Dying For Love

I had never really given much thought to how I would die.

But lying here, dying in the place of someone I loved

seemed like a good way to go. So how can I really regret the

decisions I have made that got me to this place and time. I

think of all the things I will miss but it is a surprisingly short

list. When really all that is on my mind is him, James.

It's funny how you can think you have everything you could

ever want then wake up one day and realize you were

missing the one thing you never really had, Love. I thought I

had my life perfectly planned out. Everything seemed to be

falling into place. I was working at my dream job as a brand

designer for a company called Xo Cosmetics. And I had just

recently moved into a new apartment with my boyfriend of

four years. I thought I was as happy as I had ever been. Till

that fate filled day when I met him. And then, I realized

what all I had been missing.

When the right person suddenly walks into your life, You

know it. In fact you feel it. It is like you were sound asleep

and now you are wide awake. And everything in your life

goes from zero to sixty. And not the steady thirty miles an

hour of daily life. That is what I had with my now boyfriend,

David. I had loved him for over four years and I didnt just

suddenly stop loving him. But when James had walked into

my office building that rainy morning and just simply held

the door for me as I clumsily closed my umbrella I knew. In

that one second I knew I wanted to get to know him. There

was an instant attraction. Almost a kismet feeling. As if we

had met once before. But what I didnt know then was that

soon all I would want is to feel his hand in mine and to smell

that vanilla soap scent of his up close and personal. To

always feel the softness of his lips on mine that managed to

take me to a place I had never been before. It was

intoxicating just being near him. And as much as I didnt

want to hurt David how could I not follow my heart? Just

once in my life go after what I wanted? To finally go after

what I needed. I had always played every area of my life so

cautiously. Never wanting to do the wrong thing. Say the

wrong thing. Soo afraid to step outside my comfort zone.

That is why David and I were such a good match at first. We

both had the same goals and direction in life. We never

challenged one another. It was comfortable. Not at all

exciting. Not the take your breath away kind of romance

but sweet. And safe. In fact I had grown up with him. He

was literally the boy next door. So when he said he loved me

I didnt question it or even myself, I just assumed it was love.

And continued along in the realtionship. It had always been

enough, till now. Because now I knew there was more out

there in this world. Beyond my neighborhood. Beyond the

familiar. Like when I met James, there was this unexplained

spark of electricity. A challenge of opinions. That fiery kind

of love we all secretly wish for. To be completely swept off

your feet and fall head over heels in love. All things I had

never had before. And the more I tried to fight it the

stronger the pull. The weaker my resolve. And now in just

weeks of meeting him I was prepared to throw all caution to

the wind. Which explained why I currently found myself

outside his apartment building early this morning, waiting

and hoping to catch him before he left for work. I had to tell

him how I felt. Win or lose. He had to know that I had ended

things with David. I knew I had hurt him. Something I

regretted deeply. It was not in my nature to be careless

with others feelings. But I couldn't go on pretending.

Besides deep down if I was truly honest with myself I had

never loved him. Not the way he deserved to be loved. Not

in the way I so wanted to be loved by James. And I already

had made up my mind that even if James didn't feel the

same way I did I was done playing my entire life safe

guarded. Afraid to get hurt... Afraid to really take a risk.

Which I knew that loving James was just that. A big risk.

Which is why I was nervously pacing back and forth almost

convincing myself to leave. And then there he was standing

face to face with me on this street corner.

"Alice," he seemed surprised to see me. "what are you doing

here? "

" I needed to talk to you. And uh, um, " I stammered

desperately trying to find the courage to say those three

powerful words. 

So I took a deep breath and pulled him to me. " I love you."

James smiled at me. "I love you too."

I let out a relieved sigh, "You do?"  

James nodded and pressed his lips into mine. I kissed him

back with a fierceness that surprised me. Every part of my

being reacting to his touch. 

"Come on," he grabbed my hand his smile making my heart

sing. I couldn't believe he felt the same way. And I knew we

had more to figure out but in that moment all I wanted was

to be in his arms. Turning to walk back in that direction it

was then I saw the car speeding towards us. Leaving no

time for both of us to move to safety. So I made a choice. I

chose love. And pushed james out of the way.