0

“Ah, finally,” said 0. “A new fresh start! It’s been a difficult year, and I want to change for the better. And to change for the better, you have to start all over again!”

“Really,” ∞ said. “What have you done for the past year?”

“I killed myself.”

“Oh. Sorry about that.” ∞ looked at 0 as if he’d heard him say that line many times—he was getting tired of this. “Well, that must be why you have a new body. Sometimes you’re a boy, sometimes you’re a girl. And now you’re both.” 0 had indeed broken the biological limits. “But are you sure you’re not going to kill yourself again?”

“I’m sure of it. This time, I’m going to try praying to you every day, so that I can strengthen my hope. I don’t want to be number 1 or number 52—I’ll try to remain 0.”

“You’ve been telling me that every goddamn time when you die. I’m getting sick of this. Just do things without talking about them. Words are mere fragments of unreality—make them real.” ∞ was tired of seeing 0’s face, and he didn’t want to hear his or her voice or prayers anymore too—especially when he knew that 0 was liable to worship ∞ too eagerly as if he was a god or something. “Don’t you get sick of starting all over? Or more precisely—starting from a literal scratch?”

∞ and 0 were floating in this non-colored world. It wasn’t black nor white, not even gray—it didn’t have any colors, and unlike ∞, 0 could travel to another dimension. The settlement wasn’t the issue—it was his integrity and grit. ∞ felt annoyed each time 0’s discipline faltered because he knew that he or she was going to brag again about how more resolved he was now ever than before—after killing himself or herself once again.

“That’s an odd question,” 0 said. Then he realized something. “Why’d you ask something like that? That’s insensitive.”

∞ felt irritated. “Insensitive… How is that insensitive? I’m just asking if you’re getting sick of this nonsensical rebuilding of your life.” ∞ didn’t care anymore whether or not he or she committed suicide, so his current apologies were either perfunctory or insincere. “You think that next year is going to be better than the past year? Boy (or girl), do you have illusions.”

“That’s the point—I already told you that I’m going to change myself for the better since circumstances are out of my control. But I can control myself.”

∞ felt like laughing, but annoyance overthrew that laughter. “Control yourself, huh. If you manage not to kill yourself after a year, then I’ll actually start commending you. Get out of my sight and do you.”

0 stared at ∞ for a moment, almost wistfully, almost longingly. But ∞ didn’t care and had zero interest in him or her. Then 0 answered his earlier question: “It does get sickening at times. But I always have this feeling of refreshment every time I start anew. Like a snake stripping off its skin. Each time a new year comes, you always feel this hole in your life, making you guiltily reflect on your past year. When I was number 52, I was happy, but that happiness was unsustainable. When I was number 1, my success got too overwhelming to the point where my friends and family used me as a display. That happiness wasn’t sustainable too. And last year…yeah, that was pretty bad, so I had to off myself again.”

“Have you met 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I met her. She’s a cool person, but I think she can be strange at times. Why did you ask me that?”

“Last year she came to me and said that she wanted to be 0. Her new year’s resolution is to keep on decreasing herself until she becomes 0. Little did she know that she’ll just unnecessarily stress herself out instead of actually sticking with that kind of identity. Certainly, 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 doesn’t want anyone to probe her background. At least she’s not annoying as you, though.” ∞ paused. “You may already know this—you’re not the only 0 in this universe. In fact, there are many of them.”

You’re not special.

0 swallowed ∞‘s words hard as if he almost couldn’t accept it. “Yeah, but I’m going to make myself special by improving myself—so that I’ll become the best 0 of all 0s.”

“No.” ∞ glared at 0. “You don’t improve yourself. Instead, you try to live long. I’ve been watching you for years now. You have this maddening mentality that if you keep on improving yourself, you’ll find a better place to refuge into. Let me get this straight for you. You can never be satisfied.”

So. Try to live long.

“And don’t come back to me.”

0 looked at him with a hint of hopelessness in his or her eyes. “Am I just going to stop working hard? All this time, my new year resolutions were all for naught?”

“Your new year resolution is to stop making new year resolutions.”

“That sounds negative, don’t you think?”

“That phrase only works for undisciplined people like you—”

“But I’m disciplined! I try my best every day!”

“Now we’re just going on a loop.” ∞ sighed. “Alright, how about this. Let’s switch places. You become ∞ and I’ll become 0. That way, you’ll finally feel that satisfaction you’ve been seeking all these years.”

“What? That’s possible? You can do that?”

“I can. Only if you want to—”

“Let’s switch!”

∞ smirked. He felt he’d trapped 0 in a corner. “Okay,” he said, acting innocent. “There are two things you must do to remain infinite. First, you have to ̵ ̴ ̷ ̶ ̴ ̵ ̶ ̴ ̶ ̵ ̵ ̴ ̴ ̸ ̶ ̷ ̴ ̸ ̷ ̴ ̶ ̷ ̴ ̴ ̴ ̴ ̴ ̷ ̵ ̶ ̵ ̶ ̸ ̶ ̶ ̵, and second—you have to ̶ ̵ ̸ ̴ ̶ ̵ ̸ ̸ ̴ ̴ ̸ ̸ ̷ ̶ ̸ ̷ ̸ ̴ ̷. If you can’t do those two things, then you don’t deserve to be infinity. And the best part? You’re going to stay in this non-colored world for eternity, and you get to see a bunch of numbers seeking help—just like you.”

How’s that the best part, 0 thought, but he or she knew he or she wasn’t the type to turn down such an offer. He’d or she’d almost become every number, but he or she hadn’t tried becoming infinity.

“If you’re sick of becoming a number, then become a concept.”

For infinity will never be a number—thusly giving you the satisfaction you want.

0 nodded. “I’ll become infinity. I can do those two things you mentioned.”

“Then all you have to do is to touch me.”

0 touched him unhesitantly. At that moment they switched places. 0 would become ∞ and ∞ become 0.

But there was a catch.

0 didn’t become ∞. Instead, he became -∞.

And ∞ remained ∞.

“Huh?” -∞ said. “Why… Why am I not infinity?”

“You are infinity. Just negative.”

“And you’re not 0 yet—”

“What did you expect? I’ve tricked you. This is what you get for being too ‘under the illusion.’ You want to do a fresh start, and you ended up going way too backward. Changing your life won’t change your life.”

Understanding will.

“You have to understand that there are things you just can’t change. New year resolutions? Cut that crap. You’re just going to kill yourself anyway. So you’re better off as -∞. It suits you well.”

“You’re the one who’s negative here!” -∞ was on the verge of tears. “You always keep on discouraging me, you fake god!”

“Discourage? When did I ever discourage you? You’re the one who’s discouraging yourself. Oh, you’ve been sticking with that diet plan, but when you got fat again, you decided to kill yourself? What kind of mentality is that? This is why you should never keep promises every new year; otherwise, you’ll just wallow in self-disappointment. Oh, that one boss that psychologically tortured you, and when you finally quit, everyone starts condemning you? Then you start anew once again! Again and again and again—I’m sick of your shit, man. Or woman. Instead of improving yourself, why not try to live long as you can?”

-∞ was speechless. ∞ had seen through him or her. “So… Am I just going to accept my worst self? Is that what you want to say? You want to say that being fat and being unsuccessful is fine and dandy? That everything is fine as long as you live, even if you’re homeless and useless?”

“You still don’t understand it, do you.” ∞ looked around. “This is my place, so go find yours.”

“Wait, I want to go back to 0—”

“Too late. Goodbye.”

∞ sent -∞ off. To another dimension. -∞ found himself or herself flying and floating through another non-colored world. He or she instantly accepted his or her fate and moved on. Years upon years upon years, he or she finally met 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, who just committed suicide.

“I just can’t become 0, no matter how hard I try,” she said. “The best number I got was 1,000,000, but I rebounded back to 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. How do I efficiently decrease myself?”

“First of all,” -∞ said, “why do you want to decrease yourself? Is there a real reason for that?”

“I’m tired of being a large number. I want to live simply as 0. If I can help it, I’d also like to be negative.”

-∞ stared at her. Clearly he or she knew that she was still immature. “Your number looks cool to me. In fact, there are numbers way, way bigger than you. And I don’t even want to name them. I mean, do you want to be that one guy or girl whose number is 69? No, right?”

10^240 didn’t laugh. “I want you to decrease my number. You’re the God of Negativity, right? If you do that, then I’ll stop killing myself. Make it 0, please.”

“Why do you want to change yourself so badly…” -∞ couldn’t see any flaws in her. “Oh, before that… Happy new year.”

“Please. Make me 0 now.”

Even though -∞ convinced her that there were numbers infinitely larger than her, he or she still couldn’t shake off her feeling of insecurity. -∞ now thought that 0 was a boring number, and it wasn’t special. -∞ wanted her to accept her abnormality. She needed self-acceptance. She didn’t need to decrease herself.

“We can…switch places,” -∞ said, almost hesitantly.

“Yes!” 10^240’s face beamed. She didn’t even question his or her ability. “Please, I want to switch!”

-∞ looked at her for a moment. She didn’t seem to familiarize him or her. “Here, touch my hand.”

10^240 instantly touched -∞’s hand. She was too eager to decrease herself to the maximum. A moment later she found herself standing in -∞’s position, and with a smile, she looked at herself.

Then her smile disappeared.

-∞ looked at her with pity. She didn’t become -∞. Instead, she became her worst nightmare: ∞. “Huh…?” ∞’s tears welled up. “What did you do to me?”

“No, it’s not like that,” -∞ said. “You’re not a number. Thus I’ve freed you from the insecurities of having a large number. A non-number is better than a large number—”

“No!” ∞ burst out crying. “Not like this. Please! Turn me back!”

She reminded -∞ of himself or herself. Their self-nonacceptance was similar, leading to self-destruction. While -∞ wanted to increase himself or herself, ∞ wanted to decrease herself. The only way for them to achieve satisfaction was to stop being a number.

∞ hugged -∞.

She hugged -∞ because she thought it might make her come back to her original self. However, slowly they fused together, and -∞ just let her be. “I want to be 0. I’ve been really wanting to be 0—I’m tired of being strange. I want to be normal. I’ve been trying my best to live like a normal human being. I hate it when people don’t call me my name. Every new year, I’d promise to myself that I’d decrease myself 1,000,000 times every day—but I just couldn’t. I’ve met with the God of Positivity, but he was useless. And now I’ve come to you for the same reason.”

“You killed yourself twice just to meet us?”

“I’m that desperate. I want to have a fresh new start.”

-∞ sighed and smiled. “I want to have a fresh new start too.”

Again.

And once they fused.

0 was all there that was left.