Goodbye Party

"Hello." Jim answered the phone after the fifth ring.

“Are you coming tonight!?” said the voice on the other end.

“What?” Jim said not ready for that response

"Jim! What's going on?" The voice on the other end said with drunken excitement. 

"Nothing, Steve. I'm Just sitting here watching Home Improvement. Man, I'm glad I don't fuck up like that guy. Other than that, nothing much. Judy got the chance to work some over time tonight and you know how we need it." Jim answered in a less than enthusiastic voice.

"Hey did you forget it was Bob's going away party?" Steve asked.

"Oh shit, is that tonight? I totally forgot about that."

"Well come on down it’s just getting started," Steve encouraged Jim.

"I got the kids," Jim responded sadly. 

"Get a sitter." Steve offered the obvious solution. 

"I can't find one on this short of notice." Jim responded with the obvious problem.

"Just get anyone, and get down here." Steve said with the parenting skills of someone who’s not a father.

"Alright, I'll see what I can do."

"Cool man, I'll see you soon."

"Okay, Bye," Jim said then hung up the phone.

Who can I get, Jim thought to himself as he picked up, Emily, his daughter. "Now who can I get to babysit you?" This time he asked her.

"I don't know," Emily replied honestly with the innocence squeaky voice of a child.

"Well, who watched you last time?" 

"Mrs. Philie.”

"Is that the smelly one?"

"No." Emily said with a smile and a giggle.

"Then who was that?"

"She's the one with the goofy clothes." Emily then let out a small laugh.

"Oh yeah, she does have goofy clothes, doesn't she?" The thought of his daughter thinking her clothes were goofy made Jim chuckle a little bit.

"Yeah." Emily snickered also.

"What are you laughing at? You wear goofy clothes too." Then Jim tickled her and shook her playfully. Emily just giggled some more. "Who do you want to babysit you, goofy clothes or smelly?"

"Goofy clothes, goofy clothes." Emily started chanting.

"You got it. Now go see what your brother is doing." Jim set her down, gave her a little pat on her butt and she went off running. Jim picked up the address book and started flipping through it until he came to Mrs. Philie's phone number. He picked up the phone and dialed, after the ninth ring he hung up. "Shit," he muttered. "Honey it looks like it's going to have to be Smelly." He didn't get a reply, nor did he really expect one. "Okay" he said to himself then started flipping through the address book again. "Smelly, Smelly, oh, here we go Smelly." He stopped at a number belonging to one Mrs. Smith and then dialed it. A little less patient this time he hung up after seven rings. "Who can I get now?" Thinking out loud. He walked upstairs to check on his kids. Peeking his head in the room he saw Devon, his son, playing video games and Emily sitting there contently watching him. The phone started to ring and he ran back downstairs to answer it. He reached it on the fourth ring.

"Jimbo!" Yelled the voice on the other end.

"Oh, what's going on Chris?”

"Nothing, just waiting for you to get here. Oh, and having a mighty fine time."

"So, who's all there?" Jim questioned.

"Everyone, well, except you. Even Janet is here."

"Who?" Jim was drawing a blank.

"You know... Howie's...last month." Chris reminded Jim.

"Oh, Janet." Jim said while he reminisced with a smile.

"And she asked about you, buddy."

"Carrie and her aren’t talking, are they? You know Carrie can't keep anything from Judy," Jim replied nervously. 

"Who do you think you're talking to? an idiot?" Chris asked rhetorically. 

"Yeah." Jim answered half seriously.

"I got your back." Chris ignored Jim's answer, “But I don't know how much longer I can keep them apart, you better get here fast."

"I'll be there as soon as I get a sitter.”

"Well hurry up or your marriage is history, ha ha ha." Chris joked, slightly getting him back for the idiot comment.

"I'll be there in a little bit, okay?"

"Okay, later."

"Bye." Jim hung up and immediately grabbed the address book and started flipping through it. He went through the whole thing, "No one." he cried out. He went back upstairs and asked his kids, "Who does mommy get to watch you when she can't get Mrs. Philie or Smith?"

"Grandma," Emily answered.

"I don't like grandma, who else?" Jim asked.

Devon started to say “That's what she says about…" 

"Real funny wise guy." Jim cut him off before he could finish. "Now, who else?"

"I don’t know," Emily said with a little smile. Not ten seconds later the phone began to ring again. Jim rushed back downstairs and picked it up on the sixth ring, "Hello?" he said, hoping it was one if the babysitters calling back.

"What, you don't want to see me off?" said the person on the other end.

"Oh, hey Bob, I want to, but I can't get a sitter," Jim replied disappointedly.

"Come on, leave them there and come over for one beer."

"I can't, last time I did that, they broke five glasses, knocked over some plants and gave the dog a mohawk. they would have given the cat one too but I got home just in time. The poor thing was covered in shaving cream. That all took place in a half an hour. And let’s get real, do you think I would only come over for one beer? It would at least be a few hours, could you imagine what Devon could do what that kind of time?"

"Damn... well, you're missing one hell of a party."

"You know I always think of something, just give me a little time," Jim said.

"All right, I guess I'll see you soon."

"All right, Bye." Jim hung up the phone, went over to the couch and sat down and started thinking. In the process of coming up with a plan to go to the party he had consumed four beers and had two big gulps of whiskey. "Ah Ha!” he said aloud in a drunken exclamation, he then stood up and ran to the basement, he grabbed his staple gun and ran to the kids' room. "Who's got to go to the bathroom?" he asked as he walked in the room. Neither one of the kids said anything, "Are you sure no one needs to go, Emily, how about you try."

"I don't have to go." Emily said in an angry little voice that suggested, how dare you second guess me.

"Okay both of you sit on the ground with your legs in front of you." they both did, Jim proceeded to staple the legs of their pants. In his drunken desperate state, he didn't even care about putting holes in the floor, let alone the horrible parenting. It took twenty-eight staples for Emily and fifty-three for Devon. "That ought to keep you two out of trouble,” Jim mumbled. Then he grabbed the bedding off both of the children's beds, placed it down on the ground for them. "Okay guys this is going to be fun; you can have your own little slumber party. Devon, here is the controller for your game and Emily, here is a dolly and your tea set so you can have a tea party. When you get tired you can just lean back and fall asleep right there. Won’t that be fun?”

"Okay Daddy.” Emily said.

"Whatever." Devon said knowing something was up.

"Daddy," Emily said.

"Yes, Honey?"

"Did you wash mommy's work clothes?"

"Oh shit, no." Jim said as he ran down the stairs and hastily threw the clothes in the washer and dryer. He then ran back upstairs to say his goodbyes. "Now you two be good, and I'll be back shortly to check on you.” 

"Okay" said Devon.

"I have to go to the bathroom," Emily said.

"Oh really, I thought you didn't have to go?" Jim said half sarcastically and half irritated.

"I didn't before but now I do."

"Fine," he said and then started to remove some of the staples, in an effort to speed things up he just unbuttoned her pants and slid her out. Still thinking this was a good idea, he said, "You're lucky I love you or otherwise I would make you just sit right here in your own pee."

"Thank you, daddy," Emily said, thinking he was doing her a favor.

"Do you have to go?" Jim said to Devon.

"No." Devon answered.

"Are you sure, this is your last chance."

"I'm sure."

"Okay." he said kind of questioning his answer. Once Emily got back, he slipped her back into her pants and threw in a few more staples just so she couldn't get out on her own. "Are both of you good?"

"Yes," they both said at the same time.

"Okay, I will be back shortly."

"Okay," they said in harmony again.

"I love you," Jim said.

"I love you too," they both said it back to him, Devon said it a little less enthusiastically.

Jim ran down the stairs and grabbed a beer for the walk over. It was about five blocks and would take him close to ten minutes to get there. On the way he was thinking he would run back home every hour and a half or so just to check on them because, "that is what a good father would do," he seriously thought to himself. 

When he walked in the door a bunch of people yelled, "Jim!" to greet him. They were all drunk and Jim was not too far behind. He was on his way to get a beer when he ran into Bob.

"Look who finally made it." Bob yelled and then questioned, "you need a beer?"

"Yeah," Jim said, as he reached for the beer that Bob was offering. "I told you I would make it." Bob just shrugged like he knew he was wrong for ever doubting him. Then they hugged and Jim said, "Wow, I can't believe you're finally going. You have been saying that you're leaving for years now. Good for you man."

"Yep, by this time tomorrow I'll be out of here and I ain't lookin’ back."

"Well, it's about time," Jim said with an envious smile.

"So, you've been talking about it too, when are you leaving?" Bob asked.

"I can't, Judy's got a good job, the kids are in school, I can't just pick up and leave. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to but I’m pretty much stuck here," Jim answered feeling a little depressed.

"Speaking of the kids, who did you get to watch them?" Bob wondered.

"No one."

"What!? Did you bring them here?"

"No, that would be crazy."

"Well, what did you do, duct tape them to the wall?"

"No man, what kind of father do you think I am? I stapled their pant legs to the floor with their toys and video games all around them. I thought of everything, I gave them their blankets and pillows so when they're tired, they can just lay back and go to sleep. Every so often I'll run back and check on them." 

"Bloody Brilliant," Bob said in a drunken phony British accent. Then Bob held up his beer for a toast, they clanked their drinks and took a swig. "You always think of something, I knew I could count on you to come and see me off. You've always been a good friend," Bob said, then held up his drink again and yelled to everyone. "To my friend Jim." Bob got a ununiformed sea of drunken responses, some said, "Jim," some said, "cheers," and others just let out a "whoop."

Next Jim leaned in to Bob and said, "Speaking of always thinking of something, I'm currently “thinking” of something right now.” Trying to be clever and sly, he air quoted when he said the word thinking. "But I will definitely be back to say goodbye before I leave." then he shook Bob's hand and went further in to the party. 

As he walked around, he mingled for a while until he saw his friend Chris.

"You made it," Chris said surprised as he leaned in to give him a hug. 

"Yeah, you know me, always can be counted on when a friend is in need," Jim said with an arrogance that implied his presence made the party what it was. Then he immediately went in to what was on his mind. "Hey, did Carrie and Janet talk?"

"No. You lucky bastard!" Chris yelled at him. "I don't even think they saw each other, and if you can believe it, it gets even better."

"Oh yeah, how?" 

"About ten minutes after I talked to you some guy accidently spilled his drink on Carrie. It was completely unintentional but she got all pissed off and started yelling at him, then she punched this poor guy right in the junk. Every guy here simultaneously let out an, "Oooohh!" and cringed. Someone started yelling "Go home bitch!" soon the whole party, even the girls, were circled around her chanting it. I almost felt bad for her but that was uncalled for, it was an accident. So, she took off and I doubt she‘s coming back. Do you think you could possibly get any luckier?"

"I don't know but I want to find out.” Jim boasted. “Do you happen to know where the lovely Janet may be right now?" Jim asked in a somewhat cocky voice.

"Last time I saw her she was upstairs."

"Well, with that story being told, I now know where I must go. I shall see you later my friend." Jim said in a poorly imitated British accent. Continuing with the British theme the two of them gave each other a little bow and Jim started to head for the stairs. 

When he got up there, he started checking in rooms. The first room he went in, was a little office, and the next one was a bedroom. There were a few people in there, one of which was Janet. Jim said ‘Hi’ to a couple of people but specifically not her. Although their eyes locked as soon as he walked in the room and he flashed her a smile, he wanted to play it cool. Not saying hi to her was his way of doing that. He just joined a conversation about conspiracy theories. 

After a few minutes, he decided to say hello but he was interrupted by some guy named Craig. He squeezed in between them and started asking him about the moon landing and if Jim thought it was fake. He kept blathering on about things Jim didn’t care about.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that Janet had gotten up and was leaving the room. Jim wanted to follow her, so to get out of the conversation he simply said, " No, no you are right man, it's all fake," in a patronizing tone and got up and left. He left the room just in time to see Janet go into the little office, so that's where he went.

When Jim walked in, they both just stared at each other for a few seconds. This time Jim decided to say hello but before he could, Janet jumped on him like a horny savage. The two of them started kissing, like teenagers behind the bleachers. They were flopping all over the little room, bumping into everything. Papers flew off the desk, a stapler fell off the shelf and landed with a metallic thud. Janet started unbuttoning Jim's shirt. Neither of them noticed or cared about anything at that point. They were so involved that they didn't even hear the knock on the door or the voice asking, "Jim are you in there?" Then the door cracked open and someone peeked in.

"Jim, dude, your house is on fire!" Chris yelled out.  

"What?!" Jim said dumbfounded as he threw Janet off of him. Not waiting for Chris to spell it out, Jim spilled out of the room in a drunken gallop. As he made his way to the door, he haphazardly tried to rebutton his shirt. With his inept fingers he only manage to get three buttons buttoned. 

Jim made the sprint back to his house in just under three minutes. The whole way home he could do nothing but worry about his children. By the time he got to his street, it had seemed he had worried himself to the point of sobriety. He made it home in time to see his whole home engulfed in flames. 

Jim could do nothing but stand there and stare, all the while the horror and guilt continuously grew. Jim was paralyzed, his gaze fixed on the flames coming out of the room where he had trapped his children. Nothing could penetrate his shock, not the lights, not the sirens. 

"Sir, Sir, do you know if there is anyone in the house?" a concerned fireman asked Jim. He barely heard him and didn't answer, he just stared at him realizing the answer to his question.

The whole situation hit him like Janet's kiss. He dropped to his knees, his eyes closed almost automatically and his head fell from shame. Jim stayed like this for what seemed like hours, hearing nothing, not noticing rescuers trying to get in the house to see if anyone was in there. Jim stayed catatonic, thinking of how wrong he was this evening. When his eyes finally opened, all he saw, all he could focus on was a burnt picture of his family that somehow had blown over to him. Everyone in the picture was staring at him, reminding him of how he had just failed them.