Darkness Dwells. Evelin's Story.

 I was sitting on a bench drawing a circle in the sand with my toe. The air smelled of popcorn. Popcorn Friday at school was always a delight, unless of course your mother forgot to give you a quarter.

  I heard the hallowed pooong! of a dodge ball making contact with the wall, quickly followed by a less hallowed thwaaang! Someone had just taken a hit to the face.

“Oh my God! You jerk! You aimed for my face on purpose!”

“No I didn't! I can't help if you’re too slow to dodge it!” 

“Shut up! I’m telling on you!”

“Oh, stop rubbing your fat face and move! You’re out!”

  Tommy’s latest victim took herself out of the game. Still rubbing her reddened cheek,she kicked a rock while across the blacktop. No one followed her. She made it to the swings, and chose the one on the end, then plopped down. Holding onto just one of the chains, she didn't swing, and held her head low. I was drawn to her. 

Curiosity and an odd sense of hope compelled me to introduce myself. Clouds shadowed the sun as I drew near, and a slight metallic odor hung in the air. A breeze lifted her loose brown hair. She was reaching up to pull the strands from her tear stained cheek when I tapped on her shoulder.

I had startled her. Not much of a surprise really, considering her state of mind. I jumped in front of her, sinking my feet into the peet stone and presented myself.   

“Hi, I’m Evelin, and you’re Penny. Wanna be friends?”

 Her blue eyes grew inquisitive as she checked both me and her surroundings. 

“YOU? Want to be friends with … ME?”

“Yea. I do. Why wouldn't I?”

“Uuum, because you look so cool and almost kinda mean?”

I was honored.

“Well, yea, I kinda am, but I also think that you're kinda cool, and maybe even a little mean sometimes yourself. So ya wanna?”

“Wanna what?”

“Duuuuh, ! …Be my friend!”

Looking around, she shrugged her shoulders.

“Well, ok, yea.”

“Ok!”

I sat in the empty swing beside her, amused how my feet dangled just above the ground.

“What's wrong anyway?” 

She held nothing back! She told me how she hated the boys for calling her fat, how she hated the girls for tricking her into thinking her crush liked her back, how she hated the clothes she had to wear, her packed lunches, gym class, and how spoiled her little sister was. She had a lot of hate.

  I had to cut her off from rambling on.

“Don’t worry, you’ll get those assholes back.”

“Whoa! You swear?”

“Fuck yea I do!”

She laughed, and then, under her breath for fear of being heard,

“That is SO fucking cool!”

The shrill ringing of the bell signaled the end of recess. She slid off the swing and started to run inside like the obedient schoolgirl she was, but looked back at me first.

“Whose class are you in?”

“Oh I can't remember. I’m new here.., I’ll catch up.”

“Oh, ok, …see you tomorrow?”

“Yep!”

That was May 8, 1989. Penelope, aka Penny and I were just ten years old then. I’ll never forget that day. That was when our unbreakable bond was formed. 

  After that, we were attached at the hip. Adolescence was tumultuous, but absolutely thrilling. We were together when she tried cigarettes, weed, and booze. I was already experienced with substances, but watching her try and pretend she wasn't drunk in front of her parents was hilarious. I'm not sure who taught who more in those years, nor who was the bad influence. We fed off of each other.

Shit got real when Penny lost her virginity. I was there in that dark room with her when it was happening. I knew he was going to steal it from her, then leave her. I knew that she was really stupid, believing he loooved her. But, even though I hated him for fucking with my girl like that, I also knew that I would be the one to console her in the end.

Sure enough, he sent another girl the very next day to retrieve his jersey, along with a message about how he just couldn't love her back, how soooorry he was, and console her, I did. 

  Per usual, I sat quietly with her while she poured her heart out. We stood looking into the mirror of her vanity, while she cried ugly tears, mascara running. 

I felt her pain and anger. It made my stomach churn, but I didn't feel like I was going to be sick. Instead, I felt a burning hunger. I knew I couldn't unleash my desire for her yet. It was too soon. How could I get her to see the world like I did? To listen to me? Her pain inspired me, it pushed me to work harder on our bond, but also to show her that I was the only one she could trust. 

I slammed my fist atop the vanity, knocking a bottle of perfume to the floor where it shattered. Its contents permeated the air as I stroked her hair.

“Maybe you’re right, maybe you are too ugly for him, maybe you are too fat. But you can do something about that. You can starve yourself, or puke. See this makeup? You can make yourself over! Then, when you're hot, you can take revenge on him when he sees what he gave up. You do have control! I’ll do it with you! We can do it together!”

The other option is you could physically hurt him. It would be harder to get away with, but you could do it. Your cousin Tom showed you a lot about mechanics… cut his brake lines!

I stepped back and watched Penny wipe the smudged makeup from under her eyes and take a deep breath. I knew her well enough by now that I could read her thoughts. I could see her imagining that scumbag driving right off the hill into the lake. My lips curled into a smile, and what I meant to be an innocent laugh sounded more like a snarl.  

Placed her hands flat on the vanity, she returned her gaze to the mirror. She looked herself up and down, smoothed her clothes, sucked in her stomach. Her sigh and the way she dropped her shoulders signaled she had chosen to sabotage herself rather than him. Either way, it was a win for me. I’d be there to guide her at the next bend.

  Over the next few years, Penny lost weight. It wasn't pretty, her puking after each meal, but I was there to reassure her that it was for the best, and it was only for a short while until she reached her goal. I worked out with her. She asked me to be hard on her, so I behaved as a 1940’s drill sergeant would. 

“Come on you whale! Is that all you got? Ten more minutes!”

Those drills empowered both her and myself.  

She bleached hair, learned how to flirt like an expert. She got a ton of attention from the guys, fucked a few. Shit, I was the one who taught her those games of cat and mouse! Men are easy to trick when it comes to pussy.

  Her confidence soared. She had grown vain. She was really fucking hot, and my dark desire for her grew even more. I had been so patient for so long. Waiting for the tides to turn, inching closer to her heart and soul whenever times were tough. 

I believed that one day my actions would open her mind, and that she would see my devotion and commitment to her. I wanted so badly for her to let me touch her, so intimately that I would forever change her world. I wanted to fill myself with her. 

   As the years marched ahead, I started to know her better than she did herself. I knew that she played games in hopes of finding love. She didn’t want to sleep with half of those men. She only hoped that they would call her again, care for her, to love her. She was too naive to see that merely giving her body away would never invoke that thing called love.   

I knew that the risky behaviors with these men would not end well, and just as I had before, I would be there to consume: I mean, console her. I continued to build our bond.

  I knew she longed for the absent needs that every person says they deserve. Hearing her pray for such things at night was a sore spot for me. If only I could get her to hear me, to see me, to take my hand in the darkness and accept my kiss.  

On those nights that she prayed, unbeknownst to her, I would creep into her room, silent and slow, like a dense fog, hovering. Leaning in, placing my essence just above hers, her breathing slow and mechanical. I was so close I could feel the heat of her. If she began to stir, I would invoke the wind and ride out like a subtle breeze; always welcome in the humid summer, she was never the wiser.

  I knew my sweet Penelope was troubled. Had she not been, there is no way I could have so easily watched her sleep undetected. What do they say? …. She was in a dark place. 

One evening, and another failed attempt to drown her pain, she had drunk herself into a stupor. Depression hung over her like black clouds, ominous, promising a storm. Failed relationships, a dead end job, money woes, no true love, tossed aside, and used like a toy. Then there was the sexual abuse, a near rape. This was a potential class five storm. 

 Per usual, she called on me to sit with her and for answers. We played sad songs and had a few shots. She shouted out questions and thoughts at rapid fire, hardly giving me a chance to answer. 

“It was probably my own fault that he held me down. I mean, I flirted with him, was too nice, I probably led him on, I didn't tell him no right away. I didnt stop him from kissing me.”

 “Oh then there was the biggest liar of them all. He was going to be with me. He loved me. He just needed time, had to let her down easy. …What else was I expecting? From him, from any one of them? I'm not good enough, too much, not enough.”

“I just wanna be loved and honored. “Everyone says I'm crazy, Maybe I AM!”

“I just don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to feel this pain.!”

I knew I was preying on her, but I said it anyway. 

“Maybe you're right. Maybe it was your fault. Maybe you are the one that is acting the fool, chasing after all the wrong people. No one can love you. Who would want to when you behave the way you do?”

Tears fell freely from her eyes as she grabbed the half empty fifth and whipped it across the room. It hit, Thhhwack! leaving a hole in the drywall, and shattered when it hit the kitchen tile. She tore pictures from the wall, and smashed their frames, Tore down the mementos from the shelf and threw them in every direction, swiped her arm across the counter top, sending stacks of papers to the floor, All the while screaming, violently until she had become hoarse.

I stayed out of her way. Watching her rage sadness clash only made me want her more. 

She grew tired and had nothing left to grab or smash. She had destroyed the room. Standing there, arms at her sides, her breath heaving, I saw my chance to make her mine. I stepped from the shadows and took her hand. 

“I’ve been with you all these years, carried your pain, gave you solutions when times were tough, and held you in the darkness when you allowed. I’d fucking kill for you! Yet you’ve always chosen to turn away from me, never once listening!”

“I’m telling you. It’s time to stop being selfish. Stop mindlessly hoping and waiting for something better to come along. For once in your god damned life, don't turn away from me. Nobody’s gonna save you but yourself. There’s only one way out Pen. You have to make the choice on your own, but I can help you.

  She let out a choked sob, her grip tightened on my hand. Finally, she heard me.

“I’ll take care of you. I nodded in the direction of the medicine cabinet. There… the end to your pain is in there. Take them, I’ll hold your hand the whole way. We can be together in the end.”

I felt her shallow breath quicken as I moved in for my kiss. I heard the rapid beating of her heart. Incredibly aroused, I leaned in to kiss her pale pink lips. 

“I’d like to say it was a win. That I had successfully pulled her soul to hell with me, and as much as I love a good lie, I must share the truth. 

Hovering over her lips, I was fully aroused with anticipation when she managed to whimper. 

“NO.”

She reached for the phone and the next thing I knew I was there in the shadows yet again. I watched as she went by ambulance to the ER, witnessed them pump her stomach and saw her wretch. 

  I felt betrayed in regards to her last minute will to live, but still I sat with her. I was venomous with anger and I did my best to outwardly display such emotion, but the fluorescent lights of her hospital room only flickered. I was not yet a strong enough demon to convince her to join me in hell, let alone cause a hospital wide power outage. I did at least have the satisfaction of knowing she was filled with guilt and shame while she laid there in bed on lock down.  

The fucking angels of light and do gooders of the earth realm were there to show her what they called the path to wellness and mental health awareness. HA! That fucking nurse, I wish I were more experienced, and I had choked her out while she talked. How dare her! Whispering to MY Penny,.. some shit about, “No matter the darkness and the demons within, the light is stronger and will always win.”  

That was nearly ten years ago. I was new to the job then, and inexperienced. To be honest, not quite enough fear and darkness was yet present in the earth realm.

Not like it is now. Now, distractions are everywhere, Stimuli in its many forms is a drug, keeping humans addicted and riddled with anxiety without it.

Opinions are facts, and facts are opinions. Divide among the remaining nations leaves those that once hoped for the return of freedom feeling bleak . And guess who they turn too? Yes. Little old me.

Today, my power instills fear in many . I’ve learned how to be a stronger influence on those I form bonds with, and a great many of them have been unbreakable.

But not Penelope. She was once mine, but I can no longer claim her. She reminisces sometimes; about us. Those adrenaline fueled, last minute poor choices and the dopamine rushes, the way I held her close when she was coming down…. but that's as close as she lets me get. She was the one that got away. She was the one that lived.