Eyelids Heavy, and Heart even Heavier

I sat by the cliff, feet dangling off the edge. A cool breeze pierced my face, snapping me back to reality. My thoughts felt muddled as if no rational idea could link itself in my mind. Eyelids heavy and heart even heavier, I stood up shakily by my place.

And then I jumped.

At first, it felt like nothing. I felt weightless in the air, almost as if I was flying. A morbid thought to check for wings flashed through my mind before I quickly subdued it. Seven seconds. Silvery pearls escaped the corners of my eyes as I plummeted head-first to my eternal damnation. Five seconds. How odd it felt, to feel nothing but a crushing sense of relief. How odd it was, to fall to my own doom and feel thankful for it. Three seconds. How odd indeed, to savour the fall and not the last breaths that came with it.

Even when my back hit the rocks below I did not scream. Or perhaps I did, though it could not have come out as more than a few strangled breaths of air. I did not clutch my chest in fear of death, nor did I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I only saw red spots dancing at the corner of my eyes and felt a gaping void in the place of my heart. I think I smelt blood.

And then there was darkness.

Complete. Eternal. Damning.

I could hear something- someone calling out. She was calling a name and her voice carried such agony, such despair that deep down I felt a selfish ache wishing she was calling for me instead. Then, all of a sudden, she was in front of me.

Hand outstretched and eyes glimmering with unshed tears.

"Grab on," she said, and I did.

My feet were moving, I realized. Once more my thoughts were racing, unable to connect in reasonable notions. My gaze flitted back to the girl beside me. She was no more than ten years old, guiding me through seemingly endless darkness. Her hair was a lovely shade of auburn, and at a closer glance, I noticed her skin was a smooth olive. Yet her eyes carried a sadness as unfathomable as the sea.

Then she stopped dead in her tracks. I blinked and in an instant, two rocks appeared ahead of us. She let go of my hand, and sat down on one of them, patting the one next to hers. I sat down. When she looked up at me, I sensed a sickening familiarity in her face but couldn't place it in my memory.

She peered at my face curiously, "Where did we go wrong?"

I could only stare at her. "I beg your pardon?" Amber eyes stared dead at me. "You promised. What happened to us? Why did you give up so easily?" A sense of urgency gnawed at my sides though I couldn't tell what it was for. Something was definitely wrong. She started sobbing. "You killed me. You KILLED me! You killed me!"

I didn't say anything- couldn't say anything. A sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach told me she was right. I blinked and suddenly the rock I was sitting on, washed away into a cliff in the middle of a raging sea. "Who are you?" I yelled into the insatiable and angry waves. "Don't you know?" No. I wanted to screech, but I couldn't conform my tongue to saying the words.

I swatted at the moisture coating the apples of my cheeks. My eyes sting and yet I don't know what I'm crying for. Isn't this what I wanted? A voice spoke in the back of my mind. The ocean and your tears taste the same, do they not? The tides and your sorrow share a taste! And your sadness comes in waves just like how the ocean reaches for the shore it never holds on long enough for it to matter. She takes in a deep breath. Do you understand me? I look up at the clouds. It might rain soon. I might drown if it does. No, I don't think that I understand yet, but I think I might all the same.

Maybe your sadness is like this ocean, she continues in her bellowing voice. Maybe you are the one holding on to it and it needs to be let go. Perhaps, like the waves, it shall recede in its own time.

The water level was rising. Fast.

In a minute it was already at my knees. One gasp and suddenly I was struggling to keep afloat. I must've been flailing around for at least an hour, trying to find something, anything to hold onto. As my limbs gave way to exhaustion and water started to clog my airways, I looked one final time at the darkening sky above and thought about the little girl I had seen earlier. Nothing made sense. Nothing was rational but in my last conscious efforts, I wondered what I wouldn't give for just one chance to tell her it was going to be alright. That everything wasn't as scary as it seemed right now. That I hadn't given up as easily.

But that would be lying, wouldn't it?

A story isn't a tragedy because of how it ends. A story is a tragedy because it is always supposed to end this way. But do I really have to end it now?

Had enough? Or do you still not get it? called a faraway voice again. My head was underwater. Familiar spots were dancing in front of my eyes. I exhaled, "Yes," but only bubbles came out. A choked sob died in my throat as my eyes rolled back and I succumbed to the water pressure.

I know now. Can I try again? Please?

pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplea-

Gasping for air, I sat up by my place at the edge of the cliff near the sea, feet dangling off the edge. The cool gust of wind pierced my face, clearing my thoughts and focusing my vision. A dull throb at the back of my head makes me realise that I must've dozed off and grabbed a few winks of sleep. Eyelids heavy, and heart even heavier, I stood up straighter, firmer by the boundary.

I took in heavy breaths full of sea salt. Swiping away at moistened eyes, I heard my trembling but determined voice whisper to myself against the sound of crashing waves below. "It's alright. You're going to be alright," I don't dare look down. "I'm not giving up on us."

My story may not be the most exciting, well-told or interesting. My story may not even be believable. But does it have to be? In the end, my story matters because it reminds me of the chance at life I had, that once it's over, I can never come back; at least, not that I know of. A chance to live life, because it is mine, and I want to live it fully- I took in a deep breath again.

I turned on my heel and took a step forward. Then another, and another. Once more, and then I stopped counting.

I never looked back.