Toxic

My glasses kept sliding down my nose. God I needed to get these fixed. Finishing my physics test felt like a marathon; erasing the imperfect calculations, fixing my glasses and of course the stupid hand cramps I kept getting. Why did I need to know about Isaac Newton anyway? I mean seriously, the guy invented calculus, everyone's least favorite subject. If he were alive today, he’d be brutally pranked by a pack of angry high school students. 

I walked over to the front of the room, Mr. Moss giving me the stink eye as I slapped my quiz on the top of the “finished” pile. I didn’t understand why someone would become a teacher if they didn’t like teenagers. He was always hating on us like we’d ruined his life or something. There were very few things he praised. I glanced over at Greyson, his eyes wandering onto Jacob’s paper. I knew he didn’t really need to be cheating - the boy was smart - but he was also hella lazy. If he got caught again Moss would raise a fuss. 

I tried to walk past him, nudging his shoulder. He glanced up for a second and I nodded my head in Moss’ direction. I sat down at my seat, quietly pulling my phone out under the desk. Greyson stood up slowly handing his test in. 

“Now Greyson, there better be no silly business this time around. You don’t want to disappoint Theo,” Mr. Moss mumbled, his eyes following Greyson back to his seat. 

My god, Theo. Greyson’s older brother. Mr. Moss’ esteemed AP Chemistry student. Greyson hated following in his straight A covered footsteps. Theo was so prestigious and shit. Greyson sometimes acted like an idiot just so he could disassociate himself from him.

‘How’d it go?’ I texted Greyson.

‘Ok’

Ugh such a typical response. I looked over at him, his eyes wondering. I couldn’t not notice the fact that he was wearing a long-sleeved sweatshirt and it was practically 80 degrees outside. He was playing with one of the cuffs subconsciously as he stared into space. 

 ‘Aren’t you sweating in that sweatshirt?’ I texted back.

‘No, comfortable enough’ He responded. 

I looked over and he slipped his phone back in his pocket. Greyson was always impossible to read. He was either pissed at someone, tired, or hiding something. The way he publicly expressed those emotions were the same. 

I gave up on texting him and watched as the clock hovered close to 3pm. Thank god school was over. I could go enjoy the sunny May afternoon. 

“Psst, Juliet, you want to go to Starbucks after school?” Tara whispered, tapping one of her fingers next to me. 

The bell sound surged through the classroom. I turned around and watched Greyson bullet out of the room, his backpack haphazardly draped on his back. I turned back to accept Tara’s offer but she was preoccupied giggling over Ben’s joke. 

“I’ll pass today, but hey have fun with Ben,” I replied, not realizing my annoying tone. Her face turned tomato red and I smirked back at her. Tara’s shenanigans weren’t worth it today.

I wanted to see what was up with Greyson. Yeah, he wasn’t the most outgoing, sociable, happy-go-lucky guy but something was off. I tried to make my way down the busy hallway, everyone walking in packs blocking anyone from actually walking. I spotted Greyson’s head bobbing a few yards ahead of me. After some questionable shoving of people out of my way, I nabbed his sweatshirt and smiled but instead was greeted by him swatting my hand away. 

“Woah man, what’s wrong?” I said, startled.

He grasped his wrist in his other hand, still looking forward.

“Nothing, I was just...surprised I guess,” He said, moving a little faster.

“Um, did something happen? Why are you being so cold today?” I said, catching up to his pace. 

“Juliet I’m fine, I just have to get home,” He said, turning the corner. 

“Want to go grab a snack in town first? It’s Thursday, which means almost Friday which means the weekend! Come on, let’s go” I said, finally getting a chance to speak as we were stopped by a crowd waiting to get down the stairwell. 

He finally looked at me, his eyebrows lifting, his lips crinkled. He took a deep breath, rubbing his wrist. 

“I don’t know, I’m kinda tired and I have a lot of homework,” He whined.

“Oh yes I didn’t realize how important homework was to you” I said back, the sarcasm sticky in my mouth. The boy never rarely did his homework on time, let’s be clear on that.

“Juliet,” He grunted, barely spitting another word out as we finally bustled down the stairwell. 

I normally would leave him alone at this point, but I was still convinced something was up. We’d been friends for awhile now and using homework as an excuse was rare for Greyson. 

“Fine, I’ll stop bothering you,” I said as we walked up the sunny sidewalk up to the main road, “but you’ll regret missing out on the opportunity for free coffee. Just saying…” I mumbled slowly, rolling my eyes and turning in the opposite direction. 

He nudged my shoulder and sulked, turning me back in his direction.

“Ok ok fine. But not for long,” He responded as we turned in the direction of the Clarence Street Cafe. 

The way there he remained quiet, his hands in his pocket and the occasional muffled emmhmm. I tried to talk about the weather but small talk was nothing but bullshit. We reached the coffeeshop and I ordered two black coffees. Greyson sat down at a table in the corner away from the windows and more importantly away from all the people. I walked over with our drinks and stared at his drooping expression as he typed something out on his phone. His fingers were shaking and I noticed a sweaty shine on his nose. My phone buzzed. 

‘Okay… fine. I need to tell you something.’

Greyson, looked at his phone intently, still avoiding eye contact with me. 

‘What’s up? You’ve been acting kinda weird ngl’ I texted back. 

‘Well thanks I appreciate the flaw dissection’

I sulked back this time he glanced up for a second, but went right back to typing.

‘My parents, they’re getting divorced’ He texted back.

Shit, that was big news. I looked up, hoping to spot a speck of vulnerability, but he just stared at his phone. I put my hand on the table, reaching for his arm, but he violently moved his hand again. 

‘Dude why have you been so protective of your hands today? I don’t bite, I promise’  I texted. 

‘Idk dw I’m just not feeling touchy today’ He wrote back. 

I respected that, yes, but I didn’t know how else to respond. Greyson’s distant relationship with his feelings wasn’t going to be helpful either.

‘How are you taking it?’ I texted. Obviously not super well.

‘Theo’s been rough’ He responded.

‘I’m sure you guys are taking care of eachother’

He glanced at the text, and turned his phone away for a second. His jaw clenched. I looked up at him, the sweaty shine moving to his eyes. Oh shit. 

‘Theo blames me’ He responded, flipping his phone upside down and standing up to leave. 

“Greyson, wait,”

I chased after him, forgetting our coffees at the table. He turned into the side alley next to the cafe and grabbed my wrist, pulling me into the alley. 

“Theo’s a dick and you know that. It’s nobody’s fault Greyson, it’s just life,” I said, looking at his reddened face and furrowed eyebrows. 

He looked away. I could see the tears outlining his eyes. He brushed his wrist with his hand, trembling. 

“He said if I just studied harder and stopped playing around our parents would have less to worry about or some shit like that,” Greyson spit out. 

“That’s a pathetic excuse for not dealing with trauma properly. I know it probably hurts, more than you’d care to admit, hearing Theo say those words to you - but please listen to me - you’ll get through this. Don’t listen to him,” I said, not knowing if I was actually making a difference in this conversation. Greyson looked like he was going to be sick. 

“I uh… I think I made a mistake last night, and uh… Theo’s not making anything better,” He said, turning around quickly, rubbing his eye in a way he immediately regretted. 

I wanted to respond, but held back for a second. I knew he had more to say, but the words were slow to leave his mouth.

He finally looked at me, his eyes redder than before. He slowly pulled his sweatshirt above his right wrist revealing a haphazard array of cuts and bruises. 

“Oh, Greyson…” I said, my lip quivering. 

A real tear slid down his cheek. He looked away, but I managed to wrap my arms around him, this time he didn't turn away. His hands met my back and he started shaking ever so softly. 

“I don’t know what you’re feeling right now, but I know hurting yourself can’t be the answer,” I said, resting my head on his shoulder.

“Theo should never have said that to you. He’s your brother. I can’t believe he’d say such a thing,” I whispered, pulling away. 

“I...um,” Greyson stuttered, wiping his cheeks.

“I know… I… I shouldn't've done it… but… I just didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t talk to Jake or Aidan because… you know… ” He mumbled.

Because they’d judge him. I mean I bet if he really sat down with Aidan or maybe even Jake they’d listen to him. They were his best friends. But I felt special he’d chosen to confide in me. Granted, I had kind of forced it out of him, but that only made me feel more responsible for making sure he was okay.

“Greyson, look at me. You’re allowed to be upset. And it doesn’t have to be in a frustrated with rage kind of way. You can cry all you want. Just please please promise me you won’t hurt yourself again?” I exclaimed, trying to meet his eyes. 

“Yeah...yeah. I… I just didn’t know what to do…” He mumbled, biting his lip and blinking away a few more runaway tears. 

“Hey, look at me” I said, putting my hands on his shoulders.

He finally met my eyes, his expression rather somber.

“If you want to talk more, let’s talk. But if you’d rather ominously text right in front of me, that’s okay too,” I said, trying to make him grin.

“Okay,” He managed to say, quietly sniffling. 

“Can we get out of here? I just… uh… don’t like coffee shops,” He said.

“Yeah okay,” I said, knowing he was lying straight through his teeth as another excuse.

“Let’s go to the park or something, that one down on Mead Street where it’s real quiet,” I said, walking purposefully.

He smirked a bit as I took the lead, him walking beside me.

“Hey, thanks,” He said, nudging my shoulder.

“Anytime Mr. Tough Guy,” I said, shaking my head comically.