Private Fears in Public Places

Chapter 1 - “If I Tremble”

I am afraid of so many things.

First, there's the Dark. I feel like that one is pretty common, so no need to explain right? We are all a little scared of what could be lurking out there.

Second, Mirrors. That's probably a little weird, but I don't like to look at myself in them and every time I do, it's a personal jump scare.

Third, this one is weirdly specific, but I physically cannot look into mirrors in the dark. Thanks to that lovely Bloody Mary game.

Fourth is similar, but windows in the dark freak me out. Anytime I look out my window and it's night time, I expect to see a face.

Fifth is spiders. Again, I feel like that's pretty common.

Sixth, things near my ears. I had a lot of ear infections and surgery as a child. I can't even stand having water in them.

Seventh is drowning. I can't swim, despite my parents' best efforts of teaching me, aka throwing me into a lake and expecting me to just figure it out. I did not. I nearly drowned instead.

Eighth is bridges over water, which relates to not being able to swim. But also, being trapped inside a car as you sink to your death sounds awful.

Ninth is heights. I can't climb a ladder or even stand on a chair.

Tenth is flying. Ties into my fear of heights, but also my ear issues. Do you see what a mess I am?

Eleventh is spiders crawling into my ears while sleeping. I always have to have my ears covered with my hair or something else before I can fall asleep.

Twelfth is wearing my hair down, unless I'm sleeping. I once got my hair wrapped around my rope swing and had to chop it all off when I was six. I always wear it up and out of the way.

Thirteenth is blood, mine or anyone else's. I pass out.

Fourteenth is small spaces. I am claustrophobic and I can't handle feeling like I'm in a coffin.

While I am afraid of this whole, ever expanding list, every day of my life, there is one thing I fear the absolute most.

Being in love with my best friend's husband.

Actually what I fear is my best friend, Anna, ever finding out what a horrible human being I am. My whole world would come shattering down around me.

I guess that makes my fifteenth fear being truly alone. Anna is all I have left in this world. She is my family and I would do absolutely anything for her. Including living every day as a lie. Smiling and pretending I'm fine while I'm dying inside. Watching them live their ‘Happily Ever After’ with no hope of ever achieving mine.

I tell you all this to show you just how terrifying today is for me. It's our annual Thanksgiving Dinner and I'm confronted by my absolute worst fear in front of an audience.

Anna, and her husband, Brandon, invite their entire family and all their friends for a huge feast and I have to be very careful of how I act.

I sit with Brandon in a pleasant silence watching television. I am in Anna's house so often that I'm no longer considered a guest. I am basically just a part of the furniture at this point.

I sneak a glance over at him and my pulse spikes when he meets my gaze and gives me a sweet smile. The same smile I fell in love with when I first saw him in the Third Grade. The same smile he gave me when I gave a presentation in the Eighth grade and I was beyond nervous. The same smile he gave me when I confessed I had a crush on someone our Senior year. The same smile he had when he first met Anna, my roommate, Freshman year of college.

I desperately want to be rid of these feelings, but they've been a part of me for so long that I no longer know where I end and they begin. So I add it to the list of my fears.

Oh, and I just thought of another. Sixteenth is public speaking. Really just being up in front of anyone, especially a group, it's the worst.

So that makes Seventeenth the fear of hurting the one person I care the most about in the entire world.

Chapter 2 - “Run Away”

The next person to show up to the party is Brandon's best friend, Cole. He and I have a playful banter that we often fall into which causes Anna to tease us.

Don't get me wrong, Cole is attractive, but he knows it. He throws a glance at me, like he can't be bothered to show me too much attention. “Hey ‘Dan the Man. Been up to no good?”

I roll my eyes at his stupid nickname for me. “No, Cole the Ass-hole. But I'm sure you have.”

“Oh, you know it.” His smile would be dazzling if I didn't have eyes for someone else.

“I don't doubt it.” I mumble, mostly to myself.

He grabs a can of soda from the fridge and plops down directly between me and Brandon. “What was that, Danny boy?”

I want to punch that smile off his face, but instead I give him my biggest fake grin. “I don't know what you're talking about.”

He leans forward, so he's directly in my face. “Sounded like you were being a smart ass.”

I shrug and try my best to be nonchalant, even though he's way too close to my face.

“Whatever you say, Dan the Man.” He emphasises the man part and it throws me into an unexplainable rage, sending me back to school when all the kids called me a boy.

“I am a girl, you know.” I huff.

“Oh really? I hadn't realised.” He smirks at me and I can't take it anymore. He's infuriating and I'm already on edge today.

“Asshole.” I stand up to go check and see if Anna needs any help. I know she never does, but I need to get away.

Cole grabs my wrist. “Sorry. You know I was just joking around, right?”

“Whatever.” I yank my arm away from his grasp and stomp to the kitchen.

I hear Brandon reprimanding him in a hushed whisper. “Why do you do that, man?”

I don't wait to hear Cole's response.

I stand beside Anna who is digging in the fridge. “Hey. Need any help?”

She laughs and I feel so much calmer already. “What happened?”

I sigh. “Cole’s here.”

“And he's being his usual flirty self?” She smirks.

“He's not flirting. He's just being annoying.” I cross my arms to emphasize my seriousness.

“Mhmm. Sure. Whatever you say.” Her curly hair bounces around her delusional face.

“Well, it doesn't matter either way. It's not like I'm interested in him.” Shoot, did I put too much emphasis on the last word? Will she realize I meant someone else?

“Oh? Do you have someone else in mind?” Dang it. She definitely noticed.

“What, no? Of course not.” I try to sound convincing, but her raised eyebrow tells me that I was not.

I shrug, trying not to look suspicious, but I can't force myself to lie to her again.

She finally gives up, throwing up her hands in defeat. “Okay, fine. I'll stop.”

“Thank you.” I smile, thinking I've won.

“Sorry for caring about your life.” She sighs dramatically.

“Oh my god, you are so dramatic.” I laugh as I lean over and wrap my arm around her shoulders.

She joins me in laughter, but it quickly dies out as more guests begin to arrive. There isn't much to do, but I help her move dishes to the buffet table in the dining room. Before we know it, we are all gathered around the table ready to eat.

Looking up, I realise there is a new massive, long mirror on the wall in front of me. Great, I need to avoid looking over there at all costs.

Somehow I end up sitting between Brandon and Cole. How did this happen? Anna always sits herself at the head of the table because she's, and I quote, “an independent woman who don't need no man”. And since she's the one who did all the work, nobody dares to argue.

Of course Brandon is sitting at her right hand side. Then her mother is seated on the left, with their family extending all around that side of the table.

It makes sense. But why am I sandwiched between these two? We go around the table and say what we are thankful for, there's another fear for today. I mumble something that's probably incoherent about being thankful for great friends who treat you like family, before realising that might be slightly offensive to their actual families.

Too late to change the answer now. Brandon is of course thankful for Anna. And Anna is thankful for everyone coming.

Cole’s response is the only one that surprises me. “I'm thankful for Danielle, for being such a good girl.” He squeezes my leg under the table and I swear my heart stops beating. All eyes turn to me and I can feel my entire face burning with embarrassment.

Uhm, what?

He clears his throat and continues. “And Anna, for cooking this delicious looking meal. And, of course, Brandon who introduced me to all you wonderful people.” He squeezes my knee again and I suck in a gasp.

Anna looks at me with her eyebrow raised again, but I'm pretty sure, despite my best efforts to appear normal, my eyes are as big around as the empty dinner plates in front of us.

What is happening?

We line up at the buffet and fill our plates before returning to the table. Since everyone insisted that Anna went first, that puts me third in line, which means I get back to the table pretty early. I did my best to ignore everyone on the way over, but now that I'm sitting with just Anna and Brandon, I can feel their stares boring into me.

When I look up, Anna begins whisper shouting at me. “What was that?”

Before I can speak, Cole sits down next to me and they pretend to be really interested in their food.

I stare down at my plate, willing my stomach to want food of any kind at this moment.

Cole leans over and whispers. “Sorry about that. I thought it would be funny after what you said earlier, but I didn't think about how it would sound.”

“No kidding.” I whisper back. “That's your problem though, you never think. At least not with the right head.”

He chokes on the drink he was taking. Serves him right after humiliating me in front of all these people. I whack him hard on the back a few times to ‘help’. “There, there. You'll be okay.”

He glares at me, but doesn't say anything else.

“Everything okay?” I feel Brandon whisper into my ear, sending a shiver down my spine.

“Yep.” I try to keep the sarcasm out of my voice as I whisper back. “Everything is just great.”

But in fact, everything is not great. I accidentally caught a glimpse in the stupid mirror and came to the realisation that I can look at Brandon without anyone noticing.

Why am I like this?

Chapter 3 - “Aware”

I manage to pick at my food enough to look like I'm eating. I feel awful knowing how much effort Anna put into this meal and I'm not even enjoying it. As if I don't have enough reasons to feel bad today.

We all take our plates to the kitchen and return to our seats with dessert. It's been pretty uneventful, except the occasional mirror glances. I swear the last time, Cole caught me, but when I looked at him, his eyes were on his plate. Now I'm too nervous to look again.

We all stand to clear the table, but Anna insists that we leave it. So now we are all awkwardly standing behind our chairs, unsure of what to do with ourselves.

I sneak a look in the mirror, vowing this will be the last time, and meet Brandon’s eyes.

“Look away, look away.” I chant to myself, and yet I can't. I'm transfixed.

As I strive to find the willpower to look away, it goes completely black. The room is filled with soft gasps and someone screams.

Oh god, this feels like one of those murder mystery dinners. Please don't be what this is. Or just kill me off first so I don't have to participate.

Anna's voice booms out over the concerned chatter. “Don't worry everyone, we probably just flipped a breaker. I'll go check. Everyone just stay calm.”

Suddenly, a person is lightly pressed up against my back. I hear a manly voice whisper in my ear, “Don't worry. It'll be okay.”

Who is that? Could it be Brandon? No, surely not. He's helping Anna, right? But we did lock eyes right before it happened, so maybe?

The whisper comes again, “I can hear your heartbeat from here. Calm down.”

Maybe it's meant to be reassuring, but it makes me feel even more on edge. The darkness, the mirror, the weird person near my ear. It's all too much. I begin involuntarily shaking and they wrap their arms around my waist to hug me tight against them.

His soft whisper is in my ear again. “Shit, sorry. I didn't mean to make it worse.”

He keeps repeating. “It's okay. It's okay.” It sounds like he's soothing a wild animal instead of a full grown adult.

Who could be this worried about me? It has to be Brandon, right? Cole wouldn't care that I was scared and I don't know any of their family that well.

It can't be Brandon though. It can't be. It makes no sense. My head is throbbing from the insanely weird day this has been.

I do feel a bit calmer now. So whoever it is, I'm grateful to them. At least I'm not alone in one of my greatest fears.

The whisper has changed to “shh, shh” on repeat now.

“I'm not a horse.” I whisper back.

“There she is.” The whisper comes back. It has to be Cole, right? But why?

“Who?” I try to lighten the mood, as though I'm not being intimately hugged by some random person in the dark.

“You, of course. You were gone for a bit. I missed you.” The voice sounds closer now. I feel their warm breath on my neck.

It feels comforting, somehow. I close my eyes and relax into their arms.

When the lights turn back on, I gather the courage to look in the mirror. Cole is wrapped around me, breathing into my exposed neck.

I can't rationalize what I'm seeing, so I just clear my throat and try to move away, but he's holding me like a vice gripe.

“Shit, sorry.” He jumps away suddenly and I already miss his hold. What is going on with me?

I'm not sure what to say. My brain is screaming at me for allowing that to happen and my body is screaming at me for letting it end.

He grabs my hand and yanks me into the laundry room, away from the noisy crowd.

“Sorry, I know you're afraid of the dark, so I thought you might freak out.” He acts like it's no big deal, but his cheeks are bright red. Wait, how does he know that?

“Oh.” I can't come up with anything else.

“Sorry, I won't ever do that again.” He looks away from me, clearly embarrassed.

“No, it's okay. You can.” I say before I can stop myself. Why did I say that? I slap my hand over my mouth.

“What? Really? You don't hate me?” He looks at with so much hope in his eyes that it takes my breath away.

“No, of course not. You were just trying to help me, right?” How could I hate someone who cares that much about me?

“Uh, yeah. Uh huh. That's all I was doing.” He's back to looking bashful again. I don't think I've ever seen him like this.

“Oh really? Then why were you breathing into my neck?” I playfully punch his shoulder.

“You smell good. And you always wear your hair up, so I've always wanted to do that.” His cheeks are still red, but he's less shy now.

“You have?” I can feel my cheeks burning at his confession.

“I mean, yeah. You really never realised I liked you?” How can he just say that out loud?

“Uhm… what? You what?” Yep, my brain is officially offline now.

He smiles at me and I feel myself falling a little for a new, different smile. One that holds promise.

“I like you, Danny boy. A lot.” His smirk is annoying, but kinda adorable.

I roll my eyes. “You just had to ruin it, didn't you?”

“Sorry. You're just so cute when you roll your eyes at me. Listen, I know I'm not the one you're looking at, but-” Wait. He doesn't know, does he?

“What?” I feel my stomach drop as my throat goes dry.

“I've been looking at you since we met, it's hard not to see. But I can show you how love can really be, if you let me.” Wait, did he say love?

My chest squeezes as my Eighteenth fear hits me, I'm terrified of being loved. Is that why I've spent so long in love with someone who's unavailable?

Has my fear been blinding me? Have I been missing out on my own ‘Happily Ever After’? Can I overcome this fear?

As stretch up on my toes to gently kiss Cole's lips, I think I'm ready to try.