Father Forgive Me, for I Have Sinned

Cancer is the cruelest ending to a life. All you can do is sit and watch the person you love be consumed in an everlasting cloud of misery. Everlasting until the person breaths their last breath. That describes the hell I have lived through this past year.

The sunrise is bursting through the window shedding light on all that was once holy. I can hear the birds chirping merrily in the trees as I sit here in this room. This room of death watching my wife Emily struggle to take another breath. Her breathing has become raspy and shallow. I dip the washcloth into the basin of water at the side of our bed. Wringing it out, I place the cool damp cloth on her forehead. A bony hand reaches up and grabs my hand. It’s her way of saying “Thank you,” because she can no longer speak.

“You are most welcome my dear.” Tears stream down my cheeks, “I love you.”

She closes her eyes as her way of saying, “I love you, too Sammuel.”

On her last birthday we celebrated her seventy-ninth birthday. Many would say, “She’s lived a long fulfilling life.”

I cannot dispute that, but I want to scream out, “How would you know?! You’re not the one lying in this bed dying of cancer!”

But there are a lot of things we say in our head and it’s a good thing we do not give voice to these thoughts.

We got married after I came home from Korea in June 1953 after seeing first-hand the cruelty of war. We got married down at St. Andrew Catholic Church. It was the happiest day of my life.

Yes dear, you gave me sixty years of blissful happiness.

“Mr. Haynes?” A nurse walked toward me as I sat in the waiting area, waiting to hear Emily’s prognosis. It’s hard to believe it was almost two years ago.

“Yes.” I was awakened from a dream that was forming in my head. I had been sitting here with the magazine open to the same page I opened when I first sat down.

“Dr. McGregor would like to talk to you.” She said with a professional nod. Coming to my feet, I followed her into the maze of hallways beyond the swinging doors. Turning this way and that, she stopped at an open door, “Dr. McGregor, Mr. Haynes is here to see you.”

“Come in Mr. Haynes.” I heard a deep voice invite me into his office. When I walked in, he was standing behind his desk, still wearing his scrubs with his white mask tucked into his white shirt at his neck. He held out his open hand and I sat in the chair in front of his desk. “I wish I could tell you better news, but I’m afraid Emily has stage four liver cancer.”

“What about Chemotherapy?” I blurted out as tears fought at the corners of my eyes.

“I’m afraid the cancer has advanced to where Chemo is no longer a viable option.” He folded his hands in front of him on his desk.

“There must be something we can do.” I felt as if my heart was being sliced out of my chest.

“With proper care, Emily will have a year, maybe two.” His face showed his discomfort speaking to me about this, “I’m sorry, Mr. Haynes. I wish the news was better.”

“Sweetheart, it's breakfast.” I put the tray across her lap. She groaned her protest. Most of the time when I spooned in the hot cereal, it would come right back up and I would have to sit her up to clear her airway. Changing her position, caused her excruciating pain. She would moan and I would feel like Poncious Pilate. “I am so sorry, my love.”

I would lay her back down on the pillow as tears streamed down my face. I would smooth the sheets and blanket so she would be comfortable.

I hated myself.

Why was I doing this to her? Why was I so willing to make her suffer like this, selfishly wishing her to stay with me just a few days longer?

“Dear God, there must be another way.” I slumped in my chair and let the tears fall freely as she slept peacefully in her bed.

Later in the day, still sitting in my chair listening to her breath, I heard a knock on the door.

“I’ll be right back.” I told her, but I knew she would not hear what I had said. I walked down the highly polished wooden stairs. These stairs were her pride and joy as framed pictures of loved ones hung on the wall.

“Good afternoon, Samuel.” Father Wainwright stood at the door. “I came to inquire how Emily is doing.”

“I’m afraid she is not well.” I swallowed hard.

“So sorry to hear that.” He genuinely appeared to be troubled by the news. “Can I see her to give her last rites?”

“I think that would be a good idea.” I nodded and opened the door so he could come inside. “Follow me, father.”

I reascended the stairs once again passing the framed portraits of loved ones both living and dead. Our memories that still haunt us after so many years.

“Emily.” He addressed her after standing over her bed.

“She can’t hear you, father.” I informed him.

“I see.” He shook his head. He turned his stole over. The color was purple, a solemn color that symbolizes penance. He opened his Bible and made the sign of the cross over Emily’s forehead. He spoke in a low whisper that I could not hear. I suspect some of the rites were said in Latin. When he finished, he made the sign of the cross over her once again before turning to me. After taking a deep breath, he said, “I’m truly sorry, Samuel.”

“Thank you father.” I nodded as he made the sign of the cross over me. “May you find comfort in the Lord.”

“I will do my best, but I must admit this is difficult for me.” I admitted.

He put his hand on my shoulder, “You both have been parishioners longer than I’ve been here.” He smiled and nodded.

“She made sure I went to mass every Sunday.” I returned the smile, but it did not come from a place of joy.

“Keep her comfortable.” He said as he began to walk down the stairs.

Keep her comfortable? Only death could accomplish that. She would never be comfortable again in this lifetime.

The phone rang. Picked it up and answered, “Hello.”

“Dad.” I was Jared, my son. He had been a lawyer for the past ten years after graduating from college with honors.

“Jared.” I sat down in the chair.

“How’s mom?” He asked.

“Same.” I glanced over at her.

I heard him sigh followed by a momentary pause.

“Dad, what can I do?” He asked with a catch in his throat.

“Pray. It’s about all that’s left to do.” I glanced over again. Her chest was still rising and falling with each breath.

“I am so sorry.” He sobbed.

“What on earth for?” I was confused by his emotion.

“I meant to come by more often, but I was always too busy.”

“Jared, you have to be good while you are in church.” Emily instructed him as we walked in for Ruth’s funeral service. Jared was only ten years old then and he loved his Grandma Ruth who would always bring treats when she came over to visit.

“I will, mom.” He promised. “I’m going to miss grandma.”

“Why? Because she always brought treats?” Emily climbed the stone steps to the churching holding his tiny hand.

“Well, that and she always made me feel special. She would make me laugh with her stories.” He said as he entered the church.

“Now she’s an angel watching over you.” Emily nodded.

“Angel? What’s an angel?”

“A person who is in Heaven.” Emily went to the front of the church where family members were supposed to sit for the service.

“I want to go to Heaven. I want to be able to fly.” He told her.

“How did you know angels could fly?” Emily asked and he pointed to the ceiling where there were paintings of angels flying around Jesus.

Jared came over to keep me company and we ordered a pizza. I missed Emily’s cooking, but a take-out pizza was no more than a confession that I had no idea how to cook a decent dinner.

I indulged in having a beer. I had not had any alcohol since Emily was diagnosed with cancer. I was never really what you would call much of a drinker, because I always wanted to be in control and drinking always clouded my judgment.

“How are my grandkids?” I was already feeling the effects of the half can of beer I had consumed.

“Harmon is driving Dawn crazy.” He chuckled.

“He’s almost four. Soon he will be in school with his older brother.” I took another sip of my beer.

“Ben loves school.” He said proudly.

“He always seemed as smart as a whip. Must’ve got it from Dawn.” I afforded myself a quick smile that disappeared as soon as it appeared.

“We are all doing fine.” He bowed his head.

“It is hell watching your mother suffer like this.” It popped out of my mouth by sheer impulse.

“I know dad.” He reached across the table and grasped my hand.

“A friend of mine told me about secobarbital capsules.” Already I regretted telling him about what I wanted to do.

“Dad, you can’t do that.” His face turned red as he became upset that I would even consider such an option.

“I can’t stand to see your mother suffer like this.” I put my hands to my face to cover my tears, “But keeping her alive seems cruel to me.”

“What would the priests at St. Andrew’s say about that?”

“Father Wainwright already gave her Last Rites earlier this afternoon.” I looked him right in the eye. His blue eyes had already clouded over in outrage that I would even consider assisted suicide for Emily.

“That does not give you the right to end her life like that.” His voice rose to meet his anger.

“If you had to sit in that chair and watch her suffer as she has for the past three weeks, you’d know that she would want someone to end her suffering.” I said firmly.

“When do you plan on doing this?” He sniffed.

“Soon.” I coughed, “I have arranged for a doctor to give me the barbiturates needed.”

“How can you do this? It’s murder.” He growled.

“No, it’s not. It’s me doing what’s right for her.”

“Has she told you she wants this?” He threw his napkin down on the table.

“Your mother hasn’t been able to speak for a while.” I stood up and put my hand to my forehead. “Your mother has not been able to do the things she loved to do. Her garden has gone to seed. She has not finished the blanket she was making for your anniversary. All those things she kept after me to do. Fix the basement step. Fix the leak in the sink. All of it. How come life always seems so brief at the end. So many unfinished chapters.”

“Dad!” Jared yelled as I passed out on the kitchen floor.

I woke up on the couch with Dr. Wallace hovering over me holding his stethoscope. “Nice bump on your head.”

“Is he going to be alright?” Jared inquired.

“Nothing a little ice won’t fix.” He chuckled. “Samuel, you can’t be taking a header at your age.”

“I promise doc.” I told him as he packed his bag.

“Aspirin as needed. Keep the ice on that bump.” He spoke to Jared. Spreading his arms wide, he said, “You all have a great rest of your evening.”

With a quick wave of his hand, Dr. Wallace disappeared out the front door.

“Are you going home, Jared?” I asked.

“No, I called Dawn to let her know, I’m spending the night here.” He said as he put a bag of ice on my forehead.

“You don’t have to do that.” I shook my head.

“I wanna spend some time with mom.” He jerked his head toward the stairs.

“She won’t even know that you’re there.” I said sadly.

“It doesn’t matter. I will know.” He exhaled and began walking up the steps. “You get some sleep, dad.”

And so, I did. I went upstairs to the bed we once shared before Emily got sick and slept the sleep of the dead.

In my dream, I was an angel with big fluffy wings. The clouds drifted around me. There was music that seemed to be coming from all around me, like a lullaby or a sacred hymn.

“Do not be afraid, I will always be with you.” a disembodied voice echoed from above.

Memories melted out of the sky. I was free.

“Samuel.” Her voice echoed.

“Samuel, take my hand.”

“I am here, Emily. Come find me.” I called out.

But then the sky turned black and there was nothing but darkness. My wings were gone, and I began to fall.

“I am here.” I continued to fall in the darkness.

“Dad, dad, are you okay?” Jared's face came into focus as my eyes opened.

“I was dreaming.” I sat up, my mouth dry and my tongue struggled to move.

“I checked on mom. She hasn’t changed.” He shook his head.

“Don’t you feel that it would be better if we stopped her suffering?”

“No, no.” He shook his head, “God won’t forgive you for that.”

“How do you know? Do you remember Sparky?” I asked.

“Of course.” He nodded.

“What happened to him the summer you graduated from high school?” I asked.

“We took him to the veterinarians to be put down.” I could see he was on the verge of tears. It was a painful memory for him still, “But mom is not a dog.”

“But she is suffering.” I ran my hand through my thinning white hair, “She will never be able to do the things that gave her joy and meaning to her life. All she can feel is pain. I love her with all my heart. She was there when things got rough and she was there for the laughter. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I love her too much to watch her go through that.”

Jared was sobbing.

“I know you love her. And I know how much \she loves you. Do you think she could stand to see you suffer like she is right now?” I shook my head.

“No.” He wiped his tears away with his sleeve, “Let me give her one last kiss. Then I’ll be on my way if that’s alright with you.”

“Fine.” I sighed and put my hand on his shoulder. “Go ahead.”

I watched him climb the stairs to her room past the memories that had colored our lives in frames hanging on the wall.

“Alright.” He nodded when he exited her room a few minutes later, still wiping the tears from his eyes. “I’ll see you later, dad.”

“Take care of my grandkids.” I hugged him and then gave him a peck on the cheek. “I love you, Jared. I love you so much.”

“Love you too, dad.” He turned and walked to his car. In a minute he was gone as if he had never been here at all.

Slowly I walked up to her with the secobarbital capsules in my pocket. I could hear them rattle in the bottle with each step I took. When I got to our wedding photograph, I ran my finger around the frame and whispered, “I love you, my dear.”

I continued on to her room. I put the capsule in her mouth and gave her some water. I sat in the chair I had occupied for the past three weeks and waited. I heard a gurgle and then a long exhale. Picking up the phone I called the authorities, “Yes, this is Mr. Haynes. I’d like to report the death of two people. Names are Emily and Samuel Haynes. No hurry.”

Hanging up the phone, I removed the other capsule from the bottle and put it on my tongue. With a quick gulp of water, I swallowed the lethal dose.

“Father forgive me, for I have sinned.” I uttered as I walked back into the darkness.