment he was excited, asking me to tighten the belt even more, then the next? I couldn’t wake him up. I tried and tried. I tried CPR, I slapped him, I cried. I tried so hard, but he was gone, and it was my fault.

I was so scared. It was an accident, but not everyone would think that. Plus his parents, his sister? I couldn’t let poor Maggie know he died like this. So I lied.

I hung his body against the bedpost and called 911. I called Maggie and told her I “found him” when I went to check on him for dinner. It wasn’t hard to fake the tears and hysterics, because they weren’t fake. It was all real.

John moved past me, tears streaming down his cheeks. Maggie ran up to the casket almost immediately and reached down to stroke his cheek. I noticed Caleb in the corner, half-glancing my way. They didn’t know, no one knew. No one could help me, I was completely alone with my guilt. I looked at Ryan’s face. I started crying again, another wail of despair left my mouth. I had done this, I was alone, and it was all my fault.