TLC For The People

Bobby stepped into the elevator. A full 150 pounds lighter. He flashed the now common toothless closed mouth smile and uttered the muffled sounds suggesting “hello.” He proudly pointed to his Commitment badge on his left lapel. It said, 

“I can’t talk

Because

My Lips are Sealed!

Tight Lips Corp”

His odd grin, bright red TLC badge, and emaciated look were all too common. Even though the hearings were about to start. He didn’t seem to care.

I planned my day around the hearings. My calendar says, “Hearings 1-3.” Many of us traders blocked our calendar just to watch the hearings. 

At 11am, I eagerly grabbed two hotdogs with relish, ketchup, and a knish. I filled a paper cup with mustard and settled in at my desk. I organized my desktop to optimize for quick movement of funds. As the hearings ebbed and flowed I wanted to trade for the highest returns. Surgical Assets Corp is on my watch. And I could get a big bonus if I timed my trades correctly. I could also go bust if I made a mistake.

I could hear the blenders at everyones desk growling as their powered water meals stirred into the famous blue, pink, red, black, or brown mess. “It’s your life! It’s your choice! You’re free to choose! 5 choices, 5 flavors, you choose your color, your future, and your life!” the ads said. I never understood how limiting you to 5 colors was freedom.

But people are desperate to lose weight. And Dr. Hyland’s innovation made it possible by sealing person’s lips so they could only use a straw. His inventive adhesive was originally made for surgery and emergency laceration repair. But his partner Mr. Weaver created Tight Lip Corporation to solve problems of everyday people. And dieting was a big hit. The two haven’t been in the same room since Tight Lip Corp announced the diet product.

I stood up from my desk and looked about the office. Badged people milling about, focused on menial work, quietly going about their lives drinking their meals from a straw. Only I was tense. My career was in the balance and this first hearing was about to start in 20 seconds.

My computer had everything needed to move billions of dollars with a click. The hearings would tell me if I could still consider Tight Lips Corp, stock ticker TLC, and Surgical Assets Corp, stock ticker SAC, good investments. Or if I needed to bail. At the first sign of a simple but non-fatal problem I was supposed to buy more stock in the dip. But at even the slightest hint of a catastrophic disaster I was to sell our position as quickly as possible without tanking the stock. The rumor was SAC was going to grow as it announced its safety and maybe new contracts. TLC was rumored to dive as it had nearly 90% market penetration. And people couldn’t stay on it forever. Lose too much weight and you die. I was ready for anything. 3, 2, 1, the hearings start.

Senator Anderson bangs his gavel and says, “This hearing is to determine the health risks, security risks, and the need for, if any, regulation regarding CIRA solutions and CIRA Diets. CIRA, as most of you know standard for “Cellular Ionic Rebondable Adhesives. Originally designed as a replacement for stitches and now used primarily to seal the lips of obese persons looking to lose weight and doctors to heal wounds. We’re here today to determine the safety of this unregulated chemical or drug. Before we begin would you please introduce yourselves Dr. Hyland and Mr. Weaver.”

“Yes. Thank you for inviting me here. I am Dr. Hylan, creator of Epidermis Ionic Bonding (EIB) adhesives and founder of Surgical Assests Corporation. I created EIB to help doctors and medical professionals heal wounded patients. But I made a mistake and wish I could undo it. My work has opened a pandora’s box and made…”

“SHUT UP EVAN!” Interrupted Mr. Weaver. “You’re a chemist. Nothing more. You’re not a philosopher, futurist, or fortune teller. Stick to the facts. I am Tom Weaver founder of Tight Lips Corporation which we lovingly call TLC. I own the rights to all Surgical Assets Corp technology through our recent acquisition of 52% of all Surgial Assets stock. I am the boss of Dr. Evan Hyland. You have to excuse him Senators. He knows chemistry but not how businesses operates or how TLC plans on using EIB to keep millions of people alive. I am here to help you understand my product is safe and even healthy when used as designed!”

“Mr. Weaver, one more outburst like that and I will hold you in contempt and we’ll do your testimony via video from prison. Understand?”, said Senator Anderson.

Mr. Weaver nodded and said, “Yes, Senator Anderson” 

I check my screen and see that Surgical Assets stock price is up and TLC’s is a bit down because of the just announced acquisition. Best to hold tight and see where this goes.

“Each senator will have 5 minutes to question Dr. Hyland and Mr. Weaver. Senator Trisha Smyth you are first.”

“Thank you Senator Anderson. Dr. Hyland, how does your EIB goop work?”

“Well Senator Smyth, to put it simply my topical solution modifies any cell it touches so that it bonds, semipermanently with adjoining cells. It’s like chemical stiches.”

“So it’s like superglueing the edges of a laceration?”

“Yes, and no. It will close a wound or join two sections of skin like superglue. But it works at the cellular level. So no scarring and you can use it on any cells both inside and outside the body”

“Isn’t that dangerous?”

“Yes and no. Application of EIB requires caution, precision, and care. But we have a co-functioning chemistry that reverses the effects of the EIB. Each EIB modified cell contains a specific chemical marker specifically made to enable us to undo the EIB cellular transformation. It’s called RIB which stands for Reverses Ionic Bonding solution. It targets only those modified cells and reverses the changes made by EIB. When handled properly it is perfectly safe. And we disable the cells ability to divide so it functions locally and in a limited fashion. Only were applied.”

“What would happen if that marker was destroyed or removed?”

“If that marker was destroyed or removed then the cells ability to bond would be irreversible. You could mechanically cleave the cells apart but they would immediately attach to the nearest cells they touched. But that is why I released EIB only after I created RIB. And the markers in the transformed cells are permanent. Since marked cells cannot divide this is a temporary localized solution. As the cells age and die they’re washed away the next time you shower. Your body heals and the normal cells left at the sight just act normal. Healed if the laceration was a cut, or soft and new if the cells were not connected, like when used to seal lips.”

I feel my tension lessening. Dr. Hyland is well respected. And his company may get through the hearings with minimal damage. I think about buying more Surgical Asset stock.

“Thank you for your answers Dr. Hyland. Mr. Weaver, is everything Dr. Hyland said true?”

“Yes. Senator Smyth. The line of products Dr. Hyland is aware of act as he just stated.”

“The line of products I’m aware of? Oh no, Tom, what have you done? What other product lines are you working on?”, said Dr. Hyland.

Mr Weaver quietly says, “You’re behind the times Evan.”

“Mr. Weaver, have you made more products related to what we are discussing here?”

“Yes, Senator Smyth. We are announcing a new product that eliminates some of the problems EIB and RIB had. Problems that impacted their market value and our ability to profit from them. Our products are now on a subscription platform. They are no longer temporary. They last the life of the user and user will pay us monthly for them.”

Dr. Hyland shoots up from his seat. His anger is visible. He looks at Tom and says, “Tom, did you remove the marker or make the cells self replicate?”

I can’t wait to see what happens next. In the fraction of a second before the answer from Tom I issue a sell order for all our Surgical Asset stock, $1.27 billion dollars worth. And I trigger a buy of $1 billion of Tight Lip Corp. My guess is that Tom Weaver, who has a military background, cut a deal with the military. And the military wanted a permanent solution. 

I see my orders go through virtually instantly because like me many other traders are taking their big shots today. 

Tom says, “Show some decorum Dr. Hyland. You don’t get to question me here.”

Senator Anderson says, “But we do Mr. Weaver. Please, sit down Dr. Hyland. Mr. Weaver, what changes did you make to the EIB and RIB solutions? And why?”

 “I modified the marker and made the cells able to replicate. The reason is because we want permanent solutions to injury and especially battle related injuries.”

 “Any other uses Mr. Weaver?”

“Senator Smyth, I can’t know all the uses today. When Ford invented the car he just sold them. He didn’t think about renting them. His mind was brilliant but limited. Like Dr. Hyland. I’ve switched our model from sale to renting or subscription. We no longer sell, we rent.”

 I made a correct move. Surgical Assests stock is taking a dive. Down 22% in the moments after I sold. And Tight Lip Corp is up 35%.

Dr. Hynand’s face turns white. His eyes roll into the back of his head. And he collapses. Senator Anderson bangs his gavel and shouts, “Get a Doctor!”

Doctor Carter runs to Dr. Hyland and checks his pulse. It is faint. He moves Dr. Hyland off the chair and lays him on the floor which is now a makeshift ER room. He checks pulse. Begins CPR. He takes out a a pocket defibrillator.

I check my stocks. Surgical Assets is down 90% since the beginning of the session. 

The hearing room is quiet. Doctor Carter checks for a pulse. He closes Dr. Hyland’s still eyes. A stretcher is brought in and Dr. Hyland is removed from the room.

Mr. Weaver says, “I think we should end the hearing don’t you?”

Senator Anderson says, “Sit down. The reason we’re having these meetings is to determine the safty of Dr. Hylands work. But it seems likes we really need to be focusing on your modifications of his work. We have been hearing rumors of EIB’s ability to be used for horrible things. Like enabling a military leader to cut open a person during an interrogation and then seal them back up without leaving a scar. All the pain but no proof or atrocities. We’ve heard that your cells can be transferred from one person to another simply by touch. And we’ve heard that you have made your products for sale to the highest bidder instead of them being sold in an ethical and reasonable matter. What do you say to these rumors and accusations? Mr. Weaver!”

“I say the following. All you say is true. I have multiple military contracts. The new cells can be transferred by touch. And they can be programmed to do exactly what we need. They can seal a wound or slowly close a person’s heart valves. Like you just saw happen to Dr. Hyland. But Senator Anderson, you forgot to tell everyone how you knew about the rumors. The reason, as you are well aware, is because you brought me the military deals and have been involved with me from the beginning. You’re a terrible man of the people Senator Anderson. Terrible.”

Bang Bang Bang, Senator Anderson’s Gaven smashes against his desk. He yells, “Bailiff, arrest Mr. Weaver right now!” 

Mr. Weaver calmly says, “You shook my hand Senator Anderson. Don’t you want to know what cells I transferred to you? Trust me, you want to know. Your life literally depends on it.”

Senator Anderson face is now white. He’s quiet. And he motions to the Bailiff to go away. 

Mr. Weaver pulls a candy out of his pocket. He opens it and pops it into his mouth. “You see this candy. It quells my cells for 30 days. If Evan took one he’d be here to finish this hearing.”

“GIVE ME ONE NOW!” 

“Quiet Senator, don’t interrupt me again. This is a hearing. And I want you to hear me. You sit here and meet out justice to others while you double deal, earn fat profits from insider trading, and make laws that don’t apply to you and your friends. Heck, your tax rate is even lower than most of the people you pretend to represent. Dr. Hyland was in your pocket. He was a tool against the people. I’m a tool for the people.”

“What are you talking about Mr. Weaver. And what are you accusing Senator Anderson of?”

“Senator Smyth, I’m accusing Senator Anderson of corruption and dereliction of duty. Not performing the work of truly representing his constitutes. But I am also accusing you too. But before you interrupt me, it’s important to remember you all visited my facilities 6 months ago. There you shook my hands, drank my libations and ate lunch with me. Each of you has been dosed with my latest product. And the results are amazing. You saw how quiet and peaceful Dr Hyland left us. You too can enjoy a peaceful death in the next 24 hours. Or you can sign up for our 30 Days of Life Program. At the beginning of each month you’ll get a candy that gives you 30 days of life for one low price of 32% of your income.”

“That’s ridiculous! It’s more than I pay in taxes!”

“Yes! It is Senator. I want you to learn to live like the rest of us. Playing our fair share. And living within the rules and laws you created. You’re finally going to be one of the people. Or you won’t get your candy and you’ll die. By the way, everyone you touched during the 6 months since you’ve been to my office is also dosed. So I’ll need a list of those people too. And since we have upgraded the cell markings I’ll mistresses and backroom dealing partners too.”

“Mr. Weaver, there must be a way to reverse this and a deal we can make that is more reasonable than what you are suggesting.”

“Senator Anderson, don’t be scared. Transfer your first payment and I’ll give you the correct candy to give you your first month.”

A Government Sealed Image pops up on my computer screen. The hearing was taken private. 

Tight Lip Corp is 50x right now. I sell $40b and leave $10b in the stock. My bonus is going to be huge. I write a resignation email and tell my boss to direct deposit my commission. 

I book a flight to a small island I have been dreaming about. Put on some latex gloves from the janitors closet. And put on my jacket. It’s 92 degrees outside but I want every inch of my body covered. I realize I can’t touch anyone or I too will be dosed. I dream about being away from it all so life won’t infect me. And I agree to never speak about this to anyone. Apparently my lips are sealed too.