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Bedtime Friendship Speculative

I stood there. Knowing the consequences, I still stood. Not moving anything but my mind... but even that was almost still. I am numbing myself from reality. If I choose, I will be held responsible. How can I? How can I hold myself high with confidence when the weight of a decision is pulling me down?

I cannot choose to throw away what is good. But am I even choosing to throw it away? Or am I preserving it?

We are given opportunities to change and with those opportunities, it almost always seems that the chances are to be hoped for, but what if the opportunity is good enough that it can make it bad? I am faced with that: the good worst choice.

If I have to make my future, I should make it a fulfilled and steadfast one.

If I have to let fate make my future, I should live it freely.

If I choose to believe I am preserving some parts of my future life, then the answer is clear: I can do what is surely good. The good that is reliable, that isn't settling. I can always have new interests and therefore new options, this might be even better than what I am narrowing my vision to right now.

I can choose, as long as I have support. But the ones who offer support to go, do it without any understanding. Because of this, unfortunately, they are not to be trusted in my mind and also in the minds of the others. These "others" are the ones who support their reality of me leaving this platform, meaning they support the life I have. I am grateful for both, but doesn't it seem a little obvious what the answer should be? To take the risk to live a life outside of what is already known? To not be stuck, right?

To be stuck, just for a little while, could further the height I could jump in this reality.

But what am I missing, what am I not living?

The dream I am pursuing is a dream to everyone outside of my head, but it is a reality to my conscientious carefree, independent mind. Why should I let that go... when I am given chance?

I am still standing. Only a couple of breaths have gone by, unlike the dozens of the established decisions that the people have while passing me by. They walk with their disposition to the platform. They move with the procedure. But I saw that some did not. Some hesitate. But not like me. I am stuck. They have come here already knowing, even if they want to say they were unsure. I am stagnant. Unable to help myself.

This hurts to decide. It might hurt me to fail. It might hurt others for thinking that they should save me from failing. Why should it be their burden that in turn becomes mine? Why should I feel the anxiousness of their anxiety?

I could go, it doesn't matter where. I could physically be right next door, but it would still be a change. Would they still feel as anxious? I know they would. (Is this me feeling trapped?). Or is that still just my presumption? I could avoid those who I live with on a regular basis and not too many words are spoken about how they want to see me. But, suddenly if I were to still not be physically in front of them, it only becomes a problem when there can be no immediate return for them. If I couldn't come back with just a casual invitation. Them saying, "When you come home, grab some groceries." That sentence will no longer be their reality. They can't. Is this what scares them? I know to a degree it's what I want. I want to be cared for without the obligations of a short distance. Is this selfish of me?

It's like Schrodinger's cat. They don't know what they don't see. And that scares them... but it doesn't when I am in a certain radius? How could I relieve them of this? I don't think I can. How can I accommodate the feelings of everyone? Can I? I could try. Should I?

Still frozen in thought, this is still what is racing through my mind. One decision fighting the other to the finish line. But remember... this is a timed race. I know I cannot make this decision on adrenaline without any regard to what I have just thought... so let me think some more. Let's speed this up.

I will do it. I will hope. I will strive. I will... I will... I will... fail?

I can't. I won't. I will be safe where I am. I am still happy... right?

But it could be better! I could see what those around me had not. I could hear and feel and taste what they have not. I want to go!


But... If I leave, even for a short while, I might be missing what I have right in front of me. I would miss the education which could take me places even higher. I would miss the people around me experiencing new things. I would be excluding them from my life, even for that short while. What if a man I am supposed to marry is only a city away from home but I missed the chance to meet him? What if I miss the opportunities to deeply route myself into the culture around me?


But... what if I meet that man while I am away? Would I find the different cultures which accepted me deeply? I could always be in the lives of those who care, simply because of the fact they care. Do you need to be with those people physically? Or does it matter more to have unconditional support? I should test my limits. It might test theirs, but it is my choice, right? Or is it yours, Fate?

I have understood at this point.

Knowing the chances, knowing the consequences...

I took my step forward...

...then the train passed

Thank you for reading this. I'm sorry if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes. I know that my computer sometimes puts random periods. But Anyways, I am a new writer. I am here with. the purpose to explore the unconscious side of me and wow. This is my real situation and I really don't know how to make this decision. If some of you have any opinions about what I should do in the character's situation, then please tell me. Also, I want to know if the ending was clear. I don't want there to be a definite ending. The character makes a decision and it is not clear if they had missed the train or had taken the step onto it while it left. I want to know from more experienced writers if I conveyed this correctly.

October 21, 2022 23:40

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1 comment

Reclaiming Peace
18:30 Feb 15, 2023

This is an excellent writing showing your stream of consciousness. You are talented. It seems that you have quite the struggle to decide. Holding conflating ideas is one of the most painful human states. It is why bad marriages stay together. Response: Sometimes the best decisions are actually made on adrenaline so we do not allow our inner fears to stop us. So we can make a decision based purely on our souls. When someone has a dream that is a reality in their head that person will never be comfortable until that dream is fulfilled. ...


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