The Wound Inside

I have some secrets that I cannot utter to a single soul. Some secrets that kill me deep inside. That create wounds healing into scar and again wounds on the same scars. I will not lie. I have been trying to heal in the best way I can. I could say that I have been reborn as a newer self but I fail to recognize it is only an outer shell that cracks with each new arrow thrown right at the weak spot. What is life exactly? Who can you trust with all your heart? Who do you think is willing to listen without judgement? Who do you think will stand tall even in the darkest times without a doubt? All these questions had simple answers for me since childhood. Yet it is so easy to make a new opinion, isn't it?

All of the people are so into their own lives, their own problems and it's okay. I know how difficult it can be to fight with yourself. The voice that tells you, it is all your fault. The voice that yells at you for not being strong enough, for not raising your voice. I still think to this day, what could I have done to stop all of that? Did I lure him myself to do so? Three places and three different people, I must have done something to attract those animals. I am still trying to figure it out. Why me? I really hate the slightest of touches that people might land on me mistakely. It reminds me of something I do not want to remember. Wounds that are skin deep, which are not quite visible. I cringe. I forgive all the souls that have hurt me with the hope they will not do it to other people around. Maybe I am that naive to think so. Maybe they are this way to me only. Maybe I can look past all this and break through. Just maybe someday I'll be able to forget what has caused me such troubles.

I wasn't even a teenager when I learned about pain - both physical and mental. Sometimes I think what would have happened if I spoke up. I know the consequences. I do not want my family apart. My sister thinks she protected me all this time but she does not know she failed me in the way she cannot even imagine. She does not know about the struggles. Why I became so quiet all of a sudden? Why I changed so suddenly? Why don't I like when someone overpowers me with their voice? Numerous times, I have gone through panic attacks without people knowing it - in my classes, at home. These attacks don't have time tables. They come and they go leaving you shivering and shaking, hands and feet cold as ice. I have sleepless nights with the thought of it. It all comes down to a troubled childhood. No, not anyone is to be blamed for this. I am the way I am. I carry scars. I may not flaunt them but I know I'm flawed. I accept it. 

However, today is a bit harder than yesterday. Everyday is a struggle. I thought I have gone past this. I really did. Just when I think I have moved on, it drags me down to the same pitch, the same hole, the same lonely feeling. It is gut-wrenching. Why do I feel this way?

I feel more and more worthless everyday. It feels like I am screaming at the highest pitch yet there is no one to hear me out. I even think they will not understand and I will be judged like I've always been.

You are an over thinker. Don't think too much. You have started to dig a hole that does not exist. I am tired of hearing all these sentences. No one ever asks why. It is like they already know I am wrong without me uttering a single word. I never get a chance to explain.

My eyes, they are filled with tears. Yet I am not crying. It feels like there is an ocean inside my throat just bubbling to take down everything with it. Nights are so much peaceful yet so much harder. Why am I such a crier? Why am I so weak? Why?

It just fills me up like the lungs are pushing stuff up the body. You know like you heard something bad but you cannot react, like someone just died inside of you. Little by little it is. I can feel it.

I can hold it longer. There are good things in life I still have to see. Maybe not. Maybe the road ahead is as bitter as today. Maybe I will again suffocate for air tonight while I cannot move a single inch. Maybe I will just dream of me running for my life from somebody. Life is always a thrill. You can never really say which one is actually worse. Your life or your dreams. 

Funny yet I feel I have not seen enough. I'm a masochist, I am sadistic. Am I?

I lost them. I lost them all. My friends. I always push people away when I think they are getting too close. I think I hurt people close to me. I am this overwhelming person no one wants around.

I thought I found one years ago who listened to what I had to say, who did not pass on judgements. Turns out he was in love with me and now we cannot even talk without him bringing out how I misled things. Maybe I did. Maybe I always mislead people like I did every morning when I was asleep in my childhood. I called out in my sleep to a man who caressed my body without consent. To try attempt something that was not sane. I am of this character as once my best friend questioned me. Maybe I conspire things to work out my way.

I am selfish. I feel I do not have a voice. I am just constantly living in a world of sleep paralysis where everything bad is happening but my voice just won't come out. I am suffocating but it is fine. Someday I will get peace. My mind will set me free.

For now, just try to breathe. BREATHE SLOWLY. Let the heartbeat be stable!