Snow

The first snow of the season....and I was curled up on the window seat... a cup of Ghirardelli hot chocolate in my hand... a knitted afghan over my legs. I had used snowshoes to get here. A short hike from where I had parked the car...and it had been invigorating. The air was sharp and clean. I have always loved the way the air smells when it is just starting to snow. I love the first snow. Everything looks so pure...so pristine.....so clean....so perfect. 

    David and I had bought this cabin 4 years into our marriage. It was our getaway...so it comes as no surprise that we named it "Our Getaway." Kitschy....but we loved it. It was situated in the southern part of our home state of New Hampshire. Not too far from where we actually lived. 

   David and I had met in college. He was studying architecture.... and I was going for my teaching certificate....grades K --6. We were both lucky enough to find jobs before we even graduated. Me... at the local elementary school....David with an up and coming architectural firm.....that was into environmentalism and a green technology. 

   The school and the firm were both local ...which we were grateful for. We had started out renting a small house...on a side street...that suited our needs at that time. It was just the two of us...back then. 

The rent had been affordable...and we were able to save up for what we really wanted... a bigger house with lots of bedrooms.... a big backyard... and a large family to go with all of that. We were lucky. We were able to do that.   

   After a few years ....we bought our big house...a big light blue cape...out in the suburbs....but our one bedroom was it. No slide or swing set in the backyard. No sandbox. No babies. 

   Still... we remained hopeful.......We wanted that big family. 

   David and I had done well for ourselves...and our marriage was a good one. Still... being childless...I think we needed to compensate ...and Our Getaway was...in some ways....our first baby. It was our first big investment as a couple. 

   The cabin was sold as a "fixer upper." It needed a little work ...and as an architect... David knew a few renovations contractors who could do the remodel...and convert everything to solar and green. With his skill as an architect....he was happy to help out....and that lowered some of the costs. It took about a year to complete the work that needed to be done....and we were both thrilled when the cabin was finished. 

   I couldn't wait to furnish and decorate. I chose country chic. A style that I have always liked. The downstairs was one big room ..with an open floor plan. I chose pale powder blue.....dove gray ....and crimson .....as a color scheme. 

   A wide open stair went to the second floor...which was an open loft bedroom. Both floors had large working fireplaces...that kept the whole cabin as warm as toast. All winter we had regular wood deliveries from a local company. Cozy.... comfortable...it suited the two of us perfectly. 

   During the warmer weather we enjoyed the wide front porch....all the windows and the airy feel of the floor plan. 

   There was a small stream ...about a quarter mile from our cabin...and we were both avid fisherman. Our Getaway was the ideal investment. We felt blessed. 

   How could I possibly have foreseen the future? How could I possibly have known what the future would hold. No one can know that. 

    Three years later... David and I had the best news imaginable. I was pregnant! Finally! All the trying. All the plotting of my cycle.

    The ultrasound confirmed what I already knew. A girl! Finally. On September 12th 2014 our daughter was born. I have always loved the name , "Melanie." And that is what we named her. 

   My sister Janis and I threw ourselves into the excitement and expectation of Melanie's birth. We painted the nursery a very pale pink, with Winnie the Pooh.... a holdover from our own childhood... painted on every wall. We bought a Winnie the Pooh crib and the matching bassinet, lamp, rocking chair, mobile. Winnie the Pooh onesies, everything was Winnie the Pooh. 

    David laughingly helped us, and the three of us had a ball. David and Janny were both there with me in the local hospital birthing room. I thought the labor pains would kill me... until they placed that precious bundle in my arms. We brought her home like it was a royal event. 

      And the years slipped past. Melanie was a quiet child...and sometimes that troubled me. Her Pediatrician assured me she was just the quiet type. He was a good docor, and came highly recommended. 

    There was the first day of school and the flurry of activity that went with it. Before I knew it.... it was Melani 's sixth birthday ......and we invited her entire class. 

     David , Janny, and I spent the afternoon blowing up balloons and passing out dishes of cake and ice cream. David served as the Emcee for the games... and helped to distribute the prizes.....and put together the treat bags. The afternoon finally wound down.......and David cracked open a bottle of wine for me ...Janny and himself.  We could do "clean up" in the morning. 

     Janny excused herself about 9:00 pleading work the next day. I hugged and kissed my sister at the door... instead of walking her out and chatting... like I usually did ....and walked back into the living room. David was gone...and I assumed he was checking on Melanie. It had been difficult to get her to sleep... given all the activity and excitement and sugar of that afternoon. David had volunteered to give her a warm bath to help her settle down. 

       I tiptoed up the stairs and peeked around the half closed door. My eyes bugged out of my head. All my breath swooshed out of my lungs. I held onto the doorknob to keep from falling down. 

    David and Melanie were both nude. David was encouraging my little girl to touch his erect penis. I roared like a mother lion. I ran to the bed and snatched up my daughter. I raised one foot....and before David could say a word... I kicked him full in the face. Knocked him cold. I wrapped Melanie in one of her blankets... and carried her downstairs. I lowered her onto the couch and told her to stay there. I ran back upstairs into my and David's bedroom. I opened the gun safe. Grabbed the gun and made sure the safety was off. I held a pillow to David's head and pulled the trigger.....knowing full well the pillow would muffle the sound of the gunshot. That's what I was counting on. If this was all I could do to protect my daughter...so be it. 

   I threw the pillow on the floor. 

Tucked the gun into my waistband... and ran back downstairs to my daughter. I grabbed the car keys from the dish on the hall table.....and headed for the car... Melanie in my arms. All this time Melanie had remained silent. And that frightened me more than the scene in the bedroom. 

     I headed for Janny's pressing my foot down on the accelerator. It was beginning to snow. I drove fast but carefully. My mind racing. "Melanie...can you hear me?" I looked at her in the rear view mirror. She was staring straight ahead. 

     "I am so sorry," I began. Then I stopped. "You will be staying with Auntie Janny for a while...okay?" No answer....and I knew there would not be an answer. ,The thousand mile stare. I wondered for how long....how many times.....useless questions...since I did not know the answer. I thought about the bath ...and nearly threw up. 

    I pulled into Janny's driveway the car fishtailing a little. Her lights were still on...I would not have cared if they weren't. I grabbed my daughter and headed for the steps. 

     "Janny," I yelled, "Open the door. Open the door." 

     My sister's face appeared next to the pulled aside curtain. She took one look at me... at Melanie wrapped in a blanket in my arms. The door flew open and Janny flew out. Her mouth wide open as I handed her Melanie. 

     " It's David" I said. "I killed him. He was molesting Melanie. I don't even know how long it's been going on." 

     Janny backed away from me a few steps....her mouth still open. Melanie in her arms. 

    "She needs help Janny please call her Pediatrician. I don't know what I'm going to do. "

   I staggered down the steps heading for the car. Janny was still standing in the doorway holding Melanie. As I pulled out of the driveway... Janny was closing the door. Her face close to Melanie's. 

     I just drove. I didn't even know I was going to Our Getaway. My mouth twisted with the irony of that. It was My Getaway...now..... wasn't it?

      David was dead. I knew that for a fact. And I was running. Running. I pulled into the parking space downhill from the cabin.... ran around to the trunk and strapped on the snow shoes. I didn't bother locking the car. Was there a point?

   I started up the small incline that led to the cabin. All the hope in the world. All the promise in the world. One horrific act. One gunshot. And everything was over. Absolutely everything. I did not realize I was crying until I felt my tears freezing on my face.

How could he....and how long? 

    A wild squall of anguish broke from my mouth. I started to crumble. Then I realized I couldn't. I still had Melanie.

    I reached the cabin and pulled aside the terracotta planter and used the spare key to opem the door. I unstrapped my snow shoes and stepped inside. I grabbed the matches next to two lanterns and lit both. They were rustic ....but they provided enough light.  

     I squatted down....and lit a fire with the logs in the log holder....staring into the flames for a good long while. My mind a blank.

    Standing up..... I rummaged in the cupboard for what I once laughingly called my guilty pleasure. Would I ever laugh again? Would anything ever be funny again? 

   Girardhelli cocoa. I made my cocoa....stoked the fire and carried my cup over to the window seat. I threw the afghan over my legs... and watched the light snow drift to the ground. I had a daughter. I could not run. She was going to need me. I could not ask this of Janny...either. It was not her place to do this. 

    I was going back. I was going to turn myself in. I do not know whether I was crazy or not in that moment. That would be for others to determine...I guess. I drained my cup. Rinsed it in the sink and placed it in the strainer. I doused the fire....took one last look....knowing it would be a long time ...if ever....before I saw this cabin again....before I had a life again. 

     I strapped on my snow shoes and plowed through the light drift.... headed for my car. 

   Melanie was calling for me. And I was on my way.