Dreams Change

Tears fill my eyes, which are forced to a squint due to the elated smile occupying my expression. I made it, I think wholeheartedly. It was in this moment that I was consumed by the utter joy of achieving each and every goal I had once set for myself. I strut through my med school graduation ceremony as I feel each doubt and every fear that once existed in my head disintegrate into thin air. I had worked through never-ending tears, anxiety, missing out on the typical college experience, and the devotion of all of my time to the study of medicine for this moment. I make my way through the endless glasses of champagne and cupcakes topped with graduation caps that nearly every guest is carrying. I see the faces of my loved ones, many of which I have not been able to visit in years due my studies occupying nearly all of my time and find myself double-taking with each step I take as I notice the teenagers that I only recognize as children, friends now as parents with children, and parents now as grandparents with grandchildren. I shouldn't be surprised...I haven't seen many of my loved ones in four, some even eight years. My "old" life doesn't simply stop when I am not living in it. I understood what med school entailed when it came to the subject of visiting home. I traveled home during breaks, but I spent most of this time at the local hospital doing an internship and only really had time to see my immediate family. Because of this, people and their lives have changed, and I haven't been able to gradually witness these changes. Instead, they all were hitting simultaneously in this inconvenient moment. Despite this unsettling realization of the changes that somehow had gone unnoticed in my mind until now, I continue walking until I find my mother in the crowd. Before I can even decide to stop and chat, she makes the decision for me and quickly pulls me into her small huddle of distant relatives that claim to know me when I was as small as a mouse. The moment that I began to explore the idea of being a doctor only because of the television show Grey's Anatomy, which is nothing like reality by the way, she has been my biggest supporter. She took pride in the fact that she raised a doctor, and, in a way, it became her dream, as well. I'm not sure if her support is what encouraged me to get through med school or if I can take credit for completing the required schooling on my own, but I do know that the look of pride that filled her entire being in this moment made every last second of med school worth it. I felt as though the love and pride I felt in this moment put me on a high that I could ride forever. I continue to make my rounds throughout the entirety of the party, but, as the party begins to wind down, I decide to head up to my room that has remained mine in my parent's house. I take a few moments to take in my old space. I pull out the chair under my desk and sit down. I think back to high school and all of the hours that I spent sitting in this exact chair studying to get into a top university while my friends went to parties, took up sports, or did anything else to help them discover who they were. I think back to college, where I cried nearly every day because I wanted to change my major, but I didn't want to disappoint my mom. I think about med school, which took an immense toll on my mental health and made me question the "why" behind all that I was doing. I finally thought about the life that I could have had if I followed my heart instead of my brain. I knew I was gifted and felt as though it would be a disservice to the world if I were to take my heart's path, so I denied the idea of any other direction than becoming a doctor and never looked back. I have reached my graduation day, though. I made it out the other side, yet I notice something strange. And then it hits me as I revisit the thought that I had just visited just hours before: I had achieved each and every goal I had once set for myself. This thought continues running through my mind time and time again, consuming more and more of my conscious each moment until, suddenly, this rewarding day has turned into a regretful one. The rush that I was riding all throughout the night feels as though it has evaporated out of me, leaving me feeling empty of pride. I don't cry. I just sit and think. I think how my life could be if I had chosen to take my heart's path and discover my true passion, whatever it may be. I have lived through more than a decade subconsciously fearing what the world or my own mother might think of me if I don't use my gift to become a doctor. I never even explored all of the other ways that I could use my gift. All this time, I failed to realize that I wasn't subject to one path just because that is where I felt the world wanted me. The truth is, I would have made a difference with whatever I chose to do. I would have lived out high school, college, and post-college the way that I always wanted. Now, I have a fancy degree, but what is it worth at this point? I never wanted this life for myself, I wanted a life that others would praise me for. I have that now, but I abandoned the one dream that means the most in the long run: my happiness. Yes, I lived out my dreams...until they changed.