Womb Vacancy

Womb Vacancy

By: S. M. Kiel

Not Again; the tears started rolling down my cheeks, my eyes were glued to the plastic little wand gripped tightly in my shaky hands. The words ``Negative” staring back at me through the clear plastic window at the left side of this wand. My heart sank like a rock in the ocean. The pressure in my chest tightened as I started to sob silently in the bathroom, not waking to wake my sleeping husband. I knew that he would look at me with the same disappointed eyes. He was already withdrawing from me with each passing day. To him this was becoming more of a job. Just this one, he is not getting paid to do. 

Am I broken? Did I do something in my life that God is punishing me for? Another upcoming doctor's visit to be told that everything looks good, yet here I sit, childless, for another month. My womb remains empty; like an abandoned mine that no longer holds the rare gems many once went after.  I don’t know how many more times can I go to my OBGYN and lay there with my legs in the stirrups and look at the ultrasound screen and see that everything is healthy. The eggs are growing, dropping, and my body is finally doing what it is supposed to do. But looking at this negative test  screaming “You Failed Again”. 

I dropped the mean little stick in the small waste basket next to my toilet. It was not going to taunt me too. I washed my hands and splashed water in my face. I Am having lunch with my girlfriends and I’m not going to allow this to bring me down on my day off. It was time to plan our yearly women's retreat and I was not going to allow this one set back to steal that joy from me. At the same time, it will be good for my husband and I to have some time apart. I don’t need to remind him that I still have not given him what he wanted. But if he only knew the pain that I living in , for I truly believe that my soul cries for it more and for the past year I have been crying myself to sleep over this continuous failure that has been plaguing my life. What kind of woman can I be, if I couldn't  bare a child for the man that I love? 

There was a puzzle piece missing and I knew it. But there was nothing that I could do to change it. It was not in my control. I dried my face, sprayed on some perfume and walked out of the bathroom with my head held high and my confidence lacking. I went into my closet and put on a long olive green top and a pair of blacks leggings. Then I grabbed my tan boots heading for the living room when I heard my husband roll over. 

“Morning,” He gave a sleepy grin. “Heading out to see the girls?”

“Yep, Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you,” I said, trying not to show him that I was upset. “Go back to sleep. I will see you in a couple of hours.” 

“Yeah, you got to get caught up with the latest gossip I’m sure,” He let out a dry laugh. 

“You know it,” I gave him a forced smile. “Is there anything you need me to pick up from the store? I mean when I am heading home?”

“Nope,” He said, rolling back over and starting to snore once more.

He is not even going to remember this conversation when he wakes back up. He’ll  just send me a list of things he will want from the store later. I just walked out and quickly put on my shoes, grabbed my keys, mini backpack, and locked the door on the way out. 

I got into the car, took in a deep breath as if I just walked out of a job interview knowing that I didn’t get the job even though they said they are going to set up a second interview. Sometimes I start to wonder would it just be better to walk away and let him find a newer model wife that could pop out babies like a natural made baby doll factory. He could have all the babies he wanted until his head started spinning off his shoulders. A house smelled of diapers, Destin, and mommy milk. Oh, what I would give for that. 

I was not even sure when I started the car; But here I was looking at our lunch spot on the Chattanooga River. I got out of my car and headed inside to see my three closest friends laughing at each other. At least they were in good spirits and that will brighten my mood from the numbness trying to sneak it’s way into my body. 

“Ella, You are finally here,” Joanna said, standing and rushing over to me. “We started to think that you were being held hostage in your own bed and might have to break in and free you from Adain’s arms.”

“Not a chance,” I smiled back as we embraced each other. “This lunch is way too important to miss. I mean it would be a whole another month if I didn’t make it.”

“True,” Joanna grabbed my arm dragging me to the table. 

“Guess I don’t have to call the police after all,” Sarah laughed. “You know I got Doug on speed dial.”

“Is he working today?” Amanda asked. 

“Yep, he started his early morning shifts at the end of last week,” Sarah said. “Which works for me, because now we both get off work at the same  time and we can spend more time together finally.”

“That’s always good,” Joanna said. “So What new in ya’ll life since last month. Well, besides Doug’s hours changing?”

“I’ve been waiting the last two weeks to finally see my girls to tell you all…”  Amanda paused for a moment as a smile grew across her face. “Doug and I are pregnant.”

“Congratulations,” we called together as I felt a sharp stab in my heart and then in my gut. 

“How funny,” Said Sarah. “I learned on Monday that I am pregnant too. Yet, I have not told James.”

My soul just sank as the image of the negative test floated back into my mind as if I was holding it in my hands waiting to show them. Here; two of my bestest friends are having babies and me with nothing to show for the years of trying. But I was not going to allow my failure to rain on their joys. 

“It is like a dream come true,” Joanna said. “We all planned to be moms around the same time so our children can grow up together.”

“Wait, what….” I looked at Joanna as the words brought me back to reality. 

“I have been Pregnant for a little while and have been praying that you all would catch up to me.” Joanna laughed. “Going into my fifth month. it ‘s been the hardest secret to keep and I was going to share it with you all today. I mean, I could not allow you to think that I was just growing fat.” 

“So, Ella…” Amanda said. 

All their faces were looking at me, I was not sure what my face was saying. But my mind said get up and run for your life. But that was not the words that came out of my mouth. I was not going to let them see the jealousy growing with every passing minute that was ticking by. It was almost like I had a clock screaming in my head saying Your biological clock is running out.

“I am too,” I lied. What was I thinking? How could I just lie to my best friends like that? What is wrong with me? “I took the test this morning.” 

“OMG,  I can’t believe that we all were able to keep our high school pact.” Amanda squealed. “This is so awesome. We can have a huge baby shower and a four way gender reveal party. Well, If you have not already found out the gender of your baby, Jojo!” 

“Of course not,” She laughed. “Kevin knows though...he just could no longer wait until you all decided to catch up with us.” 

We ordered lunch and talked about possible baby names and then Sarah made a comment that we should all try to move into the same neighborhood. And here I was thinking I need to move to the moon. Not on a street that would continually remind me that I failed and the high school pact was broken.  My brain was screaming to stop lying to them. You’re only digging yourself into a deeper hole. But part of me would rather believe that, then I was the failure of the pact. I could not deal with two major life failures in one day.

That's when my phone rang.  I looked down and saw that it was Adian. Oh, thank the good Lord. I excused myself from the table telling them that I have not been able to share the great news with him yet since he had been sleeping. I walked outside to get some air. I’m going to need it after all the suffocating lies that I have been telling them. 

“Hey, Honey,” I asked my phone. 

“You and the girls having a great time?” Adain asked. 

“Always do,” I started tapping my foot hoping that he was about to ask me to go pick him up something to eat. 

“I was thinking about maybe us going out for dinner tonight,” His words came as a little of a shock. I don’t remember the last time we went out on a date. 

“Really, I would love that,” I felt a real smile cross my face. 

“Awesome,” He sounded excited for the first time in a long while. “I will see you when you get home.”

The phone ended the call and for the first time today I started to feel a little better. I turned to see that my friends were heading out to meet me. Part of me wants to run to my car, get in and drive straight home right now. But they were already opening the door and were standing right in front of me.  What could I do but smile like the lying idiot that I was. 

“Don’t worry, we took care of your check,” Joanna said with a beaming smile on her face. “So what did he say?”

“I decided to tell him in person,” I said. It really wasn’t a lie. I never said that I was going to tell him I was pregnant. Just that I was going to talk to him in person. Did that make it any better? 

“Okay, well next lunch, we will show off our first baby pictures,” Sarah said. “I am heading to the Doctors right now to get my first ultrasound and first picture of my baby. She or he will be so excited that he or she has three already amazing aunts.” 

Everyone was so excited, here I stood growing angry. Joanna jokes about having to find her first ultrasound picture of her baby. And how fitting that she has the first child. We all did follow her around school like she was some kind of royalty. I don’t need this, I don’t need to be hanging around them anymore. Better for me to find new friends. Maybe single female friends that would not have any children. So that way I would feel like the fourth wheel, more like a flat donut. 

“We same time next month ladies,” Amanda said. “I can’t wait.”

Oh, I could wait; for my life to be over. It's not like they are going to forget that I claimed that I was pregnant too. I mean how many months would they still believe it when my womb doesn’t start to expand. Then what do I say, I had a miscarriage? That would just be wrong; could be worse than the lied pregnancy in the first place. I was just at a loss, I was growing angry that my friends have been working on this for a shorter amount of time and here they all were about to me a mom. The one thing that I have been dreaming about my whole life and I am the one standing here with the womb vacancy.