Kokoro

My name is Kokoro. I am from the northern part of Japan. I am a woman and was “Onna-Bugeisha,” a Samurai Warrior to Tokugawa Shogunate. During the Boshin War, I fought to ensure Japan’s traditional way of life. The emperor of the Imperial Court wanted to restore political power in Japan. When the imperial forces invaded Aizu, I fought to secure the castle; however, I became trapped outside the castle walls. When I knew that capture was imminent, and I was stained in blood, I sought to fall on my sword. Before I could take my life, Takesha, a childhood friend my father forbade me to see, appeared out of nowhere and slaughtered the imperial soldiers nearby and threw me onto the back of his horse.

When I was a girl, my father, General Sakakibara Yasumasa, would push me to the limit when training for various combat techniques. I was 5 years old and one time, my body was so fatigued, I started to cry. My father left me in the courtyard as was the custom because he thought it would make me stronger.

Takesha, an 8 year old boy originally from the village of Seto, picked me up and carried me outside the entrance of my home (omoya or shu-oku). I remember looking into his eyes. I was just a little girl, but I remember seeing what looked like golden embers right in the middle of his pupils.

He sat me down gently and smiled. I smiled back at my friend and said, “Arigato Takesha”. 

After Takesha rode off with me on the back his horse, Ama no Fuchigoma, named after the mythological horse that was ridden by the God, Susanoo, and we were safe, we made camp. As the sun was setting, there was a reddish glow illuminating in the distance. I had not seen Takesha since my father’s edict 5 years earlier. We sat in silence and then slept on the ground underneath a Zelkova Serrata tree. 

When I was 15, I had been training to be a martial arts master for 10 years. I was devoted to the practice and wanted my father to be proud; however, when I looked at Takesha, I saw the most beautiful boy. I never had imaginings of being kissed or being with a man.

These thoughts distracted me from my training, and my father saw this. My father, the general, told me I was meant for greatness and Takesha would ruin all we had worked for. Besides, he was beneath me, according to my father. 

Takesha and I had been friends since we were kids, but it didn’t matter. I could not dishonor my father or give up my dream to be “Onna-Bugeisha.” It was different when we were kids. I was enamored by his beauty and the effect he had on me. He was 18 at this time, and the look in his eyes was fierce; It was piercing, and the impression of his gaze was seared into my memory.

There was a time when I feared Takesha was not the gallant friend I thought he was. I knew he adored me and would never hurt me, but I saw him be cruel to Kaito, another boy we grew up with in Aizu. I thought Takesha might burn him alive. 

I defended Kaito and screamed at Takesha,”Let him go!”

Takesha’s demeanor changed. He walked up close to me and ran his hands down my cheek and neck; he reached in closer and smelled my hair.

I was confused. “What was this fierceness? Why did the ember in his eyes turn black for a moment? Why did he touch me like that and smell my hair? Why was he cruel to Kaito?”

I spoke to Takesha one last time before the fall of Aizu and my attempted capture outside the castle gates. After his intrusive, yet intriguing touch and witnessing what I thought was his cruel side, I told him - I wish I had never seen that side of him. I equally wished he had never touched me, smelled me, or looked piercingly into my eyes.

I assumed my father scared Takesha away because I never saw him again until the moment Aizu fell, and I was determined to die an honorable death and fall on my sword. 

The next morning , Takesha took me to Seta and to his minka style home. Again we sat in silence and just stared at each other. Takesha broke our gaze and then began to prepare kushimono, a skewer of meat and vegetables. I was starving, so I forgot his presence and lost myself in the sustenance my body needed.

When I looked up, Takesha was staring at me again. He said, “Do you remember Kaito, the boy you defended all those years ago?”

I assured him - I did; “How could I forget! I had never seen you so cruel.”

Takesha laughed. “Cruel - You call me cruel - My Onna-Bugeisha? After all you have witnessed - Done - You, a trained killer of sorts - Call me cruel.”

Angrily, I snapped back, “You put his face inches from a flame; you dangled him there. It was merciless."

Takesha looked at me intently, “Do you remember when I carried you to the entrance of your home? Your father had left you there alone and crying. I was just a boy, but I wanted to comfort my samurai warrior in training. I knew, at that moment, you were all I wanted. I saw how you looked back at me when you were a little girl. I saw how you looked at me as you grew into a woman. You long for me as I long for you.We are bound together somehow. I know you feel it.”

“What I feel doesn’t matter, Takesaha.” I continued to explain, “I had to let you go as my friend, potential lover, or future husband. My father forbade me to have anything to do with you. I could not dishonor my father. Besides, when I saw you were capable of such unprovoked cruelty, I didn't even know who you were anymore. Takeasha, you almost burned Kaito's face off.”

Takesha grabbed both my arms and pulled me close, “Isn’t death a punishable offense for dishonoring a samurai warrior? Let me ask you this Kokoro, How far do you think I would go if someone dishonored you? I held his face to a flame, but I did not take his head, which is my right for dishonoring Kokoro,“Onna-Bugeisha,” a Samurai Warrior to Tokugawa Shogunate.”

It was at that moment, I was no longer “Onna-Bugeisha,” I was just a woman. And Kaito, the boy I had defended years ago, made insulting comments about me. This was enough for Takesha to bring fire to his face and defend my honor. 

I turned to Takesha, “Aizu has fallen. My father is dead. It was my duty to take my life upon defeat.”

Takesha took my face in his hands so gently, looked into my eyes and whispered, “Is it not customary to fall on your sword to escape dishonor of capture? You were not captured, Kokoro.”

I looked around this small village and realized, with all the combat training and philosophical lessons, nothing could prepare me for this bond I felt growing and glowing inside of me for Takesha.

He softly brushed my hair away from my face, “Korkoro, have you ever thought country life might suit you?” He slowly moved his hands down to my belly and rubbed it in a circular motion. Perhaps, motherhood suits you too.”

I had this feeling in my heart and opened my mouth to speak this feeling to Takesha, but the WORD eludes me. I thought to myself, “Does such a WORD exist to express such a powerful FEELING.”