Robin and Amber

      Dear Diary,

           Today has been a crazy day.

           I was so scared this morning when mom was driving me to school! I knew that being ‘the new girl’ can’t be easy - I watched too many shows to fall into that trap. I thought I’m going to be bullied or the mean girls will target me, but I got none of that.

           It started out as a normal, basic, school day. My mom walked with me to the principal’s office to sign the transfer papers and thank him for allowing me to move schools in the middle of the semester. He was, of course, grateful to my dad and all my ancestors and replied with the “thank you for your service” which I’ve come to hate, as I wrote so many times before. I hate moving. But maybe, just maybe, this time it will be different.

My first official school day! And not in front of my laptop with a bunch of anxious kids and weird teachers that hate their lives, but at a real school (with a bunch of anxious kids and weird teachers that hate their lives)! I totally insisted on going to school face to face, at a public school and mother was so against it, I thought I might die! But I came up with a few Virginia Woolf quotes to support my idea of being a free, educated teenage girl and she finally gave in – with the exception that I won’t get bullied and I truly plan for that not to happen lol.

           So, after the principal visit, my mom left and I met Angela. She was assigned to show me around and she was actually nice. She told me tips and tricks to walk around and not get lost on my way to math or to Mrs. Smith’s class, to which it appears I ‘must always be polite and show only my best characteristics’ if I wanted an A. That language of hers was a weird flex but ok.

           Angela and I walked to my first class and I was introduced as ‘the new student’ and assigned a seat. It was exactly like in the movies, with the exception that no one really cared and at most I got a “sup”. I sat next to a girl with green and purple hair that I could not stop staring at, she was so lit! Her name is Sabrina and she said her moms let her do whatever she wants, as long as she holds that wish up for at least 3 months. “She drippin’” I thought, thinking how cool it would be for my mom to also let me do things that I have been wishing for since I was a kid.

           For example, I want to dye my hair pink! And I’ve been wanting this since I was 5. And, no, it’s not a phase, it’s not a princessy-glamorous shit I saw on TV once, but something I’ve been wanting for 11 years now! (And also that small frog tattoo, with a baby little green-leaf frog with cute little eyes.) But she said I have to be at least 21, before I get to do all that. Ok boomer.

           Before second period, Angela and her friends came up to my locker and invited me to an ‘after-school-study-sesh’ or A3S (a name I found very stupid but, hey, they’re my friends and I didn’t want to laugh in their faces so I turned red real quick, color which they mistook as me being shy, so now I got that reputation!). We went to this cozy little place with a French name after the classes and I drank some coffee while they spilled tea. We talked about school and this city and it was lovely and I felt like a main character in my life for a change! Even if I’m not popular, some normal people noticed me and I got to ask mom if I can go out with my friends, which hit differently! She was so damn weird about it, like it would be wrong for a 16 year old to make friends, but at least she let me go.

           Around 4PM I went to the library to make myself a pass and get some books that I haven’t managed to finish before we moved. This is where it happened.

           The. Most. Beautiful. Guy. I’ve ever seen. Literally.

           He has these hazel eyes that capture the light in such a majestic way! And his hair was messy, but as a clean messy, as an ‘I’ve just scratched my head because I can’t grasp this concept’ messy. He was wearing a red jacket and jeans and was standing in front of one of the bookcases near the exit. Oh, and get this: he was reading Nietzsche! I honestly lost my shit when I saw him and I think it was visible, as the nice lady at the counter repeated my name like three times and I was just staring at him. The most embarrassing part is that he looked at me! We made eye contact and then I heard my inner voice saying “Earth to Jane!” My name isn’t even Jane ffs! I shook my head and handed the lady a paper from school proving that I was a student there.

           And. He. Walked. To. Me.

           Once again, I lost my shit. I was trying to keep calm, but I felt even the pink bow from my hair turn red. He said “Hi, are you new here?” And I shook my head “Yes”. The lady gave me my pass and said “Happy reading!” I thanked her and the guy said “It will be now, indeed.”

           I blushed my ears out! I asked him what he was reading and he put the book up close to his chin. He asked if he could show me around and of course I accepted! We ended up spending the next two hours together reading random quotes from random book we picked from the shelves and laughing. Was this a date??? We were def vibin’.

When I realized what time it was I told him I needed to leave or else my mom would never let me see the sun again. His reply was the coolest thing I’ve ever heard. He said “Do you know why I came to you like that?” I must have blushed hard, cuz he smiled at me. “I heard the lady at the front desk say ‘Robin’ and I thought that she was talking to me for a second there. I always get into trouble here for scaring the little kids. You saw me standing there, staring at the book – it seems like that comes as very scary to some people.” I nodded and I was at a loss of words. “Well, nice to meet you, Robin” he said, leaning for a handshake. “I hope I’ll see you around here soon.”

“I HOPE I’LL SEE YOU AROUND HERE SOON!” That’s insanity. In-sa-na-ty. Anyway, I smiled like a crazy person and shook his hand. I also said it was nice meeting him and before I turned around to leave, he invited me to this party. “It’s in the woods, with the other book-nerds,” he said. They were doing this once a month, on the first Monday and they were going to discuss if God was really dead or not which is low-key impressive.

I told him we’d meet at the library around 9PM tonight because I won’t know where to go. Cra-zy.

Except that my mom wouldn’t let me go so I sit here writing this cuz I’m so angry I could punch a wall. I don’t understand why I should suffer and pay for my brother’s sins?! If he didn’t have that accident 5 years ago, I could still be a normal teenager, going to parties. But, no, he had to be stupid and put himself in danger and end up in a fucking wheelchair, making the whole family suffer! “I would never do that,” I told mom, “it’s not fair!” Not told, more yelled. I think this was our one big fight, the first big fight we ever had. I even slammed my bedroom door, like in the movies. I told her I shouldn’t be punished and kept at home like fucking Rapunzel, but she said that’s what’s best for me.

Best for me my ass. I’m gonna sneak out.

“This is the last entry that she made, you said?”

“Yes, I think she wrote it down after we fought yesterday.”

The police station is very empty at this hour. I can see in the eyes of this officer that he really doesn’t want to be here tonight. His freshly made coffee releases less steam as he fills the report. I can’t believe I became a missing child’s mother.

“Are you sure she didn’t just run away? Maybe she’s staying over at somebody’s place?” He has been asking the same question over and over again.

“Yes. I told you! She’s 16. She snuck out, but that doesn’t mean you can just tell me to wait and not send out an Amber alert.”

“Look, ma’am, I am hesitant at using the state’s resources to look for a kid that ran away.” His moustache moves as he speaks and I can see small drops of the mouthful of coffee he just took dripping down his chin. His face annoys me so much I think I could very well punch it and he’d just look better.

“Look, sir, she must have snuck out to meet this random boy she wrote about in her diary around 9PM. It is now 4 in the morning and she is not answering her phone. Moreover, she disappeared from the tracking app we use around 9:30. In a FOREST.” Must I really spell everything out for this guy?

“Then why didn’t you go look for her?”

“For the billionth time: I DID!”

“There’s no need to yell. I filled out the report. Just go home and I’ll call you if one of the officers spot her.”

I really have no chance to get someone to do their job in this town. I have to go back to where the signal was lost. I might find something, anything. At first, I was desperate. I thought I was going to lose my mind together with her, but I am all my children have. She must be there, somewhere. She must be! I’ll come back in the morning, after the shift changes, and see whom I can speak to to get them to do something and search for her. You told me I was a helicopter parent and hated you for not letting out at night, on a school night, in a city you don’t know. I told you I know best but you ignored everything I said, you little inexperienced brat! Now I have to look for my daughter at 4 in the morning because she didn’t listen to me. And be angry. And hateful. And pissed. And scared. How is that fair?!

It’s not fair, Robin. It’s not fair.