Language Warning: Lots Of Expletives.
Finally home as I put the bag down. Leave the keys hanging about 6ft off the ground. Tiffany isn't home yet from school. I would pick her up but ran out of fuel.
I'll have to fill it up a different day. I wanted to grab some groceries but my client didn't pay. I'll stop by tomorrow and get a check. Cleaning houses isn't reliable anymore what can I expect.
No legal papers so living is complex. My husband is working out the steps. There's never an update and I'm dying for what's next. I can't go on like this tired, broke and coping with sex.
With my husband of course we've been together for a decade. After I got pregnant the only logical move was to get engaged. Boy what a mistake that was. The petty shit, the headaches, talk about love.
A house built on a dream and a promise. Paul manages the money and tries to pay for all this. There are investments that he put together. Life was perfect, however.
Paul lost his position at the office. He was laid off and became jobless. Invested the savings to make ends meet. I never supported the idea but it worked clearly.
If it works it works what can I say. He became a mechanic a couple weeks after to put food on our plates. I appreciate his drive but it's not working out. Bearly with family and when he is he's not around.
I kept us upfloat for the moment. The essentials were paid from my savings I don't know if Paul noticed. This is after the house. Mortgage became expensive, and we couldn't figure it out.
Tiffany doesn't pay attention, she still too young to understand. Let money flow in and see how she can manage a grand. Force responsibility take a chore off my hands. We all learn at some point I'll give her a chance.
Speaking of the devil I heard the front door. It could be Paul but I didn't hear his boots torturing the floor. It's raining unlike before. It's Tiffany though I rest assured. Her face lights up as I became the person she walks towards. Give a hug to calm down my emotional storm. Noone else is home at least not yet. Trapped with optimism with no luck or pets.
Paul comes in six hours later upset. Moves his umbrella to then wipe off a layer of sweat.
"Jane we gotta talk."
"You damn right we do. What's with the time what's your excuse?"
"It's called work first of all no need to start shit. I just got home and didn't even take off my jacket."
"Your the one coming late. Tiffany is asleep and we both already ate. Tried to call but you didn't respond."
"Well when the phone's dead service is long gone. Can I eat at least? I'm starving and been having a rough week. A transmission replacement that ended with a leak. Did a few jobs and broke a few things. Shit happens that won't change. I try to hold hope as surviving kept me entertained."
I left fuck that boo hoo. I didn't get paid news to you. We all have bad days that can be considered abuse. We push another day to level up the strength to zeus.
We meet at the bedroom and we proceeded to talk. The air felt thick as it became hot.
"Jane my love I gotta talk to you. I've been struggling to pay for shit I can't refuse. Mortgage is next week, and I know you're tight. But need the assistance to smite the contrite."
"Really, you're asking me now? I can't afford groceries. My wallet doesn't allow."
We argued for a while but no one was backing down. Both points where made. Complications with a spouse.
If he just had his money planned out we would be fine. Don't invest savings reguardless if you have enough to provide. Times are tough and I get the intention to glorify pride. When you need the cash that's the moment you can't find.
And here I go again talking to myself like a ventriloquist
My husband is trying to ignore me like a lousy client. It boils my blood in rage and silence. With the tasks I do constantly I'm practically an appliance.
I threw shade with enough hate to start a war. He couldn't take it anymore. Said fuck it I'm sleeping in the living room. You do what you please bitch I'm not in the mood. I took it down a notch and thought about it. Give a suggestion to see if he'll listen.
"The couch gets comfy with sheets from Raymond."
"Noted I know where there at."
I threw a throw before he left out assuming he would catch. I hit is head but didn't mean to. It made me laugh I won't lie. The timing was perfect too.
He went out fading into the darkness. Leaving behind all the promises. Vomit a phrase that later becomes regret. Paul and his intentions left me upset.
I left his ass there and took a nap. Felt lonely and went down to see if I can lay my head on his lap. Trying to apologize for having a bridge collapse. Does our love manifest a toxic atmosphere perhaps.
I put my ear against his chest as he was asleep. In comfort so great no need to count sheep. My head was like a bowling ball as Paul tries to speak. His leg moved and he mumbled confusion as to why I'm here really.
His elbow cracked as he tries to position himself. Try to make a point on why he needs the help. Being ideal without lies as I absorb his troubles neglecting myself. Living the way I have though it's effecting my health.
"Your my last resort like an emergency switch. Trust me I didn't want this struggle and shit. Things happen but understand me. I apologize for everything I did honestly. You know that I love you and that my intention isn't wrong. Everything was perfect then my timing was off. I tried to save enough and put the money where it belongs. I just get upset for when your comments leaves my emotions withdrawn."
"Fuck that always you huh. No, what about me? What about how I feel and how I'm coping as my demons intervene. How my job is or how my depression has been? Did you even notice I haven't been the same since?"
"Please, Jane, just stop. You come down here for this shit. Throwing knives from your mouth until I start acting like a prick. You change me you know I'm usually never rude. Now I get pissed off the shit like you do".
"You selfish piece of shit, sorry, but it's true. I see that your working, but there's more to that in you. Mistakes are inevitable, and a slap on the wrist is what you get. Manifest a dream even with debt. You don't need to sweat to prove a point of progress. Speak don't hide it assuming it's self defense. It might be a woman thing but I usually ask questions I know the answers too. Just speak the truth and we won't have any issues. Hiding anything is when the relationship concludes. Just filling up this emotional balloon."
The atmosphere changed and we both calmed down. I wouldn't call it defeat because we found common ground. Shot enough language and absorbed enough rounds. Just kept shooting not thinking about the amount.
Tiffany came down for a glass of water. Gave us a stare as if I'm her daughter. Shakes the head like a great performer. As Paul and I randomly die from laughter.
Life goes on and we will figure this out. Work together as most couples should instead of getting loud. We both went upstairs and slept safe and sound. I love him genuinely as I hope my patience allows. Transparent lives in a glass house. Trying to survive as life tosses us around. Dreaming big with my head up in the clouds. Living day by day surprised on how. Raising a daughter fulfilling my vows. Doing my best in a country where you hustle to be proud.