I prayed for your death

CW: death, suicide, abortion

It would have taken his father gasping for his last breaths to bring Kevin Conlin back to his hometown of Wilmington and it was that very messenger of death that beckoned his presence that night. The bright stars seemed to eclipse all life below them but he was too stuck within himself to see anything beyond the agony of returning home. It had been 20 years since he last saw the long winding roads and town houses that he once called home. However, being the fortunate son of the richest man in town, home for him was actually the huge mansion he had been driving away from for the last hour. Seeing his father lie in bed was conflicting for him. He had rejected his father for all these years, but here he was now, clinging desperately to the beeping machines and the tubes that he parasitically latched onto for life. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything to him. He left the house before his father could even recognize he had come.

In the dark shadows of that clear night, he drove into the town hoping to find a bar for him to drink himself some courage. He scoffed at that realization, after 20 years he was still a coward, but he drove nonetheless. As he drove up main street, he caught a glimpse of a small bar that was stuck in time. Not paying much heed, he drove up to it and made his way inside.

There was 70s rock playing softly that could be heard outside the bar and the air was filled with the stench of cheap beer and sweat. The dinky bar seemed to be lit up just by the red neon lights of the bar counter. As he walked in, chimes of a bell rang to announce his presence, but he found himself alone. Most chairs had been stacked up on top of the tables and the floor now gave a whiff of bleach. He was disappointed at the sight but nevertheless made his way to the counter to apologize for coming in past closing. The counter was empty but he heard a female voice saying,

“I’ll be with you in a minute…”

The voice perplexed him, he recognized it but couldn’t put a finger on who it belonged to. It seemed like his heart knew the answer because it started to beat and rage within him. But before he could put a name to that voice, she walked in from the cased opening behind the counter,

“Sorry, bars closing in ten…”

His heart sank. She looked up at him and her face fell. She’d have dropped the glass she was cleaning if she was anymore stupefied to see his face. 

“Sarah?” He said in a muffled voice. He couldn’t believe it. Then as he continued to stare blankly at her, he realized just where he was. This was the bar Sarah’s family owned back when they were in school. Sarah Donahue was his classmate from high school and more importantly she was Rachel’s best friend. This was the last place he wanted to be in the world, facing Sarah after Rachel’s death, and worse, after his acquittal for her death.

Sarah stared blankly for a second before it hit her. In an instant, 20 years of buried rage came gushing out of her like an explosive volcano, 

“Get out right now.”

“Listen Sarah, I’m…”

“I asked you to leave, get out right now.”

“Okay, Sarah, I’m sorry, I’ll leave…”

Kevin turned around to leave. Seeing the wrath boiling inside her screamed to him to get out of there immediately. It felt as though she would strangle him right where he stood.

Seeing him turn away however enraged Sarah even more. It reminded her of the past where a younger him had done the very same thing. Before she could stop herself and let him leave, she blurted out,

“How dare you show your face here?”

He turned back to her. His eyes turned apologetic,

“I didn’t realize this was your father’s bar, I wouldn’t have come if I knew you were going to be here”

She couldn’t help herself, “Yeah, I’m sure you’ve forgotten damn near everything about this place, haven’t you?”

“No, I haven’t, Sarah, I want to tell you that I’m sorry”

She shouted back, “Sorry!? After 20 years!? After everything you did, you’re sorry!? Do you even know what that means, Kevin?” 

He stood dumbfounded as she continued,

“When I heard that your father was ill, I hoped desperately that that heartless soul of yours would let him rot alone. I guess I was wrong. Have you come back to remind us then? To mock us all for something we’ve desperately been trying to move on from?”

He had no words. His eyes were filled with remorse and the more she looked at him, the clearer his desire to apologize came shining through. But she wanted none of it. She had no sympathy for this monster she saw across the counter,

“You know, everyday for the last 21 years I have hoped that the ground you stood on would swallow you where you stood and bring her back instead. I was perfectly content believing that it might have come true. But that is also putting it too lightly. I prayed for your death, Kevin. I would still pray for it but that would be too dangerous because in death, you would be closer to her and I cannot let you be anywhere near her. I made that mistake once, I will never do it again.”

Tears formed in her eyes. She’d held so much anger inside her that they manifested in words that she couldn’t control. He was devastated. To hear her anger come through like that reminded him of a past he had no power to change. But yet, as he saw her there, her pain spoke to him. She was clearly suffering just as much as he was for the last 20 years, if not more. 

Just then, from behind Sarah, and old man walked through the cased opening shouting,

“That’s enough, Sarah! You know better than that!”

Kevin recognized Mr. Donahue. He was always a gentle person. When the acquittal was declared, he was one of the few people who remained neutral and helped him out of the courthouse to his car.

“Go inside, I’ll shut the bar”, Mr. Donahue said firmly, looking to his daughter, who looked at him with a shocked face. The anger was hypnotic and hearing her father’s voice snapped her out of that trance. She looked blankly at Kevin one last time, before going back into the back of the bar, her tears pouring out of her uncontrollably.

He then looked at Kevin and pointed at the door, continuing in his firm tone, “Kevin, it’s really sad what’s happening to your father. I pray for him but right now you need to leave. Bar’s closed, son.”

Kevin simply nodded and walked out as quickly as he could without making a sound.

Joseph Donahue was a man who had been humbled by life. He lost his wife early and was left raising Sarah and running the bar alone. He had known the rage Sarah was harboring for decades and tried his best to talk her out of it but he knew it was futile. More than the boy who had just shown his face after years, he knew she hated herself far more deeply.

He walked back into the backroom and saw her sitting on a chair, sobbing miserably. A single dim light bulb barely lit up her red face. His heart was moved, and he walked over to her hoping to console her. She could hear his footsteps, but she was not ready. 

“Please don’t say anything.”, she replied to him coming closer.

“You’re a grown woman, Sarah, what was wrong with you back there?”

“I’m sorry, I thought I’d be able to control myself better. I knew he would show up sometime but I wasn’t ready.”

“That’s not an excuse now, isn’t it?”

Her sobbing turned to whiffles of tears,

“You’re right, it’s not. I went too far.”

“We all do it sometimes but you have to understand, he didn’t kill her. She killed herself. You have to accept that, sweetheart. She made that choice, not him.”

Her anger took over slowly and she was reeling to get control of it again. But she couldn’t let that go,

“She didn’t have a choice, dad. How can you say that!? They forced her to end the pregnancy against her will. She could hear the child’s voice. Did you know that? For months, everyday she would come to me and tell me how she couldn’t sleep because the baby kept her up all night. That child was as good as alive for her.”

“I know and the sin of that child’s death is on the entire Conlin Family. That’s how it will always be. Rachel’s death has been dragging his soul for ages. You can tell by his eyes. That boy hasn’t heard of sleep in decades. You don’t need to make him feel miserable for what happened. He has been doing it to himself every day of his life.”

“And I’m supposed to feel sorry for him? She jumped out of a window, Dad!? She died in excruciating pain for hours before she died. Her mother found her lifeless body in the morning. And you’re telling me I should be sympathetic to the guy who drove her to that!?”

“No Sarah, I’m not asking you to pity him. I’m just telling you that he hasn’t forgotten any of this either. And neither have you. The day Rachel died, your life stopped. Your world froze at that moment and has been frozen ever since. What has come of this rage that has consumed you? You’re here working in this bar, like this is all life has to offer. And I truthfully know that her death is not the only reason it’s been like this for you. You loved him didn’t you, Sarah?”

Her eyes opened wide. She felt as if the truth had been stolen from her. The fusion of relief and shock struck her like a slap to the face. She was overwhelmed with her fathers words and so she remained silent as he continued,

“I’ve known it since you were a little girl. He was the only thing you would ever talk about. Till he fell in love with Rachel. You were heartbroken, I could tell. ”

“That monster is not the same Kevin.”

“And this man is not that monster anymore, sweetheart. He’s grown and he’s asking for your forgiveness.”

He looked on at her. His words had clearly reached her. She looked back at him with disappointed eyes but they were not directed at him, rather they peered inward. She walked out of the room without saying much further. Joseph let her go because he knew where she was headed. It’s where she’d always go when she needed to be by herself. 

The cliff stood tall over the beach. From on top of it, it looked like it was high enough to be a bridge to the moon. Sarah often sat closer to the edge on the grass and watched the moon and stars like they were putting on a show and she had a front row seat. The waters below sat like an orchestra in their pit, adding a feeling of calm loneliness to the moon’s presence. This was her favorite place to be. The water, the sky, the gentle winds in the Fall, they seemed to all be going through the same sadness she was feeling. However, loneliness was not on the agenda that night. The moon had her stars, the ocean had its shore and winds found their trees. Much to her discomfort, she found him. He seemed to have made himself comfortable on the cliff, in the same place where she would sit. It came as no surprise to her. This was Rachel’s favorite place in the town and she would have definitely brought a younger Kevin here many times. This was now a new opportunity she thought to herself. Maybe she could do better this time. She slowly walked up to him.

“I’m sorry. I should leave. I didn’t know you would be here.”, He said, startled by her presence. He got up to leave.

“No, stay.”, She replied. Sitting down in what would have been Rachel’s place she faintly smiled at him. That was the best apology for the bar incident he would get from her and he smiled back awkwardly to accept it. 

She continued, “I didn’t think you’d remember this place. Thought it would be the first thing you’d forgotten.” 

She couldn’t help herself to one more jab. But using her restraint, she pulled herself back and told herself to stop.

“It’s the last place I’d ever forget.”, He replied. She could tell that he meant it. 

He continued, “She’d bring me here often. She loved to sit and watch the sea through the night.”

“Yeah, she always wanted to leave this town, be a part of something bigger. When she died…I couldn’t believe it. I would always pretend that she came here, stole a boat from the shore and ran away somewhere far from here. This town, we failed her. I failed her. I believed she had run away from me. She deserved a better friend.”

Her words perplexed him, he asked, "A better friend?"

She smiled again, she’d said something she didn’t want to say out loud. She now had to explain herself, "We kind of faded once she started dating you. I couldn't help her. She was a gem. It felt like she understood and gave me my distance even though I never asked for it. It didn't need to be that way. I shouldn't have left her side. If I knew what she was going through, I could have helped her. I could have been there for her. She wouldn't have died." 

He was about to correct her again but seeing her face he knew she didn’t fully believe it herself. He just watched her. It felt they understood each other, rather somehow they had both been going through the same pain. He let the silence speak for a while, he wanted to take some comfort in knowing he wasn’t feeling this guilt alone like he had been for years now.

After a while, He felt confident to give the silence a voice,

"I started seeing her again. She used to come in my dreams and I would try to apologize for everything but it always felt so empty. I was so childish and foolish back then. I was scared of ruining our lives. We were only seventeen when she told me about it. I was shocked. We'd been so careful but somehow it was not enough. I wanted to become a doctor and I couldn't imagine having to give that up. I was selfish. She deserved so much better than the child I was."

She nodded in agreement playfully. He smiled back but quickly went back to explaining himself,

"I told my father about everything that night. I asked him to save us both. I shouldn't have gotten him involved. He…he turned me on her so quickly… But…I don't blame him. I was looking for an excuse to victimize myself. When he told me she was faking it. I believed him. I believed she was crazy. He told me he got a doctor friend to look at her. To see how far she'd come along, and then he told me that there was no baby. I was a sucker. I believed every word of it because it was easier to believe that lie than to actually face the truth. When I see her now I no longer hide. I used to want it to burn me, to hurt me so I could feel like I was being punished. But that would have been too easy."

"And not what she would have wanted...", she interjected.

"Yeah, I realized that doing that was discarding her entire life. It was me victimizing myself again. Now I just wait for her to leave. To find peace. I’ve tried my best to become a better person. To undo the past. But I know I can’t change it. That’s why I’ve been trying to improve the future. It’s why I chose to become a doctor. A neonatal surgeon. It’s ironic that someone who took two very precious lives now wants to save others but it’s the best I can do with being a survivor of that mess and I don’t want to waste it."

His genuineness showed through. She could tell he meant what he was saying, but she remained quiet as he continued,

"Sarah, I haven't forgotten anything. I can't tell you how sorry I am. She was your best friend and I took her from you. Nothing I can or say will ever give her back to you. I don’t expect your forgiveness. I just wanted to do the right thing by you and apologize."

His words felt like they had lifted a weight off her shoulders. Her anger was now smaller than it had ever been. She smiled back at him gently again as if to acknowledge and accept his apology without putting it in words. It was her turn to let the silence speak. 

As they watched the moonlight and stars, she finally offered an olive branch saying, 

“I feels like she might come home someday. Come back here and sit. Watch the water again. I’ll be here when she does. I hope you’re there too. We could apologize together.”