Lettert to Daisy

Dear Daisy,

You fell to the floor. I was so scared. Your friends were so scared.  Some people stopped to help you but others continued dancing. Luckily, someone started performing CPR on you. What took seconds felt like an eternity for you to wake up. When you did, the pupils in your eyes were so wide and big. I didn’t recognize the girl in front of me. But then, without warning, you stood up and started dancing as if nothing had happened.  And so did everyone else.  It was the  first night of Spring Break and you and your friends were so excited to be in Cancun. 

I know you have no recollection of this overdose. I know you were wondering why everyone avoided you like a plague during the rest of your spring break. I know you felt alone but didn’t understand why. When you found out about this years later, I know how shocked, ashamed and guilty you felt. I did the best I could to repress those memories. 

This was your second overdose. The first one was equally horrible, not that an experience like this could be anything but devastating. I know you didn’t mean to harm yourself. I know you felt lost and alone during most of your life. 

The first time you were with your boyfriend. Without hesitation, he called 911. I know you remembered what the paramedic said to you when you woke up. He said, “whatever it is, it’s not worth dying over.” I know those words burned a hole in your heart and the void in your soul just got bigger. I know you tried really hard to break that addiction, break up with your boyfriend and how hard that battle was to overcome. But, you did. You changed your life, or at least tried to change. Until your next addiction with the next boyfriend. I know you were angry with yourself and the world, wondering why this was happening over and over again.  

Dear Daisy,

Listen to me, your addiction controlled you most of your life. It’s not your fault. None of it was. I know not knowing the details of the accident from 2019 triggered a series of breakdowns. You thought about ending your life with a cup full of poisonous flowers blended into a shake. Romantically morbid, as it sounded,  you didn’t go through with it. Instead, the overwhelming pain you felt inside, you inflicted onto your body with a razor blade. I know you were hurting. I know once you are overwhelmed with emotions you can’t handle, you shutdown for a long time. I know things are tough right now but I promise it will get better.  

Dear Daisy,

You are now homeless. What are you going to do? Where can you go? Your family won’t take you in, your son went to live with his dad. Do you not see a problem with this pattern?

Dear Daisy,

I’m so proud of you for deciding to do this. I know it was a difficult decision. Don’t think of it as a mental institution, think of this as a huge step towards a new beginning. You are finally getting help. I know you’ve been waiting for this moment your whole life. As someone said, “You must forgive yourself and leave the guilt and shame behind you. Don’t go about carrying your past mistakes as a burden on your shoulders. Make the necessary amends and push forward.”

Dear Daisy,

I can’t believe how you flourished while you were in the institution. You had several milestones that you should be very proud of. As you sat in group therapy, you uttered the words I know you thought you would never say out loud, nevermind to a group of people. But, the people weren’t just a group of strangers. They became your friends and then your family. You knew that no matter what you said in front of them would not be judged. So, when you said, “My name is Daisy and I’m a recovering addict,” you were trembling from shame and had your eyes closed. However, as you opened your eyes, unlike the times you overdosed, you only saw a room full of supporting nods and warmth in their faces because they knew how hard it was to be in your seat. 

The psychologist gave a diagnosis of your condition. He said you are bipolar. I know you didn’t believe him at first but then the medication you were on was working.  You were starting to feel happy. I see how your eyes shine and how bright your aura is. I know you realize your mania was a chemic 

You learned what addiction is and how to cope with it. You learned the necessary tools to now fight it. You are starting to trust in yourself and realize the battle will not be so hard as time goes on.

Dear Daisy,

I’m sorry I did all this to you. It was my fault, never yours. I never meant to put you through so much misery.  I’m sorry for all the pain I inflicted on us. But, you are healing beautifully. I’m barely a mist since you sought out help and now as I write my final letter to you, I’m fading out so you can be the person you always wanted to be. You no longer need me. Just because I am you, just remember I was only a small piece of you. You would have never done any of those things to us. Now, you don’t need to hold onto dear life, you just need to breathe and live this beautiful life as the beautiful person you are. 

Dear Addict,

I wrote you a poem. My psychologist suggested writing. It’s actually wonderful advice. Writing is a great outlet for unleashing my emotional baggage. I have a hard time expressing how I feel to anyone and especially asking for help. I’m working on this. I don't need you anymore. Goodbye Addict.

Mended Wings 

My broken wings have mended 

I’ve stopped thinking about the whys 

I’ve stopped all the cries 

All of that has finally ended 

Grateful I’ve learned some hard lessons

It was tough to handle all that messin’

I didn’t think my heart could have takin’ 

Anymore beating but it still beats 

In fact, the sound is louder 

The blood that once bled 

Now only travels throughout my veins 

And settles in my brain

It could be from the seven different

types of medicine 

But I’m not complaining 

No more shame 

Who cares for labels 

Cause now I am able 

To show the real me 

Hot diggity darn, what a beautiful feeling

What a beautiful sight

To shine this bright 

So I thank you Universe

For showing me the way

Just a few more steps 

And I will be able to fly