The Scent of My Yearning

She had never wanted someone as much as she wanted him.

The scent of her yearning was exquisite; a man who ignited a slow burn in her soul, one that expanded in the most inexplicable way, and set her senses on fire. It happened on a fine spring day and was instantaneous, and took her completely by surprise.

From the first time she'd laid eyes on him, she wanted him. To say that she longed for him...yearned for him...was an understatement.

When she masturbated, it was him that she fantasized about bringing her to orgasm.

His name was Jeff, and he owned a small residential landscaping company. They met when she applied for a job there. She'd been a tomboy who'd grown up with three older brothers, played touch football, helped her oldest brother when he worked under the hood of his '76 Camaro, learned how to change out an electrical outlet, and she gravitated towards work of a physical nature.

On this day, he was planting a small dogwood. She recognized it immediately as her family had one in the backyard of her childhood home.

He was a beautiful man. Drop dead gorgeous, masculine, well-built with a great tan, and his handshake held the promise of something that was warm and alluring. But mostly it was in his eyes what she gleaned in a split second: there was much more to him than just a pretty face.

After a short interview, during which she talked about her extensive knowledge of gardening, flowers and plants, pruning the rose bushes in her front yard, and her knack for creating beautiful flower beds, he hired her.

"You can start tomorrow." he told her smiling. She left there with a big smile on her face, adrift on a glorious endorphin high.

Over the next few months, she mowed lawns, trimmed hedges and shrubs, pruned rosebushes, planted all varieties of flowers and plants and even set up a bird feeder for one customer. It was the best job she'd ever had. She loved working with him and being his right hand person.

They were a team, and she knew not to cut corners as he was meticulous in his work and strived to deliver an outstanding result for his customers.

To her delight, the two of them became good friends and talked about everything. He'd been married for a short time to a woman who'd cheated on him and this had hurt him terribly (what woman in her right mind would want to cheat on him, she wondered.) He'd talked about his relationships with ex- girlfriends, the places he'd traveled to, Trudy, a dog he'd loved that had been hit by a car. "I cried myself to sleep." he told her.

It thrilled her when his arm touched hers; the warmth of his skin caressed her soul ever so nicely. She found herself daydreaming about him in the evenings when she was home by herself. He brought her coffee, took her out to lunch for her birthday, helped her with repairs around her house, They liked each other. In Jeff she'd found a kindred spirit, a twin flame. A strong affection for him had taken root...and with that...a yearning that was expanding.

And then there was Ashley...his girlfriend: "she's a good girl...but she's temperamental..." he'd said.

Tangled up in a web of emotions; desire, longing, frustration---this yearning left her feeling restless and the weight of wanting someone ---so close---yet out of reach---had become like a separate entity within her.

On this Monday morning, while drinking coffee from Starbucks, Jeff said, "I don't think me and her are going to make it."

"Why...what's going on?" she asked, turning towards him in the front seat of the truck, eager to hear the latest developments.

"She started talking about us going on a cruise to the Bahamas for four days. I don't wanna take off to go to the Bahamas..." he said, unequivocally.

Erica sat there listening and felt ecstatic at this turn of events: if he broke up with her, the two of them might have a shot.

"She's at the house all the time... The truth is--- I need a break from her...not a trip to the Bahamas on a ship where I'm cooped up in a cabin with her for four days." he said, his voice rising in anger.

"I can't stand being smothered in a relationship." she said. taking a sip of her coffee. "Everybody needs their space."

"This weekend I blew up and told her that. Then she started crying and yelling, 'I thought you loved me'...she's a drama queen. I had to get out of there so I took a long drive to clear my head." He paused for a moment then said, "I want out of this relationship." he told her.

They pulled up in front of a Cape Cod with a front lawn dense with grass a foot high. "Looks like we've got our work cut out for us," he said as he surveyed the condition of the property. They got out of the truck and got to work.

She got on the riding mower and started mowing the lawn, feeling energized by the conversation; the lawnmower glided across the tall grass. Hope springs eternal.

They were as close as two people who'd never slept together could be, and for awhile, that was fine.

"Wadda ya say we go get something to eat?" he said, after they knocked off for the afternoon.

"Sounds good to me," she said, feeling happy. The truth was she was always happy when she was with him. He brought out the best in her.

Over cheesesteak subs she reminded him that her party was on Saturday evening. "I'll be there," he said.

Flash forward to Saturday night. The party was in full swing out in the back yard. She'd hung lots of brightly colored lanterns and there were tiki torches around the perimeter of the yard. The smell of burgers and hotdogs on the grill drifted through the air.

There was a long picnic table set up on the patio with pasta salad, cole slaw, potato salad, macaroni and cheese, corn on the cob and a big tossed salad, and some desserts; cheesecake, a hazelnut torte, and a devil's food cake.

There was music and the booze was flowing. And everybody was happy. Especially her, having just been informed by Jeff that he and Ashley had split earlier that day.

"I feel better already," he said, taking a swig of his beer, looking relaxed and handsome in a white polo shirt and black jeans. She wanted to give him a big hug, so overwhelmed with joy was she at the latest news. The glorious scent of gardenias drifted across the yard.

She watched as her cousin, Penelope, walked towards her carrying a bottle of wine. "Hi Penelope," she called, waving.

Penelope was pretty; a petite thirtysomething with shoulder length blonde hair, a perfect tan, hot pink toenails, and green eyes fringed by long lashes. She was a dental hygienist. "Hi Erica!" she said smiling, "Here's a bottle of white."

"Thanks."

"This is Jeff," she said, taking a sip of wine.

They shook hands, and Erica couldn't help but notice that Penelope had the same appreciative look on her face that she, herself, wore when she first met Jeff---like she'd struck paydirt.

When Erica had called her to invite her to the party, she mentioned that Jeff would be there, but didn't tell her that she was falling for him. Penelope was so competitive and didn't think twice about going after another woman's man; something Erica had a disdain for, but accepted as a shortcoming in Penelope's character.

"I'll let you two get acquainted," she said, smiling as she turned and headed towards the grill. She had worked up an appetite.

She sat down to eat with her friends who were sitting in chairs around the table holding plates of food and eating.

Twenty minutes later, she noticed that Jeff and Penelope were still talking and laughing together, and she knew instantly that she was jealous, and wondered why in the world she would be surprised that Penelope would hit it off with Jeff...and why she'd invited her.

Obviously, he was irresistible.

The two cousins had done a lot of clubbing together when they were in college. One night when they were out driving around Penelope said, "Hey--- there's a cute guy who's in my Biology class who lives in this neighborhood...let's stop by his house and say, hi."

"Okay," Erica said. "What's his name?"

"Randy."

A few minutes later they pulled up in front of a split level with a big Catalpa tree in the front. Penelope jumped out of the car and walked up the front lawn and knocked on the door, and the two of them stood there waiting for someone to answer the door.

A cute guy in a blue t-shirt and cut-offs opened the door smiling broadly. "Hey Penelope...what's happening?" he asked.

"Hi!. Me and my cousin Erica were just driving around when I remembered you lived up here. How are you?"

he said. "Hi Eica," he said extending his hand to shake hers.

"Hi," she said, cheerfully.

"Come in, ladies." he said, grinning sheepishly.

The two of them walked inside where there were many beautiful plants in the entranceway. "I'll take you on a tour of the house," he said. "Wanna beer?" he asked them.

"I'd love one." said Penelope

"Me too," Erica said, smiling. Gosh he's cute...she thought...he had lean legs and an athletic build with broad shoulders. They followed him into the kitchen where he opened the frig and took out three bottles of Michelob and handed the beers to them. They followed him down a set of stairs into a club room with more exotic plants, a rattan sofa and chairs upholstered in a leopard print, an enormous glass table, and a fireplace at one end of the room.

A big shaggy dog was laying on the tiled floor. "That's Oscar. Hey boy...say hello to Penelope and Erica," he said. Oscar jumped up and Randy pet him.

"What an adorable dog!" said Erica as she kneeled down to pet him. "Hi there...aren't you a cutie?" she exclaimed.

Adjacent to the clubroom was another room, the doorway of which was strung with many strands of long beads. "This is where my parents have Happy Hour and watch one minute of 60 Minutes before diving into their tumbler sized vodka martinis with a splash of verm..." he said, grinning.

They both laughed. His mother sure had a knack for decorating: there was a shaggy sea foam green rug on the floor, grasscloth on the walls, lots of tapes and records and a stereo and tv to the right, some bean bag chairs, a round table in the center, over top which hung a cool lamp that Randy turned on.

"This is the perfect room to party in," said Penelope, admiring the decor, while at the same time checking out Randy's cute butt.

For the next hour the three of them sat in the bean bag chairs drinking beer and shooting the breeze. It didn't escape her that Penelope saw this as the perfect opportunity to flirt with Randy, touch his arm, laugh at his jokes--- and that Randy liked it.

He told them that he'd wanted to be a vet since he was seven, and hoped to get into Veterinary school after he graduated from college. He played the bass guitar and was on the swim team at school. His parents had an enormous RV that they traveled cross country in and had been to all 50 states.

Out in the car, after they left, Erica said, "He's cute. I like him," she announced, sounding happy.

"But I like him," Penelope shot back.

Meaning he's off the table for you, Erica thought to herself.

"You do? I thought you said you really liked that guy, Steve, you're seeing, and that you're going away for the weekend with him." Erica said pointedly.

She could tell by the look on her cousin's face that she was stuck for an answer.

Just once, she wished her cousin would consider that she wasn't the only one who was a red-blooded American woman. She felt a bit annoyed with Penelope. She knew from experience that she could be self-centered, possessive, and fickle,

Evenso, you couldn't help but like her. She made up for her shortcomings with a lot of personality, warmth, a sharp wit, and she was good company, for the most part.

They had a shared history together. She'd been there for Erica through breakups, unemployment, and she had helped her move into her house. She wasn't perfect; sometimes she was exasperating, but she was caring and loyal.

On Monday in the truck, on the way to their first job, Jeff told her that he liked Penelope and wanted to ask her out. "Are you okay with that?" he asked, looking over at her.

A question begging to be answered.

The truth was that the prospect of him and her cousin dating was hardly at the top of her bucket list. but it didn't come as much of a surprise, given how the two of them had taken to each other at the party. And eventhough she was disappointed, it wasn't her style to try to derail their desire to date each other.

So she lied and said, "Sure, Jeff...it's not a problem."

"Cool," he said, looking happy as he put on his baseball cap, picked up a shovel and headed towards a garden bed in need of some tending.

After that, she began working on a front yard that was desperately in need of repair. Feeling discombobulated, the reality of what had just transpired settled into her psyche; Jeff and her cousin were going to start going out, spending time together...and inevitably...making love.

Wasn't it enough that Penelope had her pick of men? Why, of all people, did she have to go after Jeff? Erica lamented. In the wink of an eye, her hopes for something more with him had been extinguished.

If only it were that easy...

Oddly enough, the effect of this turn of events hadn't quelled her yearning for Jeff. To the contrary...she yearned for him even more, now, and imagined all sorts of romantic episodes with him; the two of them in front of a fireplace making love, at the beach where the two of them swam beside dolphins, happy and content, candlelit dinners, and in the bedroom where she was sure the lovemaking would be mindblowing.

She was sure that this was what the face of unrequited love looked like to an outsider. That's the thing about longing for someone, she thought, it is elusive and cunning; not so easily extinguished as the mind's feeble attempts to dismiss it...eliminate it...are thwarted and trumped by a heart and soul that wants what it wants. This she believed to be the essence of yearning.

Over the next six months, the relationship between Jeff and Penelope took off...in no small way. They'd gone on more than one weekend getaway; first to the ocean...then to the mountains where they'd stayed in a log cabin. Jeff didn't hide the fact that he was crazy about her, and between the two of them, she'd heard an earful.

So when Jeff and Penelope made plans to move in together, she took it hard. She felt as though she was the lone survivor on a beach; a woman bereft of comfort, the waves of unfulfilled desire and yearning crashing around her.

After work, back home in her apartment she went right for the bottle of vodka, on more than one occasion, to cope with too many raw emotions and thoughts of what might've been that had now taken up even more space in her head.

Face it Erica... you're never going to have him in the way that youd wanted to, she told herself. How to come to terms with this? Working beside him, and his friendship was going to have to be enough. she told herself. He cared for her in his own way and no one could take that away from them...not even Penelope.

As time went on she realized that what they had between them was unique and special; there was a lot to be said for an enduring friendship with a man that stood the test of time. This tempered her yearning for him the way a torrential rain, in the wake of a scorching heat wave, cools the air. Finally, she was able to make peace with that