A Gift To Myself

Dear Old Me,

Hello again! Today was another productive day. I shouldn’t be this excited about doing something but it has been so long since I was able to do things on consecutive days. Yesterday, I had tired myself out and didn’t hold out much hope to be able to even get out of bed this morning, but I did. 

<SELF-HYPE MODE INITIATED>

Yosh! Yosh! Yosh! You did it! Who be proactive? Me be proactive! 

Mental party – done.

Mental affirmations – done.

Mental appreciation – done.

</SELF-HYPE MODE TERMINATED> 

I know I seem to be celebrating something big but I just went and got documents from the office. Hah! 

It’s been a hard year for the both of us. Coming out of your cocoon has been just as hard as trying to build a life at 23 after messing up my college years. I am feeding off of your emotions. The insecurity, the doubt, the self-recrimination, it’s hard but at the same time we have people looking out for us. Being introduced to the world as an adult is a very sobering experience. You see things the way they are. The rose-colored glasses childhood offered us have long since turned transparent. I have come to understand that as an adult surrounded by others like us, you will only get understanding if you try as hard as the rest. One misstep and your company changes. However, when you see the people around you support you, as an adult you realize that it is not pity or consideration or charity. It is because they see value in you. No one has the time or the energy to support your entire weight while trying to drag their own along. They will lend you a hand if you stumble though. I know it doesn’t seem like much but in that moment, it usually is all you need, the knowledge that you are not the only one traversing in such conditions. 

It is hard for me to see a future for us. Now, that I have started looking for jobs, I don’t seem to have the qualifications necessary to apply. Every day, I look for paths that are not traditional that will help me get a foot in but it doesn’t work out that way in the end. Having to lift myself up and encourage myself to move forward is a daily task that gives me no joy but is essential all the same. One thing that helps though are my dreams. I have started to dream about my future. Where I see myself five years down the line, making plans, being able to support our family, learning to be reliable, these are things I dream about. So, when I wake in the mornings knowing that there is a high possibility of rejection and self-disappointment waiting for me, the hope that my dreams nourish and faith in myself that they give life to help me through the negatives. This little positive outlook that I have developed over the years, is paying itself back to me by keeping me moving forward. 

Who knew that one little decision made when we were in our teenage years would prove to be our saving grace. I still remember to this day the decision you made then to look for the positive in everything. I remember you started small. If someone said one less hurtful thing to you one day, you were grateful. Something that small and what should have been expected brought you a sense of joy upon its realization. It didn’t happen every day, the realizations took effort on your part. Again and again, day after day, you struggled with your own mindset, a sponge for negativity. But now, that habit you struggled to inculcate has spread its roots into your personality whilst bearing fruits for your mind. Your emotional strength, your ability to empathize, has become my foundation for growth. It might fall short against an iron core for a heart, but to each his own. Our superpower, empathy, began humbly as a daily habit of looking for positives amidst the negatives and then developed into understanding and compassion without judgement. What you developed in order to be helpful to the people around will now be used to help us succeed by directing that effort inwards. 

It is not much and it is not uncommon but it will help us achieve my dreams for us. It will help us keep our well-being a priority, teach us to get along with others, let us have hope in our abilities, and most of all, it will make it easier for us to be kind to ourselves, to be considerate of our feelings, to learn when to put ourselves first, to value ourself. We may have suffered a lot but we have also gained a lot from our sufferings. We have made it this far, we will go further ahead. So, my dear old me, forgive yourself a little everyday so that when the time comes for us to enjoy the rewards of our efforts, you will be able to taste the sweetness there is right in front of you. For both our sakes, I will keep marching on ahead till we are at a place we both want to be, a place where we can accept each other. A beginning where there only exists an us, a combination of the your past and my present, that propels us ahead towards the future where we have achieved our hopes, dreams and ambitions, our happy place that satisfies us.

This is all I have to remind us of for today. It is a little lengthy and a lot hopeful but the reality that it is based in is what will make all of it true. Till next time my beloved past, for when I have more accomplishments to tell you about. Live for yourself within our life story, a safe place for you, where no one can enter without your bid. Build up your courage so that the world may see what I see in you as I look back, a wonderful person with great potential and a lot to give to a world that unwittingly tore her down. Take care, love. 

To Loving Ourselves,

W.L.F.