Barbie Comes to Los Angeles

July 1, 2022

Lost Angeles Reporter - 

“Talk of the Town” Column.

-BARBIE COMES TO LOS ANGELES-

(Top-Secret Pics Included!)

Rumor has it that Barbie was seen

on our very own Venice Beach in LA, on

Monday. An onlooker (who has asked to

remain anonymous) snapped a picture of

Barbie, standing next to none other than

her known lover and admirer: Ken himself.

(Go to page 2 for an exclusive sneak peek!)

The onlooker stated that Barbie saw

the camera - and begged for the photo to be

deleted - but the picture was saved, and later

shared with the Lost Angeles Reporter. A

photo of Barbie - in the flesh, no less -

is undoubtedly priceless.

The anonymous onlooker states

that Barbie and Ken were later spotted

at a nearby gazebo selling Western-style

attire. Barbie and Ken allegedly left the store 

wearing new, name-brand Western-style 

outfits, but had failed to pay.

When the merchant who owned

the clothing display came running after

them yelling, Barbie and Ken stopped

and turned around. Barbie appeared

dumbfounded, and reportedly told the

man she was Barbie - then seemed

confused when he did not take this

as a sufficient rationalization for not

paying for the clothes.

Then, according to

our anonymous (but veritable)

primary source, Ken evidently

felt threatened by the salesman,

and challenged him to a fight.

This did not go over well - as the

salesman allegedly told him that

he “would never fight a girl’s doll.”

He then proceeded to demand pay-

ment for the clothes they’d worn

out of his store.

According to our trusted

witness, Barbie then pulled multiple

hundred-dollar bills out of her purse

but was deeply offended when the

angry man said that he did not

accept Monopoly money.

At this point in the game, 

our beloved Barbie and Ken

evidently came to the realization

that even celebrities are nothing

without money. They both took

off running - in opposite directions.

The man proceeded to call the

police and give a description of the

suspects: “Two life-size dolls,” he

said. “Both blonde. One male,

approximately 6 feet tall. One 

female, of medium height. On

the run, wearing stolen goods.”

The salesman allegedly

hung up shortly after describing

the offenders - apparently disgusted.

When questioned by some on-

lookers, he stated that the police

had told him to “Go home, and

have a strong drink.”

As a result of

this understandable yet

undoubtedly repressive

reaction on the part of police,

the thieves successfully escaped

on foot - and were able to keep

the clothes, without further det-

ainment.

Shortly after this less-than-

positive interaction with the merchant

by Venice Beach, both Barbie and Ken

were arrested - after word got around

that they had just been arrested earlier

the same day, for slapping a man on the

beach upside the head.

Very soon after their arrest, Ken

disappeared - according to authorities.

Barbie, upon realizing that she was left

alone in a jail cell with only Monopoly money -

and the clothes she’d stolen - at her disposal,

evidently set off alarms at a police station in

Barbie Land. Which of course, is nearly useless,

as everything in Barbie Land is perfect (and

the police, therefore, have no experience with

dealing with actual problems). But the president 

of Mattel (who lives and works right here

in Los Angeles) got wind of the situation and

sent a very scary-looking black, shiny car to 

get her.

The president of Mattel (and creator of 

Barbie Land!) was very upset that Barbie had 

“messed things up.” He said that dolls were not 

supposed to try to be humans - and when they do, 

it can cause big problems. He warned Barbie that 

if she “didn’t want to turn into Weird Barbie,” she

needed to get back into her box, right away.

At the sight of her old box - which she

hadn’t seen in ages - Barbie was at first struck

with a sudden wave of nostalgia. But the comf-

orting feeling didn’t last; as soon as the Mattel

employees started to tie her into her box, Barbie

began to feel frightened and anxious. She did not

know what this feeling was - but interviewers who

asked her about this experience after-the-fact

were able to inform her that the feeling she

had been experiencing sounded like an episode

of claustrophobia.

Barbie allegedly told reporters and invest-

igators during her interview that “a disorder or

a problem like that couldn’t be right.” When asked

why, she responded that it was of course because

she is Barbie, and Barbie “does not have mental

illnesses or disorders.” Barbie always has a perfect

smile, is always in perfect health, and is always 

perfect.

Shortly after the interview, Barbie disap-

peared without a trace - and since Ken had evap-

orated before the questioning was conducted,

the Los Angeles police department was left

with two empty jail cells, and no suspects. They 

did find a single, one-dollar bill on the floor of 

Barbie’s cell, however - which they assumed

must have fallen out of her pocket, earlier.

According to investigators who were

interviewed for this column, the entire police

department (including the cars) were covered

entirely in disarmingly adhesive, pink glitter.

All of the information provided thus far

on the situation Barbie encountered at the Mattel

company was gleaned from investigators after

Barbie was interviewed. This is mainly due

to the fact that upon request from our staff

to be interviewed, he very starkly refused

and said that he “has no comment.”

All of the staff here at the Lost

Angeles Reporter were thrilled to hear

this story of coming-of-age for Barbie.

We are big fans over here, and we kindly

request that if anyone happened to capture

a snapshot of Barbie and Ken getting arrested

in their neon aerobics outfits, we would be 

more than pleased to get a copy or two.

Please keep an eye out for our beloved 

Blonde, and let us know if you see her around. 

We’d love to get the chance to interview her 

for ourselves - and it would be oh-so-perfect 

for next week’s “Talk of the Town” column if 

Barbie appears “weird”...or any less than perfect.